tucanbundy

As none of you remember, I joined this forum last year and posted a few times, usually asking for advice on my crappy parody book Plagiarism.The last year has also been psychologically straining for me.

Last May, my sister Stephanie died of breast cancer.It was one of the most traumatizing events in my life at this point.We had always been very close and this crushed me.I couldn't stop crying over her death, which made me feel so weak, but also revealed a sensitive side I had that I never knew about.It made me realize how much I truly love my siblings (my parents had five kids, I was the second oldest after Steph).I was beaten and raped as a child, and Steph was really the only person I had who I felt really cared about me that I could turn to.In our teens we both learned how to sing, and every holiday our family would get together for a night and Steph and I would sing together at some point in the night.A week after her funeral I sang My Immortal by Evanescence (her favorite band) to our family and spent the rest of the night bawling like a baby.

After the trauma of her death, I did what any depressed idiot does.I turned to drugs.I knew I was fucking myself up by doing this, but the pain was too strong to deal with at the time.I'm a terrible writer and writing about her death didn't help at all.I felt I was disgracing her memory.The more of a junkie I became, the more I blamed myself for her dying, even though I know I wasn't the cause.I nearly died of an overdose in July.

Towards the end of July I attempted suicide by slitting my wrists while I was high.Had it not been for my boyfriend (I'm bisexual) I would have died then, too.

After the vaccinations for the cuts, I suddenly collapsed outside my apartment.I was taken to the hospital, where they told me I had some sort of viral infection that had attacked my nervous system, effectively shutting off much of my body.This rendered me a life long paraplegic.

I spent from the end of July to the middle of May in the hospital.I was alone 24 hours a day in a small room with no windows.I was going through withdrawl at the time as well.I starved myself, causing significant weight loss.I dropped from 190 pounds to 130 in a few months (at 6'3, that is not a pretty sight).I was never able to sleep, frequently staying awake for three or four days at once.My boyfriend broke up with me, saying he didn't want to see me like that.Once again, my heart sank.I felt like I was John Merrick or something.Once again, I was crying nonstop.I was put on suicide watch twice while I was in the hospital.

I was finally released after some therapy on May 15th.I was happy to be out of the hospital, but now I'm horrified of living the rest of my life nailed to a chair.I don't know what I'm going to do.I still cry every now and then and have been snapping at my family and friends quite frequently.I feel like my life is over at the age of 23, and I don't know what to do.

So I'm writing, the only way I know how.Using my encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture and cult film obsession to create the most pointlessly parodic dribble everyone but me hates.

Thank you if you read all this, it was very theropeutic for me.

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geminye

Shit dude, that's really terrible. I'm sorry to hear about all that. I have to say, though, as odd as this may sound: i was riveted by your post.
Being in a wheel-chair has to be difficult. I have no idea how you must be feeling right now, but i can imagine you must be struggling. I'm not going to sit here and preach about positive attitude and an outgoing mentality. The truth is, you life isn't over yet. You're still around. You still have the ability to profoundly affect the lives of those around you. Just don't become that guy in a wheelchair no one wants to be around 'cause he's got a chip on his shoulder. Live your life dude. And by the way, as far as non-fiction goes, your writing in this post was spot on.

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Suffer the little children...

Cipher2

Writing is one of the most powerful tools to affect people. If you can write and put personal experience into it that is good as well. I try to do that in fiction without being overtly autobiographical and as I write I hopefully grow as a person and as a writer. There are plenty of books on how to write and to draw experience into it although that is only one particular route.

Sam Winchester

Firstly, I know what it's like to lose a sister, and my heart goes out to you one-hundred percent. Like you, my relationship with my sister was incredible. I loved her more than any other member of my family, and for her to die so young (19) broke my heart. She was always the one there for me, all throughout my early school life when I was being bullied, and when she died, a part of me died with her. I lost control of my emotions, started lashing out at people, and began to drink myself stupid. I knew it was wrong, but pain doesn't go away overnight, and so I did everything I could possibly do to relieve it, except drugs. I've never done them, so I can't relate to you there.

I could tell you that these feelings will go away over time, but the horrible truth is that they won't. People say time heals all wounds. Generally, these are the people who've never lost anyone. The wounds never heal, they simply recede. Today, it still hurts as much as it did the day she died, but only when I prod the scabs covering those wounds. If I leave it alone, I can get by.

I really do hope things get better.

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Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

tucanbundy

I hope it doesn't go away.I loved her.I don't want to forget her.It still hurts but I never want to forget her.

I'm going to be seeing a psychologist.I think about suicide every day and how I deserved all this.I'm afraid of what I might do to myself if I don't get help.So I'm going to see a psychologist.I have alot to talk about and nothing but enemies right now, so I think that's best.

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tucanbundy

UPDATE!

Sorry for the double post, but I didn't see much point in starting a new thread.

I've officially snapped.
1. I've shut off all contact with the outside world except the faceless drones of the internet due to my new found misanthropy and hatred of the human race (as well as my extremely low self esteem), destroying my social life and relationships.
2. I tried to kill myself three times in two days.
3. I'm not eating anymore.
4. I can't sleep.
5. I've somehow found myself sexually infatuated with a cartoon character in unusually disturbing ways (and I'm twenty fucking three years old).
6. I'm extremely paranoid now.
7. I threatened to kill a family member for touching me (of couse I never would).
8. My second nephew was just born and I refuse to in any way be a part of his life (including ever meeting him).
9. This is the most heroin starved I've ever felt.
10. I'm shaking and not talking straight.
11. I'm crying several hours a day (including right now).
12. I realize how much I deserve all this.
13. I've stopped showering, shaving, and changing my clothes.
14. I've been using my webcam to capture my insane ranting, intended for YouTube posting, but I don't want to be a stupid crybaby internet douchebag like Chris Crocker.
15. I keep talking to myself, right now I'm saying everything I type.
16. If I wasn't such a pussy, I'd be dead by now.

I'm trying to get through this unusual nervous breakdown the way I always do, through my writing, but I don't see any point to my book anymore.It's nothing but a 1500 page testament to my inane pop culture dorkdom.I knew it was never going to get published, but now I'm accepting that it'll never even be read, so fuck it.

I need a new tension reliever.Self mutilation hasn't been doing much, so not that.Someone give me something to do or I'll go crazy.

Yes, I am still seeing a psychologist.I have an hour long session on Thursday.This will no doubt be the source of another needless post of pointless wittering.



EDIT - I should point this out now.I don't expect or even want you to feel sorry for me.You don't owe me anything.You have no reason whatsoever to even care about me, so I'm not expecting sympathy.I'm posting this for my own peace of mind and I'm not trying to make you feel bad.If I am, I'm sorry.

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Foxee

Tucanbundy, let me preface this by saying I am aware that I can't make everything ok and I won't try to blow sunshine up where it doesn't belong. If anything humbles me as lacking wisdom, a situation like yours certainly does.

I'm glad you could write this out and I'm very sorry for the pain you are carrying. Your posts are not needless if they help you in even the smallest of ways.

I am not advice-giving but simply stating a fact when I say that you've treated your mind and body but I would question whether your spirit has been neglected.

If virtual friends are the most comfortable at the moment, then we will walk with you for this time. It is my hope that you will see much better days very soon.

~Foxee

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

ash somers

i couldn't find any werds to say, everything i wrote sounded lame

so i decided to go out into my garden and take some photos

of my favourite flowers ... they are called hakea laurina

they're really very beautiful and they're for you ...



i really hope you're guna be okay, mister

pssst ... and that's the moon in the background *smiles*

ash somers

here's a close up, i cheated and snatched if off the web, but it gives you a better idea of how pretty they really are ... see

blackparade

Now i understand...why you're so depressed.

You know what? Shit happens...and it hurts

But you still have to live on...

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.nirvana, rocking the hell out of me.
ll.<ich liebe TOKIO HOTEL fur immer>.ll

Sir Twilight

Wow... that is really deep, man. I have to say that I hope you can get through this. It takes a big set of balls to share something this personal online with a bunch of strangers. It shows that you WANT to continue living.

And I think you should.

So just take a big step back from all of this... and see what you had before. Go back to that... I believe you can.

lilacstarflower

From reading your first post - you don't sound like the kind of guy who "deserves" to feel how you feel

I don't want to sound preachy, but isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do IMO. Sounds to me like your at your lowest low and really need some support - even though you're saying you have pushed family members away

Why not write your life story instead? you said at the end of your first post that writing that helped a little. Maybe writing about your experience will help someone else. I know I feel a kind of relief when I read other people's stories about how they deal with crohns.

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Sir Twilight

Good advice, lilac. I would say write it down. you don't have to publish it, just get it down...

dilkara

I think writing everything down is a good step. It can be so hard to get our heads round things when there's so much swirling around in there. You're really going through it. I hope it's helped to get it all out.

Tom

By reading your post, I hate myself for feeling depressed over stupid and pointless things. Your condition, though I wouldnt really call it that, is bad. You know that and we know that. You will find hope somewhere and get on with your life, it might takes a few weeks, it might happen before you know it, but Tuncan, just by the fact that you can talk about it in such an open way is a good thing.

Hope everything works,

Tom.

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