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tucanbundy · 11-02-2008, 07:57 AM

I'm sure by now most of you have my depressing story and series of threads bitching about it memorized to the letter, so let's skip that.

I noticed that the first thread I started where I whined about my situation has been bumped back up, despite three or four (I think) threads I've started since then.I've gathered from reading my own posts out of complete boredome that everything I post is either totally depressing and sad, pointlessly offensive and misanthropic, or just flat out stupid.I'd apologize for it, but you all know me (too) well enough to know I'm not gonna say anything of any redeeming social value outside of this specific section of the forum.

So, to those of you who saw that 'Not exactly a week...' thread, please understand that was months ago when I posted that, so please read my follow up threads so you don't think I'm such a manic depressive suicidal asshole.You'll realize that, over the past few months, I have decreased somewhat in my manic depressive suicidal assholism.Yes, I'm still a misanthropic cunt who hates seemingly everything and everyone on the planet, but I'm nicer about it now.I'm calmer.

I'm still crippled, and I'm still working on it, and it still fucking sucks.Not much to update there.I'm incredibly good on my knees now (as I always was) and I'm finally moving my ankles now.I can't move my toes, but whatever, the rest is working.I just can't walk.It's bullshit, I know.I'm a prisoner in my own fucking body.It sucks, and I don't know whether or not I'll walk again.I'm 100% positive I'll never be 100% again, but I don't know if I'll ever walk again.It could go either way.

Mood wise I'm up and down.Sometimes I feel horrible (and that's when I post here) and sometimes I feel great.All the time I'm pissed off about being crippled.

Now, as those of you who read my posts knows, I was dumped by my douchebag ex-boyfriend while I was in the hospital, but I recently realized that I was the douche about it.I was a drug addict, I OD'd a few times, and I repeatedly tried to kill myself.I wasn't hurting me, I was hurting him.I understand him leaving me now because he didn't want to go through the pain of possibly losing a loved one and repeatedly having to save my life.So I'm sorry to him for that and now my grade 10 drop out junkie brain has finally helped me realize what a selfish cocksucker I really am.

Now something good.Recently, in an attempt to reclaim the life I previously had, I asked out this girl I had a crush on.She said yes, and I thought it was just because she felt bad for me being crippled.Well, on the date she honestly seemed to like me, although she was kinda shy.I think I fell in love with her.She's such a sweet and innocent sort of girl that it turns me on beyond belief, sorta like I'm corrupting her.But there's something about her innocence that I want to maintain, if that makes sense, like I wanna fuck her, but I don't want to because I'm afraid she'll lose her innocent sexiness.My dick is arguing with itself (or my heart, maybe).On Friday I introduced her to a few of my friends, and she was so adorable all night.I've been on my best behavior.I'm all worried about offending her, which is rare for me 'cause I'm usually just myself, which is a prick, but I feel like I really can't lose this girl.Honestly, the only reason I asked her out is because she's a redhead.I've mentioned many many times before that, as far as women go, I love redheads.She's so cute, she's got light skin, mid-length hair, she's not too freckly, but just freckly enough to drive the ginger fetishist inside me crazy, she's got like this shy gentle sort of voice, she's adorable, seriously.I love her.I have another date with her tonight and I really hope I don't fuck it up.I don't want to lose this sweet little ginger angel before I even get a chance with her.

What else is going on in my world?Oh, yeah, I've actually started doing small-time comedy gigs now.I think I've mentioned my new goal of becoming a comic.I did a gig that was repeatedly disrupted by a girl in the audience that was offended by one of my jokes because it used the word 'nigger,' but I used the joke again last night and noone seemed to care.What's kind of ironic about the girl getting offended is she kept calling me a 'crippled faggot,' which is confusing and almost hypocritical.

I'm a fairly political person, yet for some reason I totally avoid the debate forum.I think it's because I'm also stupid and don't know how to make my opinions make sense to anyone besides myself.The only thing I ever seem to comment on is religion, and it's always something negative.I love religion, I honestly do, it's hilarious, I just can't think like you guys do and give insightful thought provoking opinions on stuff.This is why you guys are the playwrites and I'm the court jester.

Actually, thinking about it, I don't post here a whole lot at all, and whenever I do it's always a two sentance post that just basically says what I want to say with no explanation and I move on to the next activity.I don't say a whole lot because whenever I do, here or in the real world, I always take it too far and say the wrong thing.I'm like a crippled Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, only I'm not rich or funny.

Yes, I am still a schediaphile, and I'm still blaming the fact that I've obviously gone insane, but at least now I'm chanelling that dementia into song parodies that noone besides me seem to understand.

Speaking of pussies, I was offended by someone else's post here and I actually whined about it to them.That's what a fucking pussy I am.It's a double standard, though, because obviously I say much worse things than what they said.I'm a hypocrite for that, and to that person I am sorry.

Okay, what else?Oh yeah, let's update on my hatred of day to day encounters with people who compliment me for no reason.The other day I was having a really shitty day, and late in the afternoon, while I was wheeling down the street, this old cunt with what I assume was her grandkid says "oh, look at you, it's so great that you're out on your own."What the fuck is wrong with you able bodied people?Why do you think that handicapped people need constant compliments?We're fucking handicapped, all you're doing is bringing attention to a fact that most of us subhumans would like to forget, if at all possible.We want to be treated just like other people.Seriously, when she said this I just smiled and nodded, but inside I was fantasizing about cutting her open and strangling her to death with her own entrails in front of her grandkid.So please, be considerate, TREAT US LIKE FUCKING PEOPLE!

What else?I've reinvolved my sister in my life.No, no, not that one.I'm in a wheelchair, do you think I'm willing to dig up her grave?Okay, I really regret that joke.Anyway, my younger sister and me have been talking more since she came to visit and I visited her.She lives alone too with two kids from different boyfriends (I probably shouldn't be telling you this), and I invited her to move in with me because I live alone, too.She declined, but she seemed really appreciative that I offered.We agreed that we can talk to eachother about our problems.I'll be her disabled shoulder to cry on.

What else can I pontificate about?I think I'm getting fat.If I had to guess, I'd say I weigh about 215 pounds.Now, I'm not like really visibly fat because I'm tall and constantly sitting down, but I recently developed a set of tits.It doesn't suit me, I haven't worn a skirt in years.So I have to lose weight or die.

Some of you have probably seen me talk about my current activities in other posts.I know someone noticed that in I think the Randomness thread I was whining about how lonely I was and was thinking about suicide.How do I know this?It was reposted, which was quite embarrassing.I also know a few people noticed the post about my ex-boyfriend calling me and another post where I was talking about how "something was wrong."I just need to learn to learn when to shut up and what not to post.

I think that's enough for now.Thank you for reading.

Intel · 11-02-2008, 09:05 AM

I'm glad your feeling better. Concerning your redhead friend, I would say don't rush into things too soon. I know what its like to be at your lowest, then a kind girl shows up. You latch onto her, thinking she'll be the end to all your problems. Your mind places her on a pedestal and conjures up an almost super woman image to which no woman can live up to. In the end you only suffocate her with your neediness and she loses interest in what first attracted her to you. Just take it slow

To lose some weight I recommend swimming. When I was younger I went to swimming classes for around 5 years and would still drown in a puddle of water. Perhaps you'll get the hang of it better than I. I'm truly glad your making progress in your life.

tucanbundy · 11-07-2008, 05:52 AM

I've tried swimming a few times to help with my rehab.It works there, but now I have an extreme fear of drowning due to the fact that my legs can only do so much.

I'm glad I'm feeling better, too.I honestly feel happier now, and, this probably sounds dumb, but I really think it's the girl.I went from feeling so depressed and lonely that I wanted to kill myself a few weeks ago to happy and cheerful (well, for me) today.I don't even think it's the red hair.I really feel like I love her.I've never actually felt this way before.I've really gotten to know her over the past few weeks.You hit it on the nose that I need her because I honestly do, but I am playing it slow with her.

This is gonna sound so stupid.I'm kinda shocked noone else has replied to this thread.I would have thought a little positive news out of me for a change would be a nice change of pace on here.

I'm still dedicated to walking again, and I'm getting better.I'm way better now.When this all started for me, I was actually a quadroplegic.I never thought I'd get my arms back, but I did, so why not my legs?

So yes, to those of you who have read my other threads or the random hateful statements I make in various other threads, I am happy now.

Malone · 11-07-2008, 06:15 AM

So what's wrong with you? I guess it's not spinal since I don't think you come back from that with just rehab, and I don't know how an OD would affect your spine.

Not rich or funny Larry David...so a bald, neurotic, Jew? Larry is one of my favorite people in the world.

Post some of your jokes.

tucanbundy · 11-07-2008, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malone

So what's wrong with you? I guess it's not spinal since I don't think you come back from that with just rehab, and I don't know how an OD would affect your spine.

Not rich or funny Larry David...so a bald, neurotic, Jew? Larry is one of my favorite people in the world.

Post some of your jokes.

Apparently I have Guillain Barre syndrome, a disease I never heard of.Theoretically it wasn't related to the OD at all, more to the suicide attempt.Apparently it can be cause by vaccinations, and I got a shot after I slashed my wrists, so I think that's what caused it.

No, I'm not a bald neurotic Jew.Well, I am neurotic, and my dad was half Jewish, and I have a Jewish name, but I personally am not Jewish.I was saying more of his social idiocy, how he seems to fuck up every social situation he's in.

Okay, I'll post a few jokes.These are paraphrased, but fairly close to how I tell them.Bear in mind I'm just starting out with this comedy thing to sorta lighten up about my situation.Most of my money comes from a pension and a few lawsuits from the past few years.

WARNING, POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE CONTENT!

"I know, you were expecting a stand up comedian..."

"Hello, I'm Strother Rothstein.You might find my humor very black and blue, just like a woman who doesn't listen."

"When I was in the hospital, I was really lonely and depressed, my room mates were always these guys who were so old that they'd make Jack Kevorkian shit his pants with joy.One of them died, actually, but that's not the point.Anyway, while I was in my room, fantasizing about killing and raping my rehab assistant, I noticed that there was this really cute girl in the room next to me.She was probably around 21, so I figured, what the hell?I'm bummed out, she probably feels the same way, so why not talk to her?I wheel on into her room, I wheel up to her.She's just staring out the window, so I'm wondering what drugs they have her on.I decide to just introduce myself, so I'm like "hi, I'm Strother, I'm in the room next to you."Her response was, and I quote, DA-WAR-AH-BA-DUH-WA!She was fucking retarded!I actually tried to talk to a girl who was fucking retarded!I didn't fuck her, you know, because she was fucking retarded and I was scared of what she might do to anything I put in her mouth."

"Who dreamt up anal beads?Between anal beads and a pearl necklace, you just don't know what you're getting on Valentine's Day anymore."

"Even murderers have hearts.They keep them in the freezer."

"I'm part Jewish, and I'm an otaku, I love Japan.What do the Jews and Japanese have in common?They're both terrified of gas.Ha ha!What, too soon?"

"I love to watch children, but they took away my binoculars."

"There are alot of things I can't do in a wheelchair, like stalking.Do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to hide in the bushes with a wheelchair?I can't play musical chairs anymore, either.Either that or I'm always the winner."

"I support abortion, I think if you want to kill a child you should be allowed to.You know, like the Ramseys, only a few trimesters sooner.Abortion laws are bullshit, but they kinda bring new meaning to that Mommie Dearest scene."

"I've tried to kill myself a few times.I haven't succeeded so far, but what I find so awesome about it is you don't have to clean up the mess afterwards."

(this is an outdated joke and it (understandably) really pissed off a girl in the audience the first time I did it)
"The election's coming up.I can't wait until Obama wins.I'd love to just see the faces of these inbred cousin fucking Joe The Plumber rednecks.(southern accent)'What?THE NIGGER WON?WHAT THE FUCK KINDA WU-TANG RODNEY KING BULLSHIT IS THIS?Scooter, get my shotgun!We gots us a darky to kill!'"

"If I'm handicapped, what does that make Scientologists?"

"I took ten years of acting classes and it pisses me off when I see talentless hacks like Keanu Reeves making millions of dollars in all these shitty overrated movies.Fuck Keanu, he can go bareback an AIDS patient, I'm the one with the REAL acting talent!"

"I was visiting my sister at work the other day.I'm her brother, I think I should get a blowjob half off, but she has two kids, so I guess she just needs it."

There's a few.There are dozens of others.Yeah, so, if this works out, I'm a blue comic.

EDIT - Oh, yeah, I'm not seriously considering stand up as a career.I'd love to have an HBO special, but that takes years, and my real goal in life is to be a film director.Wishful thinking for now, but I have hope.

KangTheMad · 11-07-2008, 10:03 AM

Nothing special with the jokes. Your racist one made me smile a little but..Chin up man.

terrib · 11-07-2008, 10:47 AM

I know a bit about Guillain Barre, tb.....you are right, it is very rare and very hard to diagnose......if you have any questions....just let me know....

Kayleigh7 · 11-07-2008, 10:55 AM

try to stay positive Tucan. I know its hard sometimes, but keeping a positive outlook and using mind over matter can really make a difference.

congrats on the red head...i think

Damien. · 11-07-2008, 01:12 PM

You know what will make you feel better? A Damien hug. Lots of them.

Gabriel Gray · 11-07-2008, 04:10 PM

I was about to post 'hey you're pretty funny' halfway through, but then i saw that you wanted to be a comedian - then i saw your comment about people being nice about your disability so i thought i'd play it safe.

If you write any black short stories/plays give me a pm, i get a feeling i'd enjoy your ranting