Zombie

I've always been the 'nice guy' around my friends. I'm the type that has many more female friends than male because deep down I'm kind hearted, I don't like seeing anyone in any kind of pain, and I try to help and cheer people up when I get the chance. However, this is also the problem.

See, because I'm the nice guy, I seem to get passed over easily when it comes to women. My feminine friends feel they can trust me and talk to me. However, twice I've tried to approach good friends and I lost my friendship with them. Granted, that was a couple years ago, but it affects me to this day. It's like I have "just friends" syndrome.

Why the hell do girls go for the assholes? It always bothered me. I had one close friend in high school who had the hots for this complete douche of a guy. I told her I didn't think he was worth going after but she said she felt it was right. Yeah, I also held her when she cried after breaking up with him two weeks later (yep, hook up and break up in two weeks time).

Most of this I can answer myself, but I'm really just expelling some general anger and frustration with life at the moment. It just drives me nuts.


Other than this general angst, my week has been decent. Lots of schoolwork though.

__________________

IJS

Oh you know, women are crazy. They particularly love heroin-injecting, LSD taking, ecstasy popping felons with outstanding warrants in all 50 states. Oh, oh - they also love it if you cheat on them numerous times.

Those nice guys that will be making a lot of money, a good provider in life, and are loyal to the core - they hate that. Wear a leather jacket with a skull and bones, cover yourself in lots of tatoos, do every drugs you can think of, disrespect women and you'll be a chick magnet.

Zombie

I don't know whether to take you seriously or not, so I'll wait until you clarify your apparent sarcasm.

__________________

IJS

Haha, I am being sarcastic. Sort of.

Zombie

Okay, I just don't want to jump the gun with users I don't know yet.

I know it's not all women that go for the jerks, but it seems to be a startling majority.

__________________

lisajane

From your post it appears that the 'majority of your female friends' go for jerks, not 'the majority of all females'.

I know plently of males who generally only have male friends, and are still all of the above. What's your point?

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Novicewriter

I had the same exact problem.... it's a long story, but about four years ago I met someone online...we met in person and seemed to hit it off. Well she came back saying she wanted to just be friends...the guy she was dating was a complete jerk... Here I was the sensitive one, nice, kindhearted...you name it.

So yeah i've run into that problem myself numerous times...well until three years ago when I met my second wife

__________________
"There are only two things that scare me...Dr. Evil and Carnies. You know, circus folk. They have small hands and smell like cabbage."

Hodge

There's a such thing as being too nice. No one wants a servant to pander on them (well, most don't -- those who do will use you as a doormat) night and day, and most people want someone who'll stand up for themselves. A little "tough love" is also in order sometimes. Emotional support is great, but sometimes you just need a good boot in the ass...

__________________
Science

Zombie

I'm not that pathetic, pal. I'm not some drooling idiot zombie (pun not intended) that crawls in the shadows of his friends.

__________________

Foxee

Hiya, Zombie,

Maybe I'm not every guy's dream girl but I'll have been married to a 'nice' guy for 15 years this December.

I did date a few jerks before I met him. One thing about these guys who are jerks... they're very assertive and often quite charming. Thing is charm is deceptive. It isn't until a girl gets to know the guy that all of a sudden she realizes (if she's lucky... and if she isn't preprogrammed by having a jerk for a dad) that this guy is bad news. And there are a few girls/women who, for whatever reason, convince themselves that the guy's bad behavior is:
a. Hers to fix!
b. Not a big deal, after all I love him.
c. Cool (until the big heartbreak)
d. 'Taking Charge'
e. I'll just throw e in here because I don't have it all figured out myself.

I think where the 'nice' guy loses out is that he's not glib and generally not assertive.

Classy assertiveness takes some time to develop…it’s not really the same thing as charm. Think of charm as the fake and what I’m talking about as the real. Shoot, my husband’s still not real assertive. He’s the head of our household, though.

There are lots of reasons that girls don’t go for ‘nice’ guys (few of them good):

• She thinks she doesn’t deserve someone who treats her that well (her own lack of self-worth)
• She makes a snap decision that because he’s nice he’s boring (and the exciting guy turns out to be a jerk, thereby confirming that ‘all men are jerks’)
• She’s naïve.
• I’ll throw in d here for the same reason e is included above.

I wish I had all the answers, I don’t. Just don’t get so caught up in the girls who won’t give you the time of day that you overlook a great girl who might be quietly hoping she can find a guy who’s not a jerk. If she's only ever approached by jerks she may conclude that there is no other sort of man.

LOL...Ok, I've gone on enough. Hope there is something encouraging there for you.

__________________
If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.

Bika

Listen to Hodge and Foxee. They've got it pretty well covered.

__________________

dwellerofthedeep

Yeah, Hodge and Foxee seem to have things at least sounding right (I'm fairly ignorant so I wouldn't know for sure). Personally this is one thing I'm pretty sure I have going for me in this department (Not ignorance, but the "nice guy" thing). See I try to be nice to people I care about and I've found that I certainly have the capacity for it, despite my violently aggressive previous behaviors (Alternative School = Good Learning), so now I can be nice when it counts and nasty when I feel like a jerk. Not the best really but it got me thinking on a side note.

OSC's Homecoming series has this sort of thing as a major sub-plot point in the first two books or so. The main character admires his oldest brother the most because he isn't nice because he needs to be but only because he wants to be. Of course I'm going off on a tangent now. Hope maybe a little of this is helpful to you zombie.

__________________
"It's Amazing..."

Hodge

When you're young and immature, "nice" just doesn't have the ring to it that "fun" does. Course, why you'd want a girl who wants "fun" is beyond me, because if you're "nice" you're either too timid or too mature...

__________________
Science

Gunther409

Translation: Have fun, be a dick!

lol, sadly this holds true to the younger generation. Sometimes you just have to not give a damn. Just don't go around peeing on peoples feet, that might be going a bit far.

__________________
"Be like water"

-Bruce Lee

NetworkNeutrality petition: http://savetheinternet.com/
Save the internet from discrimination!
Hooray foamy! - http://www.illwillpress.com/

Hodge

Eh, you can be assertive and strong-willed and fun while also being "nice," but teens very rarely exhibit that kind of maturity.

__________________
Science