Angel101

Don't ask me what's wrong. I don't know the half of what's wrong. People tell me what's wrong, but I can't handle them reminding me. My boyfriend tells me I'm stressed. I need to get away. I need to relax. You know what? Maybe I do. In fact, I'm sure I do. But right now, that isn't even an option for me. There isn't TIME to relaxation. My boyfriend also says it's just the month because a year ago this month was just... There are no words for how terrible it was for me. So yes, the one year anniversary of my lost child is devastating; but why can't I put these memories behind me?

I know that sounds bad. It sounds cruel. But I want to forget. I don't want to think about it anymore. It's killing me. I keep having these periods of amnesia, where I can't even remember hours of my day. It's frightening. If the stress is causing that, then fuck it. I don't want to focus on the things that are killing me. But see, I can't help it. That's what I can't stop concentrating on. I keep thinking about my daughter--what I could've done to save her. I keep thinking about my father--what I could've done to save him. Everything he did to me. How I wish I could go back and change things. I keep thinking about Ryan, that no good bastard who fathered my baby; and I am still trying to get him behind bars for all the pain he caused.

So it seems that I can't save myself. I feel like giving up. I know I can't do that, but the feeling is so overwhelming, and it's eating me alive. I don't want to move. I don't want to talk to people. I can't even enjoy doing the things I used to love, like writing or reading. I just can't do it anymore. I can't stop crying. Yesterday was a decent day, and tears were pouring down my face at one point. Everyday, whether I really feel that sad or not, I can't help but cry.

So how do I make the tears stop? How do I let go?

I know that sounds corny, but I really do need answers. I need help. I'm am paper-thin right now, so fragile that I'm afraid I'll shatter any second. I keep lashing out at people, and how am I supposed to excuse that? I can't. I can't because it doesn't matter what I'm going through, people don't take excuses. I can't explain anything to them because they're already pissed off and ready lash back. They'll tell me that what I should control myself despite what I'm going through, but I must be too weak to do that because I can't. I beyond the point of being civil and making friends.

I should probably avoid people altogether, which means I probably shouldn't have posted this...except that I really need help... I know that much.

alanmt

You need medical and psychological help. There are mood stabilizers that can help you. Therapy can help you. You have some symptoms of depression that can be treated.

You suffered a terrible loss. You need help to guide you through a normal grieving process. You seem to be stuck only a short way into the process. Seek professional help. Also, try going to talk groups of people who have suffered similar losses.

Forget about Ryan. Once you make a police report, whether he gets prosecuted for whatever harm he did is out of your hands. You can't control it. Let go of your anger, and get out of guilt and punishment mode.

You might want to put your relationship with your boyfriend on hold, until you get your issues sorted out.

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JosephB

I know firsthand what it's like to lose a child. You describe many of the symptoms my wife suffered. We both needed therapy and counseling and she needed medication.

You can't do it alone. I tried. You may stuff it down, but it will resurface again in ways that are not good, believe me.

Even counseling only goes so far. Find ways to share your grief with others who share your experience. No one else will truly understand. And you will help them. This is some comfort and a source of strength.

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-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
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smilinghelps

Listen to these guys, they're smart, compassionate gentlemen and they're right.

You have suffered terribly and you still are. Seek counseling and look into a bereavement group. It sounds like your boyfriend is a good man who is trying to help you. Let him. You can't just push these things aside, you need to work through them, one day at a time.

You've done the right thing, you've asked for help. Now follow the advice given. We're not qualified to treat you, find someone who can. Don't worry about insurance or money or anything. If you can't find a qualified doctor who you can afford, then call your local Catholic Charities. They will find you free counseling despite your religious beliefs. Most hospitals or local clinics will treat you for free or next to nothing. Most local churches/synagogues or other places of worship have a bereavment group or know where you can find one.

Like Alan said, put your ex out of your mind and focus on getting better.

Best of luck to you. I know it seems so overwhelming right now but with time and help, it will get better.

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Angel101

Thanks everyone. The problem isn't because of the money... It's because of my mother. Since I'm seventeen, I'm still a minor; and my mother, of course, makes most of my decisions for me. I asked her to take me to see someone. She said she will if she has time.

The girl left behind...

I'm so sorry for your loss...
I've never lost a child, mind you, i've never had a child, but i do know what its like to go through depression... It will lift eventually... you just have to make an effort.... Try to interact with people, people you love to be around... Try to act like everything is ok around them, and soon it will become a habit, and soon it will be real to you... Thats what i did, and it pulled me out of depression... But i suppose its different for every other person... I never saw a therapist, i just let my friends be there for me when i needed them.... Cause they will be there for you... your boyfriend, he sounds like a prime person to try this with... and don't be afraid to talk with people... Because your frineds can be sooo much more relieving than a therapist at times...
Also, try and get into something that will motivate you, excite you.... Even if its skydiving, try something... it will get your mind of it....
Again, sorry for your loss...


PS
Every Ryan i've ever met has always been a dick..... Hmmmmm.... I think the name is cursed!!!

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Zensati

If you've got food in your belly and somewhere safe to sleep then you are doing better than alot of people.

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Sam Winchester

Why do you have to be such an asshole? She's after losing her baby and you say something like that. If you don't have anything constructive to add, f**k off and leave the thread alone.

Angel - Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss. There is nothing more difficult in this world than losing someone. When I was starting my last year of high-school, my sister died. I took it hard. We were very close. I missed the first month or so of school, and when I returned, I had no heed on anything. Could you blame me? The school noticed and set me up with a counsellor. At first, I thought it was pointless. What could a counsellor possibly say to me to make it better? But after a few weeks, once I got to know her, things changed. It felt good to have someone to talk to about it. I strongly advise that you seek something similar. Keeping feelings bottled in will only make things worse.

Don't push your boyfriend aside. He may not know what you're going through, but you can still talk with him.

As for the real father - well, any man who physically abuses a woman is not a man in my eyes, but a fu**ing coward.

I hope things get better for you.


Sam.

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Tiamat10

Ditto what Sam said. I mean, wtf? TT's gone so you decided to step up and take his place, eh? Insensitive prick.

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JosephB

How true! Complaining isn't going to bring someone back to life, so just suck it up.

After we lost our child, I was in group counseling with this woman who lost two of her children in a car accident, and I was like, hey lady, get over it! You've still got one kid left. And she had a really nice car and a bunch of other stuff to. Wake up and smell the coffee.

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

Malone

I'm really sorry. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through, and I won't patronize you by pretending I can. All I can say is that I've had close friends go through the same experience, me watching them suffer many of the things you described, and I can assure you, if you just push through, things will get better. I have a buddy who still tears up when he talks about his deceased son, but he has a daughter now and a pretty good life. I hope things work out for you. That kind of loss at such a young age must make it even worse. Good luck.

And, to compare a much less serious situation to yours, when I get my heart broken by a girl, I think the same thing you say, that I just want to forget, but the concept of not caring or remembering anymore seems almost as horrible as the pain. It's a head fuck like that.