Its Summer so I'm somewhere else, I'm here, in my 'real' home, and its nice. Although it feels like if I were a plant I'd be wilted and rootless already from moving too often and never holding onto my priorities tight enough.
So i'm home, and its nice because I missed my mother, my family, and home food. But my friends have been inexistent here for the last 3 years, and me being me I can't just let go of what hurts, I replay and replay and replay these sick stories in my mind of betrayal and abandonment, whispers of 'they weren't even there when my brother passed away' or that they weren't even there at all. ever. for the last three years..but its not their fault.. not all of it.. I love too much and expected so much more from them than should be expected for what they were...drinking buddies? lol. gymming buddies... hanging out everyday buddies for THEN, but not now.. as my sister says.. we were 'friends of convenience'.. I thought they would be there, and when I shouted at them for not, the way (to me) I only would to the people I feel closest and most comfortable around.. they called me 'things' and turned away. and so....here i am! lol
isn't it wonderful?
What have I done in my week at home? I've been trying to find a job at the local magazine company here, and doing youtube yoga to help my scrunched up hunchbacked posture, I've been reading alot, but I keep changng my mind on what to read.. got some books off kindle amazon recently, not impressed.. I feel like i'm waiting to be inspired but maybe the waiting is the problem.. I just need to BE inspired. I just need to decide that I am inspired then maybe ( no not maybe) I will be. yes, I will be.
there you go: I am inspired.
This week I started reading smoke n mirrors, and neverwhere (Neil Gaiman)
almost finished neverwhere, and started delirium ( someone recommended it on the other page).. its not bad! I like the idea, maybe repetitive? maybe not magically written ( in my point of view) but there are some nice sentences. . I think.. and It does become difficult to put down, sometimes.
I baked two strawberry and cream cakes, one at the start of the week, and one yesterday. and french crepes. . its just something to do, and it smells good and never gets wasted.. we cut it up and send some to the neighbours
going to make mom tom yum soup today.
Last night my cat Hitler came home, he only visits occasionally and he's as big as a lion, no not really. but in my eyes he is. my lion.
also the best hunter of birds and mice in all the cats that I've known, and that would be alot, considering that 'back in the day' we would 'look after' over 20 strays ( no no not indoors! they hung out in the garden 'free' and we'd only feed them, take them to the vets if they get sick, chase wild dogs away that sneak in- although there aren't more 'wild' dogs anymore.. from what Ive 'heard' the police hear would shoot them when they were too many, i used to feed a mother and her puppy that lived in the empty space besides home- until I tried to pet her puppy and she ran after me barking.. scary)
nevermind anyway I feel this is too long but theres nowhere to say things at and noone to say things to that I feel would not be annoyed to bother listening. so.. here I am. and it is a writing forum, so I suppose I can write, right?
I've been finding the chords of the song Soley-pretty face on the guitar.. I really like it but it might be new as I could not find the chords online.. I think I got it close though, close enough for it to sound like it enough for me to sing along to it.. blegh.
I want to start reading one of those writers help books. I'll do that now.. maybe if I alternate between storyreading and reading about how to write, I might eventually find an idea.
IF you've read this far I think you are a superhero/heroin.