Thread: then to now

Its Summer so I'm somewhere else, I'm here, in my 'real' home, and its nice. Although it feels like if I were a plant I'd be wilted and rootless already from moving too often and never holding onto my priorities tight enough.
So i'm home, and its nice because I missed my mother, my family, and home food. But my friends have been inexistent here for the last 3 years, and me being me I can't just let go of what hurts, I replay and replay and replay these sick stories in my mind of betrayal and abandonment, whispers of 'they weren't even there when my brother passed away' or that they weren't even there at all. ever. for the last three years..but its not their fault.. not all of it.. I love too much and expected so much more from them than should be expected for what they were...drinking buddies? lol. gymming buddies... hanging out everyday buddies for THEN, but not now.. as my sister says.. we were 'friends of convenience'.. I thought they would be there, and when I shouted at them for not, the way (to me) I only would to the people I feel closest and most comfortable around.. they called me 'things' and turned away. and so....here i am! lol
isn't it wonderful?

What have I done in my week at home? I've been trying to find a job at the local magazine company here, and doing youtube yoga to help my scrunched up hunchbacked posture, I've been reading alot, but I keep changng my mind on what to read.. got some books off kindle amazon recently, not impressed.. I feel like i'm waiting to be inspired but maybe the waiting is the problem.. I just need to BE inspired. I just need to decide that I am inspired then maybe ( no not maybe) I will be. yes, I will be.


there you go: I am inspired.

This week I started reading smoke n mirrors, and neverwhere (Neil Gaiman)
almost finished neverwhere, and started delirium ( someone recommended it on the other page).. its not bad! I like the idea, maybe repetitive? maybe not magically written ( in my point of view) but there are some nice sentences. . I think.. and It does become difficult to put down, sometimes.

I baked two strawberry and cream cakes, one at the start of the week, and one yesterday. and french crepes. . its just something to do, and it smells good and never gets wasted.. we cut it up and send some to the neighbours
going to make mom tom yum soup today.

Last night my cat Hitler came home, he only visits occasionally and he's as big as a lion, no not really. but in my eyes he is. my lion.
also the best hunter of birds and mice in all the cats that I've known, and that would be alot, considering that 'back in the day' we would 'look after' over 20 strays ( no no not indoors! they hung out in the garden 'free' and we'd only feed them, take them to the vets if they get sick, chase wild dogs away that sneak in- although there aren't more 'wild' dogs anymore.. from what Ive 'heard' the police hear would shoot them when they were too many, i used to feed a mother and her puppy that lived in the empty space besides home- until I tried to pet her puppy and she ran after me barking.. scary)

nevermind anyway I feel this is too long but theres nowhere to say things at and noone to say things to that I feel would not be annoyed to bother listening. so.. here I am. and it is a writing forum, so I suppose I can write, right?

I've been finding the chords of the song Soley-pretty face on the guitar.. I really like it but it might be new as I could not find the chords online.. I think I got it close though, close enough for it to sound like it enough for me to sing along to it.. blegh.

I want to start reading one of those writers help books. I'll do that now.. maybe if I alternate between storyreading and reading about how to write, I might eventually find an idea.

IF you've read this far I think you are a superhero/heroin.

disclaimer.. the cat is called Hitler because he has a little black moustach ( I can put a picture if you want) his name is in no way meant to offend any past or person. .. if anything, I feel the power of a name is taken away when you give it other meanings.. soo...maybe this is a good thing.

Well I don't consider myself a superhero, but I did read this. You sound a bit at loose ends and maybe a little lost. But, I think we all go through times in our lives when we almost feel like we've lost our rudder, so to speak. Anyways, I think Hitler is a perfect name for your cat.

bored. bored. bored.
has it only been a day since I last wrote that? really? just one day?
crazy times paused is paused. I still need to figure out what to write for my finals. I hate that instead of ever deciding on something then using my energy efficiently to create it, I'll remain undecided and have a few half-finished paragraphs around but nothing worthy or complete. but then I think of other aspects and its all the same, everything is always the same! I can start alot of things but finish few.. expected I guess.. its not like I could ever start a few things and finish lots so.. I keep feeling like if its the right idea then I will finish it, but what if unfinished things are just a habit...the beginning is always fun because I imagine what it could be, then it materialises, and its nice, but never as nice as I expected, and so maybe I want that 'dream' of what it could have been to stay alive..so I stop..

and also... it has begun to bother me that 'alot' is not one word.. I think I'd become aware of that sometime this year..and I think its not right. Something must be done about this.

It hasn't been a week but it might be a little obvious that I've got too much time on my hands lately.. I'm worried Hitler might be ill so I need to take him to the vet the next time he drops by.. his gum is swollen and only the two front long teeth show.. not sure if the smaller ones are hidden beneath the gum or have fallen off.. but it is worrying. The cat I was really attached to died last year.. I saved her 4 years earlier she was a stray in an area where they were poisoning the grass because of too many.. she was a kitten, walked up to me with her tail in the air meowing looking right at me.. and the shopkeeper told me strays were a problem there that they were fixing with poison..standard procedure at the time but now there aren't many strays left.. not with poisonings and also a program of neutering and releasing the strays.. not so many strays at all left now I wish there were.. anyway I took her home and there she stayed.. I liked her because she scratched.. and was only really nice to you if she knew she could meow you into giving her food.. so she was always nice to me lol, and I did pick chicken bones out of the bin, and rinse them for her. lol. we used to hang out outside alot I'd read my story and she'd just sit there being nice. or playful and scratchy. she was sharp, I mean.. in the mind...

tomorrow I have an interview with a publishing company for a summer job. It won't be anything 'creative' but it will equal to less time in a day and faster time, which is good..also, I need to do 'productive' or real things or helpful things, when I don't its like if I were made of sand then the sand is falling away and all thats left is an invisible nothing floating useless.. its not like: that is exactly what it is.

something cool happened yesterday though... my brother's children visited- a very very noisy lot ranging from ages four to nine (2 twins, another, another, another) and so I sat them down in a circle and we all held hands and I got them to chant close their eyes and chant 'ohm', all the while telling them to relax and feel the stillness from their hearts and in their minds, to breath deeply and to think of nothing. The chanting was fantastic, and they didnt want to stop.. it sounded quite strange and good when all 6 of us where chanting/humming ohm.. almost like the room was moving.. and it beats kids screaming and waking everyone up.

well its 3am now so I've got to eat my last meal of the day before I fast tomorrow. Fried eggs on toast it is

I should get a mean and violent Pit Bull and name him Hitler or Joseph Stalin. Either that or Ku Klux Klan.

^Get his coat dyed blond and get some blue custom made contacts for his eyes. I'll have to make sure he was born with small genitals though.

A white cat might have blue eyes naturally, white= blonde in catworld, me thinks... my Hitler's got no balls though, we chopped them off years ago


...yeah because you could have a naturally blonde-coloured cat but he would be considered tanned in catworld, because of melanin, only white cats don't have melanin right?

too much pressure to fall asleep so naturally I'm still awake and the alarm rang 10 minutes ago, need to be ready in an hour and I can't drink coffee or anything.. yet :/
but my sleeping habits went wrong when I decided nighttime was reading and writingforum time lol, nighttime was my daytime and my afternoon was night. that is going to change once I'm back.
(something deleted here)
now I'm going to go and have a lovely day.

stayed at another place for a while and that or something in the air made me feel very fragile in the last few days and have been having a couple of nightmares a night for the past two nights, but I don't remember that I'm dreaming in them so I can't fly away.. Started my work assignments and I'm behind schedule... saving it to the last minute for dramatic effect. Oh, and I ripped the edge of my thumbnail off opening a bottle of sweet soy, but the noodles were worth it.

managed to submit the work questionnaire on time today on a subject I was not familiar with before, to be reviewed by the 'boss' and then the next step is conducting a facetoface interview with the person. really random but now I'm wondering how much eyecontact is the right amount of eye contact to appear confident, lol. ps. duno if its obvious but I'm not confident. at all. and preparation might prevent the shakes and freak outs.

standard procedure deletion.

I hate social situations. I hate getting the shakes and thinking they are noticeable. I know its only cos' I haven't been out for a while. still. when your brain gets fizzy with bubbles like the sort before you think you might faint, if only from sitting on a table with too many people even though they are all friends you practically lived with for a year, that you just haven't seen in a while...its not cool. I. feel.so.drained. Still it was nice to see everyone, and these reactions are probably from my self induced homebounds.