I need a minute to vent - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Monkuta · 05-17-2008, 10:50 PM

It's not really a week thing. More... a few hours ago. I just need a place to get my feelings out about it where people can see it.

So earlier this evening, my dad told me that my cousin had committed suicide sometime in the past few days. My uncle told my dad that he had jumped in front of a train. My cousin and I have only met once, maybe twice in our lives. One was at an age that was too long ago for me to remember, and the other was just recently at a family wedding. He was a really cool guy and even though we never spent much time together, I think we really clicked and I thought this was a person who I would find a good friend in for the rest of my life.

He was having some emotional problems and was hospitalized to help deal with them. From what I've heard, he was never the "picture of success." He often found himself in financial problems and things like that. I think in a way, I've sort of been comparing myself to him since I heard the news. My grades in school aren't as good as they used to be (though I'm still trying hard) and I sort of wonder if I'm going end up in the same situation he was in. It's kind of a wake up call.

I feel really selfish though. One of the few relatives I'm close to dies and I'm thinking about how it will affect me. It kind of sucks no matter which way I think of it.

I know some people might think this is a small thing too. People whose siblings and parents and children have died might think that a cousin is nothing to cry about. But this is the first death I've ever experienced, so I think I'm allowed to feel the pain. I could make an excuse that I'm only 14 so it's okay, but I think I'm too old to pull that now.

Anyway, I've been crying on and off for the past few hours. I had a little talk with my mom about it. Feeling a bit better now that I've written all this out. Now I'm gonna go rest for a bit and compose my thoughts and try to relax.

Maybe I'll come back and add to this later.

To anyone who reads this or responds to it, thank you for your time. Please don't feel obligated. I just needed it out in the open.

edropus · 05-17-2008, 11:10 PM

That sucks, alot. In my opinion you shouldn't feel bad. Different people deal with grief in different ways. Self reflection might just be your way; maybe you're a more introspective person then most. There's no standard for feeling bad or dealing with someones death.

papertears · 05-17-2008, 11:25 PM

You have lost someone. I don't think its selfish to mourn, that is part of grief. Writing, feeling, tears are all so important when something like this happens.

Feelings are part of who you are, your personality. There are times when its not appropriate to acknowledge them with actions, but from my heart I can't see how mourning a loved one is wrong or selfish. Its human.

Suicide, for me is especially hard to deal with. I need to vent, to write, to be around loved ones, to find a safe place so I can grieve and take care of myself. There isn't any shame in this.

When we can't talk is when it becomes scariest.

Thoughts and prayers, Monkuto,
~pt

Monkuta · 05-18-2008, 02:46 PM

Thanks for your responses. I'm feeling better today.

Nefieslab · 05-18-2008, 04:05 PM

ooo... i've been through this as well man. just a few months ago actually. the most important thing to do is to realise something. it wasn't your fault, you couldn't do anything and it was their decision. other than it all i can say is... try to sleep (trust me it helps) and try to face the facts. no one gets anywhere by running away from their problems.
take it easy man.

terrib · 05-18-2008, 04:20 PM

Sorry about all your pain Monkuta. It helps sometimes just to get it out like you've done today....rest well.