Thread: I guess it was too much to hope for a drama-free year.

I won't go into the details, but my brother is having second thoughts about getting married, and it's causing a lot of conflict in the family. He asked me what I think, and my mom tried to talk to me about it, but I kept myself out of the situation, and I'm planning on keeping it that way. From this point on, I'm deaf, blind, and mute when it comes to their problems. The next time they argue, I'm putting in my music, sticking my face in a book and ignoring the rest of the world.

I hate getting caught up in these stupid marriage issues. It's simple to me: either you love her, or you don't. If you do, things will work out. If you don't, then you probably shouldn't marry her.

Still not saying anything though. I've caused a lot of problems in a similar situation because I shared my opinion. This time, I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Sometimes neutrality is the best policy.

Sorry things are dramatic. Hope it clears up soon.

Me too. Not sure how long this is going to last. Thanks, Leyline.

I would tend to agree with you, if in doubt, don't, and if they want to they will make it work; and that expressing your opinion will probably bring some sort of blame down on your head. Having said that a sympathetic, neutral ear can be very useful to one trying to make up their mind, but try not to guide or direct, like:-

"So that's it dreamy, what do you think?"
"It's really difficult isn't it? How do you see it?"
Then smile and nod to show you are listening, but let him carry on. When he finishes avoid the temptation to draw conclusions for him, ask the question you have been preparing whilst he was talking so you do not phrase it leadingly.

Everybody needs a sounding board sometimes and close family are the natural choice. If you are aware what is going on and do not have his emotional involvement it should be possible to stay neutral and still be sympathetic. Remember he is someone you are likely to know and care about for the rest of your life, isolation is a short term and slightly selfish solution, but it is his life, the decisions must be his.

I like your isolationist policy on this. Nearly thirty years ago, when my mom and stepfather were dating, she would say "I love this man. I want to marry him." A week later it was "I never want to see him again." Then, she married him-quite suddenly.

My brother followed suit just weeks later with his GF. On both occasions, they went to a JP to get married, then went to a pub afterwards.

My mom and step were married ten years when he passed. My brother and his wife will celebrate their 28th this year (despite being married at the age of eighteen.

Weird, fortunately no one discusses stuff like this with me because I don't really give advice to anyone (rather when asked I agree with everyone) . I would rather keep it that way, being blamed for something that you never intended to happen always feels bad. Support you here!

Thanks all. I'm doing my best to be there for my brother without influencing him in any way.

I wish someone would have talked some sense into me before my first marriage.

Sounds like they want validation of their own opinions rather than your opinion anyway. I think staying out of it sounds wise.

I'd say if you have to ask people whether or not you should marry someone -- you probably shouldn't.

I think sometimes when people ask for advice, or what you think, they don't always want to know what you really think; they just want you to say what they'd like to hear, to make them feel better. I'm not Sigmund Freud, but that's the feelin' I get.

It can be a very tough situation to be involved in, and I always take great care with what I say and how I say it when I'm put on the spot. I try to avoid conflict wherever possible, so I think you're doing the right thing Dream. I've lost friends being honest, and looking back. . .it wasn't worth the trouble. I've realized that just being there for the people you love is what's important, but when someone truly wants an honest answer, I give it, albeit worded much more carefully. It's like picking a lock: be brutal, and the pick'll snap; be subtle, and the door'll open right up. .

Good luck to your brother, and try to stay sane . It's not easy though (EXCELSIOR!).

PS: Happy Birthday, sorry it's so late.

I totally agree with you, Joe. I don't need to tell him that though. He's pretty much made up his mind.