Thread: Bad night

Parents have been having major issues. My dad's got a lot of bad secrets. Tonight he said the meanest things to my mom, then left. I don't know where he is. Probably hanging out with one of his secret lady friends. I don't know if that's what he does when he leaves without telling us where he's going, but it seems very possible. My mom doesn't know about it. Only I do. She cried tonight. Had to hold her.

I really want to move out when I graduate, but they won't let me. It's selfish of them to expect me to live here when it's like this all the time. All I can do is hope things will get better. If it gets worse, I'm out as soon as I'm done with this year.

Sorry to hear that. It's good you were there to comfort your mum. Can't be a nice thing to deal with there, having things hidden, dark secrets.

If you want to move out, you should be able to. That's your decision, why wont they let you?

Well I know what you're going through, even if the problems are dissimilar, the feelings are the same. This sounds corny but, I really am here if you need to talk to someone (can't believe I just said that.)

Hope everything turns out okay for you.

I'm so sorry to hear things are going like this, Dream. I think I'd want to leave, too, in your shoes. It does seem unfairly difficult for your parents to put you in this kind of situation. I'm sorry I only have words to offer but do hope things get better and that you can personify grace under pressure.

That sucks. It must be a tough situation. On the bright side, you're there for your Mom, which is important. That's all you can really do, I think, is be there for your parents without letting them drag you into their crap. Which is what it sounds like you're doing.

Good luck. I hope things get better.

Thanks for the support guys. Today it's actually worse, but I'm doing my best to just ignore it. Bruno, I'll be able to move out once I'm eighteen. My parents grew up in a place where it's unheard of for a daughter to leave the nest before she's married, that's why they don't want me to leave. I'd be okay with staying if it wasn't for all the fighting, but if they expect me to stay and deal with their crap after high school, they're in for a big surprise.

Again, thanks guys. You're all great.

Well it isn't your mess. It's always tough to ignore fighting and shouting, not a nice feeling at all. I hope you have something to take your mind off it.

If this continues after school then, I guess something should be done. The married before leaving thing shocks me though, I don't understand that.

Have you sat them down and told them seriously that their actions are tearing you apart and making YOU miserable. You are most likely the reason they are still together and thats a good thing. I would think having their 18 year old, or young adult, or whatever daughter tell them straight up what your feeling would make a big difference and at least force them to try harder or in the alternative get a divorce if its beyond fixing.

I know a girl in the pretty much the same position as you, only her parents are divorced and she lives with her mother (who from what I can gather is a bitch). She is graduating early and then going to move in with her aunt.

That being said, I can understand your frustration and want to move out. But you should tell your parents how you feel about them and what it is doing to you first. It might help.

Thanks for all your advice, guys. I think I'll skip over the talking to them part. They're not the most understanding people. My mom always tells me to be nice to my dad when I'm giving him attitude. That whole, "Honor and respect your father, even if he is cheating on your mother," thing. Right now I'm just trying to separate myself from them and being dependant on myself more than anything else. Really, who else can you truly rely on?

Having grown up with parents who occasionally made the house a very uncomfortable place to be, I empathise, but I also think it is a really good thing to get out and try your own life before you are married. They are just giving you a really good excuse to do so. Ironic, since that is not what they want. And cyber hugs. It really stinks to be there.

I don't want to get your hopes up, but there are some things you can do. Try not to do anything to antagonize either of them. Ask them to think about what makes their love of you special, and what makes each other special, before they do anything dumb.

Don't know how strong a comparison there is to the fights my ex-gf and I used to have, but we got through them by retrospectively looking at them and analyzing through the lens of cognitive distortions and we would finish our discussions with cognitive restructuring. It's a lot of work, and requires each party to sit down and shut up while the other person lets it all out, but I credit our continuing friendship to the effort we put in. It was like having landing gears on the plane of our relationship. Very often we misunderstood the meaning of what the other person was saying. However, there is a Catch-22 here. You can only get better at this by having more fights to give you practice. I suppose roleplaying fake arguments wouldn't hurt, but I can't advise you on that.

Cognitive distortion descriptions:
Cognitive distortion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Cognitive restructuring process explained:
Cognitive Restructuring

Let them each have their space as well. Do what you can and then step back.