Thread: Advice/opinions...if you'd like to share?

I told my 'x'? husband to leave back in April after a big argument, where he threatened to hit me and kill me and smash the door down, all in front of our children. His punch missed. It wasn't the first time he'd lost his temper, and so quickly, he'd never physically hurt me, just pushed and shoved me a couple of times, but I'm sure his temperament added to the stress I was feeling when I was pregnant and ended up in hospital in premature labour twice in a week after vicious rows. This was the last straw for me. I packed a bag for him, cos I knew he'd be back, this was really hard, but I knew if I didn't do it then I wouldn't be strong enough to again. I felt scared in my home and dead locked the doors at night.
I understand people say stuff they don't mean when they argue, but when we met up afterwards he kept saying I was the one who needed help and it was my fault for winding him up.
Its been several months now, I only took down the wedding photos recently, think I have been scared to move on, he's been living in digs ever since, has continued to see the children. He says he wants us to try again, but I can't see that he's changed, and I don't think I love him anymore, I still care about him, and am scared he'll turn really nasty if we go through all the motions of divorce, so I suppose I've been putting it off. It's Christmas soon, I don't know what to do, I feel sorry for him, but I don't think I could take him back, but I feel bad about it and for the children. I didn't want a broken marriage, or to raise the children alone, its so hard. And I don't want to be alone.

Am I being stupid? Does this happen in a lot of relationships and people just get on with it or put up with it? it's not how I've been brought up, but sometimes I think maybe it is normal and I'm making too much of it?
But even if that is the case, I don't think I could love him again, not at this moment anyway.

Originally Posted by Zedten

he threatened to hit me and kill me and smash the door down, all in front of our children. His punch missed. It wasn't the first time he'd lost his temper, and so quickly, he'd never physically hurt me, just pushed and shoved me a couple of times,

I felt scared in my home and dead locked the doors at night.

he kept saying I was the one who needed help and it was my fault for winding him up.

I can't see that he's changed, and I don't think I love him anymore,

am scared he'll turn really nasty if we go through all the motions of divorce, so I suppose I've been putting it off.

It's Christmas soon, I don't know what to do, I feel sorry for him, but I don't think I could take him back, but I feel bad about it and for the children. I didn't want a broken marriage, or to raise the children alone, its so hard. And I don't want to be alone.

Does this happen in a lot of relationships and people just get on with it or put up with it? it's not how I've been brought up, but sometimes I think maybe it is normal and I'm making too much of it?

I've cut out parts of the post and left the most important ones.
He threatened it, how far away is he from carrying out those threats? Yes, people say things in the heat of the moment, but most people havn't already gotten physical at that point. It does not matter that he missed, what matters is he threw a punch in the first place. If he is willing to push and shove, he may escalate as time goes on.
You wouldn't say he tried to run me down in a car and missed and be fine with it. I know that is far more extreme example but really, the attempt is what is important not the outcome.

You were scared enough to feel the need to dead lock the doors, that should be a strong indication that you yourself couldn't trust him not to try to attack you or the children.

Abusers often try to blame the abused and alleviate their involvement/guilt.
If he hasn't changed why should you allow him back into your home, what has he done to prove to you he can be trusted, that it wont happen again? Words are cheap, actions are hard. this involves your children, whether you think they will be effected or not, they will be. They will grow up thinking that a violent relationship is a happy and loving relationship, they will think arguments and shoving (potentially more) is normal, whether you think it is or not, shoving is, to me, equal to hitting. It's using strenght and physical threats to get his way or to end the arguement.

Again, if you are scared of how he will react to a divorce then it shows again that while he hasn't gotten overly physical or to more extreme forms of physical force, you think he is very capable of it.

It does not matter that it is christmas, as mean as that might sound. You and your childrens safety is all that matters. If you think he could get violent/fear for your safety why should you invite him back? I think your children would prefer a christmas without their father than one where they are scared because their parents fighting or because their father attacked their mother.

It shouldn't happen in relationships. Arguments happen but they should never, never get physical from either party. People shouldn't put up with it, though some do (I have heard many woman say "he hits me because he loves me, it shows he cares".) It is not normal. It is not right. It shouldn't happen.

If you need to you could ask for help from friends and family, once you have gotten rid of him you have the chance ot move on and find someone better, who will treat your with dignity and respect that everyone deserves. You say you don't want to be alone, but is being alone worse than being in a marrige with a man you don't love while you fear for your safety?

Thanks, I needed that, sometimes when you're stuck in a situation it blurs your vision of reality.
That's helped me to see clearly, thanks.

I'm glad I could help and I understand how you can rationalise thing away, I've done it myself and sometimes you need someone else to tell you that something isn't right. I really hope everything works out for you. It might be tough but it will be worth it.

If you're struggling emotionally there might be support groups in your area with other women who are going through something similar and it could make things easier if you talk about it.

Everything PcSt said. Law enforcement. They should be involved. Great deterrent. I know a guy with temper issues. He's always been a big effen baby. After they locked his @$$ up a few times, he magically "learned".

Hi Zedten.

I think that you've done the hardest part. You left! Now is the time for you to heal and move on.

I think women find it too easy to lose their self-respect, the love they should feel for themselves; to protect themselves. He was a coward and should never have raised a hand to you, no matter how angry he was. We all get angry, we all want to slap or punch something sometimes, but we're grown-up enough to know, that we don't. We go somewhere, we walk it off, we chill out.

If he gets angry over the divorce coming his way, well too bad, he did it. He did this. He made this situation! He must be accountable for his actions. You've admitted that you're not in love with him anymore, so don't go back. And I'd say the same thing even if you were in love with him. Be strong, be confident and be brave! All of which you have been! You are so brave to get yourself and your children out of that situation. You knew enough when you left that it was wrong, and just because time has gone by, doesn't mean it's any less wrong.

Christmas time has nothing to do with anything.

Just remember, you did what you had to, and what you must continue to do. Be strong! You're a brave woman! ;0)

Thanks for all your replies, and support, I really appreciate it.

WARNING: If your husband does any of that, in many places, unless you've filed for divorce if he comes to your place and invades/threatens/attacks you, it is "domestic violence" not breaking and entering, assault, etc.

Learned the hard way.

I've gone through spousal abuse too. Your husband has taken no responsiblity for his actions, he blames you. That means he hasn't changed and won't change unless he seeks some sort of help. What was said before is right, the children would not only be damaged by seeing violence against a woman as normal, but in the end he will get around to hurting them too, it's guarenteed. You didn't say what country your in, but talk to Law enforcement, they'll keep a record and advise you of what legal steps to take for your protection. Go wherever you have to go to learn how to handle this situation to your advantage. Christmas is just a day in your life, you can make it special for your children without their father being there. Be strong and know there are a lot of woman out here that have been where you are now.

I'm proud of you for having the strength and courage to kick him out. Nothing makes me go "what, really???" than a woman who puts up with an openly abusive husband, it's just plain wrong. My respect is even further into the negatives for him that he did that in front of his kids. Wow.

File for divorce. Please.

Has anyone suggested castration? Seriously.

It's not about sex, it's mental. It's about manipulation, domination and control. He probably feels inadequate about his life and abusing her makes him feel powerful. He's someone who will shove another down to push himself up. I had hoped she would give us a clue as to what happened after she wrote.

I had put it down to us coming from different countries, backgrounds and cultures, I am his only family here in the UK, I think he was stressed and missing his home and culture. So I suppose I had been feeling kinda responsible.
I'd been putting off dealing with getting a divorce also, cos he'd threatened to take the kids away to his home country, which if he did, it is legal over there. He has been better with me recently, but all what he said is still at the back of my mind.
Anyhow, regardless of all of that, there has been 'too much water under the bridge' and I am thinking to be fair to us both we should get divorced. It isn't easy tho' cos, although what happened, happened, like I wrote it, he was also kind and loving at times. That's what fries my head!

In the end, it's your life and the life of your children and you are the only one who can decide what to do. I would still advise you to talk to someone about this, someone who is capable of helping you see your options, a counsellor at a battered women's shelter or someone else of the nature. Nice and then violent is the pattern for abusers, it keeps you off guard. Take care and good luck.

I just had a long conversation with someone this morning who grew up in a home with an abusive father, trust me, you don't want your kids to grow up like that. He couldn't sleep at night with his mother and father fighting and not knowing if he'd have to race downstairs to pull his father off of beating his mother. I know it has to seem less frightening to stay in the situation and try to make the best of it. But if he's exploded with anger this many times and finally tried to punch you, if he's telling you that it's your fault, say with me now:

That is unacceptable
that is unacceptable
that is unacceptable
(repeat until you're convinced)

Find an advocate as egpenny suggested and get out of the whole situation. Fight him hard as you can for the kids. No part of this is good for them or for you.