adrianhayter

Bare with me. It took me a while to figure all this out but I finally got a hold on it. As I mentioned earlier to Chris, my anis itches, not always, just recently. He thought I might have worms but I believe there’s another explanation.

It started when I got a splinter in my finger.

Since I smoke and have the immune system of a corpse, my finger got infected, festering until blue lines radiated out across the hand and up into my arm. A week later, I made the decision to see a doctor at the last minute and since we all know, the USA has the best medical care in the world, I couldn’t get an appointment with my GP, who the American Medical Association, fondly calls my “Gate Keeper”. You Brits think about that for a while. The best medical care in the world has a man who guards the gate to your health.

So instead of begging the “Gate Keeper” for my life, I walk into a private clinic, credit card in hand. I get in immediately, no wait and someone in a while coat examines me, tells me it’s blood poisoning, and I could loose the hand if they don’t operate now. Operate! Shit!

I lay on a table and the woman in the white coat tells me the Novocain she needs to inject into my hand will hurt worse than the lancing. She’s a little rough around the edges but I’m hurting so bad, I don’t care. I don’t pay any attention because I’ve been to the dentist before, I can handle Novocain. She jabs the needle in and I scream like a ten year old girl. She jabs it in again and now I’m baby talking, whining for mercy. Unknown to me at the time, my legs have involuntarily shot out straight and destroyed some high-tech, very expensive looking medical equipment.

Eventually, just before I pass out from the ordeal, the painkillers kick in and I start to relax. I’m sure there’s not much more they can do to me. When I’m relaxed, I like to chit-chat, find out about people’s lives, kick back and pass the time of day. So I’m talking to the woman in the white coat about where she’s come from, what her dreams are, and so on and so on.

That’s when she tells me where she previously resided - at the State Penitentiary, carving up inmates. That explains her motherly bedside manner but back to anis itch.

The woman in white prescribes multiple prescriptions of antibiotics – I take them faithfully because I never want to see her again and shortly, the itch begins.

That’s when my wife’s head swells up twice its normal size with what she believes is a tooth abscess. I take her to the dentist but her jaw is so swollen that they can’t open her mouth to take an x-ray so they prescribe antibiotics and send us home.

Ok, I’m coming to the end. Fortunately, my wife’s dentist is not a prison doctor and he warns her about the antibiotics, telling her to take Acidophilus or her stomach bacteria will head south for the winter – light bulb goes on and I take some and itch goes away.

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...and still, two years later, he continues to write aimlessly with no apparent purpose in mind.

Ana Kata

It's spelled anus.

adrianhayter

LOL-not in Texas

Must be the antibiotics.

Adrian

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...and still, two years later, he continues to write aimlessly with no apparent purpose in mind.

Tiamat10

Oh my god, Adrian. Sorry to laugh at your misery (well, no I'm not) but that was hilarious. And best of all, it had a happy ending--your 'anis' isn't itching anymore. Great stuff. I hope you didn't have to pay for the very expensive equipment your leg spasm destroyed.

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Olly Buckle

"Bare with me". Not my anus (Maybe bear?)
The usual cause of an itchy arse is piles and the cure is to wash every time you go to the lavatory, things old men find out about.

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I had a tremendous advantage in life, at the age of eighteen I caught polio and for eighteen months was totally paralysed except for my eyes. Milton Erickson

Foxee

I award this thread the "Most Wince-Worthy Thread of the Month!" Congrats.

Good news about Uranus.

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

ash somers

lol

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adrianhayter

Do I get a trophy or just heart felt adulation?

Adrian

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...and still, two years later, he continues to write aimlessly with no apparent purpose in mind.

The Backward OX

Or, if u r very lucky you had a pilectomy (today's new word) forty years ago and have never suffered itchy arse since.

(I still fondly remember that nurse)

Foxee

Money's tight. We'll give you the adulation and I'll go a far as to give you a slap on the...back.

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

Malone

That's certainly interesting. You should have asked for the gas before the novocain. The gas is good.

Glad you're itch free.

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There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed

Loulou

You never heard the old saying, Adrian? Itch your bum, surprise to come...

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We rarely buy unsolicited manuscripts, but my editor and I thought that this was a superior piece of fiction - Sunday Express magazine