THE AUDITION.
As many of you know I’m a circus artist. Last week I took part in an audition which changed my life. What’s written here is cut down from a text three times as long, so I hope there aren’t too many things that aren’t well enough explained, or seem out of context.
If any of you are interested in looking at some photos of the event, I uploaded a folder to Sendspace. Here's the link.......
Audition Pix
Thurdsay 13th, June 2008
I’d been bugging Vlad (my husband) for weeks to call Kobsov to find out information about the big audition. Every year the National Circus School in Kiev has its graduation performance, and in recent years agents and directors from around the world have been invited to attend. Now, so many international guests turn up to scout new talent, it's turned into a big deal with days of solid artist auditions either side of the circus school graduation. Nikolay Kobsov, the largest circus owner in the Ukraine, is the man who puts the whole thing together and hosts it.
Like the big festival in Monte Carlo, this audition has become an event where circus big wigs come to talk business and to hand out contracts. 170 agents were said to be coming this year, and the rest of the available seats filled out with invited guests.
To take part in the audition, artists must first either submit a video or audition for Kobsov himself. When Vlad finally got around to calling on my behalf, he was told we were too late and that the program had already been finalized. “But she does an aerial singing act” said Vlad, to which Kobsov replied “Ah, well that’s different. Come to my office right away and let’s talk”. We went in to chat and Kobsov invited me to a rehearsal the following day.
Having it all happen that fast was probably the best thing for me as it didn’t leave time for stewing and getting nervous. Actually, the nervousness had begun about a month before. I didn’t realize at first, but identified it in hindsight when I began to feel that despite working hard, my voice and performance on silks seemed to be going downhill. When I talked to others about it, the general consensus was “Jojo, it sounds to us like you’re nervous. Don’t worry, it’s normal, you’ll be fine”.
It wasn’t normal for me all. My usual trick is to get nervous five minutes before going on stage. The fear which usually escalates, stops me from thinking clearly, resulting in a less than satisfactory performance. In the past, these nerves have nearly always prevented me from showing what I’m really capable of, and the fear of failure has been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It’s vicious cycle that feeds on itself. I’m one of those people where if everything is going well, I’m on top of the world, but should one, small thing go wrong, then I find myself plunged into the depths of despair. The more I worry about my performance, the worse it becomes. Suddenly my voice became thin and quavery, and I constantly found myself twisted up in the silks during the act, unable to extricate myself. The imagined horror of having it happen to me on stage in front of an audience filled my dreams at night.
Friday 14th, June.
The next day, Vlad and I went back to ‘Allegro’, Kobsov’s circus headquarters in Kiev to show him my act. On the way there in the train, I did my best to keep in check the butterflies in my stomach. I’m getting better at controlling my heart rate these days, but the way my body seems to cope with it is by shutting down completely. It’s such a joke, I can almost hear my body is mocking me with “So you want to calm down and relax huh? Well ok then, let’s relax. You asked for it!” And like an instant soporific, I’m dragged down by an overwhelming fatigue. Keeping my eyes open is a real struggle. Somehow the oxygen doesn’t get to my brain and the ensuing yawn-a-thon is even more draining. I wilt. That’s it exactly. I wilt.
At ‘Allegro’ I warmed up, put my mic on and went up on the silks. I was fine. Everything went the way it was supposed to. I couldn’t believe my luck. Nothing terrible happened. Kobsov broke into a big smile half way through the performance which I took to mean that he was enjoying it. Encouraged, I pulled off the second half of the act with more confidence. Everyone in the circus had stopped to watch me and at the end I came down to the floor to whistles and applause. Kobsov looked very happy and said “Absolutely yes! I’m putting you straight in the gala”.
Along with the audition Kobsov puts on a gala show of all the most promising acts. Straight after my little audition, I had to sign an agreement promising to pay him 10% of my first contract!
Monday 17th June.
Monday was the dress rehearsal with an audience of invited guests. The nerves kicked in pretty much as soon as I woke up. Let me take a minute here to talk about how Vlad looked after me through the audition drama. Each morning he rose before me to massage me before I was properly awake. Not many people get to experience luxury like this on a regular basis. He believed it to be very important that I get the right start to the day, and instead of my usual coffee and toast for breakfast, Vlad insisted on making me porridge with dried fruit, nuts, milk, and honey.
He made sure I took glucosamine tablets, calcium and magnesium to prevent cramping, and stood over me making sure I crunched up the revolting amino acid tablets. He packed nuts and bananas for me to keep up my strength with during the day, and even made pasta and packed that in too so I could replace carbs straight away after the rehearsals. In the circus he managed every thing so I could concentrate solely on my performance. He set up my mic, looked after my costumes, helped me dress, and generally made sure I knew what was going on all the time during the rehearsals with the other artists and dancers.
On the day of the dress rehearsal, Vlad gave me a full body massage, several pep talks, made love to me because he thought it would relieve tension, ran me a bath, and put me to bed for an afternoon nap while he prepared dinner. Before we left the house for ‘Allegro’, I hugged him hard, covering his face with kisses and told him how much I appreciated his fussing over me. None of this could have happened without him.
The dress rehearsal was a disaster. My mic died during a rehearsal the day before and the new one I’d ordered hadn’t arrived at the shop. There was no other alternative but to rent one and it turned out to be terrible. For a start it didn’t sit correctly on my head and no way to pin it in place. Secondly, I didn’t have a chance to practice with it before the show, and although I didn’t like the sound quality during the sound check, Vlad and Vova the sound guy both agreed it was better than my mic. Thirdly, the actual mic head itself was much larger than the one I’d been using, and because the head set didn’t sit securely, the mic head like a huge black blow fly hovering in front of my mouth, bouncing around in my line of vision. Very distracting. When the mic was disturbed in any way, there was corresponding noise. Also very distracting. It made my jangling nerves worse and I didn’t sing particularly well. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the sound cut out completely. I wasn’t heard at all for the whole second half of the act. Strangely, someone else began to sing instead of me, soft improvisation that only added to my confusion. The audience was very sympathetic though, cheering, chanting, and clapping me all the way to the end.
At the end of my act, I thanked the audience for being so sweet and was lowered down through a hole in the stage floor. Talk about wishing the ground could swallow you up! When the trapdoor closed again I lay there on the floor under the stage for a minute, numb. The growing confidence I’d been feeling because of the good rehearsals fell away and suddenly I was flooded again with negativity, thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong. I could sing badly because of uncontrolled nerves, or end up caught awkwardly in the silks. I could end up facing the back for half the act, something which had happened quite regularly of late, and something that I had seemingly little control over. That summed it up. Things were not in my control. Maybe my success over the past days had been just good luck, or a fluke. It would all be for nothing if I wasn’t in complete control for the real thing the following day. All of a sudden the panic that had finally begun to subside came crashing back and I blamed myself for becoming complacent.
There it was, the one thing that went wrong and brought back all the self-doubt. Vlad of course got pissed and told me to stop being a bloody diva. The mic cutting out wasn’t my fault, and I’d done a good job anyway. After the show I hid my acute disappointment and tried to make light of it. I smiled heartily at all my friends who came to see the show and who were all very sympathetic. “Don’t worry”, they said “you were still good and there’s always tomorrow.” Don’t worry. If only it were that simple.
Tuesday 18th June
On the way to ‘Allegro’ in the train, my nerves began jangling again. Vlad whispered softly in my ear the whole way telling me how fabulous I was going to be, while I tried not to yawn.
Thankfully I’d been able to pick up my new mic and had a chance to test it out before the show. It curved perfectly around my ear and the mic head was so tiny, it was barely visible. At first I couldn’t hear myself at all, only what was coming out of the speakers. It was strangely disorienting and affected my pitch, but I found that by sticking a finger in one ear I could hear myself better. Having resolved to do my act with a bit of tissue stuffed in my ear, I got used to the new head gear and really listened to my voice which sounded clean and clear like never before.
My act was in the middle of the program and the waiting was killing me. Half an hour before the show, Vlad made me put on the evening dress I wore for the opening of the show, preventing me from doing any warming up. Instead I paced up and down singing my song (‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’ by the Mamas and the Papas) over and over.
Two acts before mine, I took my silks under the stage and went to wait. Sergei the stage manager came along to help organize the silks and to open the trap door when it came time. Singing to myself seemed to help calm me a little, but I'd begin shaking again as soon as I stopped. Wild eyed and on the point of becoming hysterical, I turned to Sergei and said “I’m so scared. I’m too scared!” He said slowly, “Ok. I gonna do to you what I do to my partner when he used to say me same thing. You ready?” “Yes”
He took me by the shoulders and shook me till my bones rattled and shouted in my face. “Come on! C’moooooooooon! Are you ready? Are you ready to go Joanna? C’mooooooon!!!!” I laughed and laughed while he shook, slapped and poked at me. “How you feel now?” he asked. “Oh thank you!” I gasped “that was great!”. “Right. You go now”. He opened the trap door, the cable came down, I hooked my silks on and was lifted up, up, into the air.
Doing the act was like being in someone else’s body, where I was merely an observer in the mind’s eye. I completely forgot what was coming next, but it didn’t matter because the body seemed to know what it was doing. I remember smiling a lot and a couple of times thinking “Hey, someone’s singing a nice song there”.
I did my final trick and dangled up side down in my last pose. I wondered vaguely if my boob had popped out of my costume (it happened once before during a rehearsal), but decided I didn’t really care. I pulled myself to an upright position, blew a kiss to the audience and disappeared down through the hole in the stage. Sergei was waiting there for me and when I plopped onto the floor in a daze he hugged me and squealed “Malatzei, Malatzei!” which means well done. I hugged him back, thanking him profusely for the pre-show preparation.
Smiling dreamily, I sat there for a minute and floated in fog of…. I don’t know…..pleasantness. I had no idea how it really went, but suddenly knew I had to get out from under the stage to find Vlad. When I’d see his face I’d know. As I emerged from the darkness, Vlad greeted me with open arms and a big kiss. “You were just excellent love! It was your best performance I think.” I held on to him and felt high. Over the past few days I’d spent so much time feeling uncomfortable, to the point where I wished I could climb out of my skin and stop being me for a while. But what I felt standing there in Vlad’s arms was so intensely pleasurable and happy, it instantly blew away the clouds of angst and self-doubt that had hanging over me. I don't have an original way to describe the relief so I won't bother. Talking about clouds of self-doubt being blown away is bad enough. You get the picture.
Epilogue
I was seen at the audition by folks from Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey. I after two days of haggling I signed a two year deal with them touring the States in their Gold Program. As well as doing my aerial singing act, I’m to be a ring master of sorts. The contract doesn’t start until the end of 2009, so it doesn’t feel real yet. I always wanted a big solo career and now it seems I finally got it. It’s been a big week…..
