Sam Winchester

You'd think it would get easier. Not a bit of it. It still hurts as much today as it did on that Sunday ten years ago. People say that "time heals all wounds," but those people are usually the ones who have never lost anyone.

My sister died on this day ten years ago. She took ill on the Friday, stayed in bed all day Saturday, and was taken into hospital Sunday morning. Me and my brothers went to mass, while my father and mother took her into the city hospital. It was the last time I ever set foot in a chapel (other than anniversaries). It was also the last time I ever saw my sister alive.

We came back home from the chapel and were no sooner in the house than the phone rang. She was already dead at this point but our parents didn't tell us. God knows what would have happened on the journey if they had. I remember vividly having a laugh with my brothers as we drove - over the limit - to the hospital. None of us ever thought for even a second that there was anything wrong. The naivety of youth.

I didn't notice anything wrong with her when I looked into the ward. I thought she was asleep. It wasn't until I looked over to my parents that I knew something was wrong. Dad was holding mom, trying to fight back tears. But mom was crying into his arms. I remember looking back to the bed and seeing the blue on my sister's lips. And I remember my heart nearly ripping from my chest. I fell to the ground, and I stayed there until someone - I can't remember who - picked me up. I don't remember anything after that until we got home. I don't remember the wake, or the funeral.

So, yeah, it's been a rough week. My mom took solace in the bottle again, and I was the only one home to stay with her, to try to comfort her. She lost her only daughter. What do you do to comfort her? How do you even begin to try?

And what pisses me off the most is my family. Not my immediate family. They were all there tonight for the anniversary mass. But the other, useless c**ts who were told last week that the mass was tonight, and couldn't bother their fat, lazy asses to show up. If I, the most atheist SOB you could meet, can spare an hour of my time to pay respect to my sister, why can't those useless f**ks do the same? It's not a lot to ask, is it?

My sister was the nicest person you could ever meet. She never had a bad word in her for anyone. Most brothers don't get along with their sisters. Not me. I loved her. She was the one person there for me at all times during my life. Sometimes I wonder, if there is a God in this world, why he took my sister away from us. And that opens a can of worms that makes me feel like crap.

The wounds are still there. It still hurts, damn it. They're not as fresh as they were back then, but nights like tonight re-open them and bring back all those feelings that I thought were locked away. But they're never locked away. You can cover the wounds with scabs, but all it takes is for you to pick at them and all the pain comes rushing back again.

My dear sister - RIP. You are gone from our home but not our hearts.

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Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

Malone

Sorry, brosef. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but you're right on about those people not showing up. That's horrible.

Glad you didn't mention yourself relapsing due to a day like this. That was the first thing I thought of when I started reading. Nice work staying strong and being there for your mom.

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There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed

SacredCircle

I'm sorry Sam. I lost my Dad a little over a year ago. You are more right than I would like to admit about the pain. While I had hoped it would go away down the road, I knew it would always linger.
My extended family has been the same way since he passed. We were all so close before hand, and now I never hear from them. Worse, they don't call or email my mom. It feels like they avoid us. Maybe our families just don't know how to handle things, so they stick their heads in the sand?
Regardless, know that at least you are doing what needs to be done my going to church and being there for your family. I don't know if it really helps any, but your not alone in your struggles.

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Tiamat10

I'm really, really sorry for your loss, Sam. I know this isn't a subject you're able to talk about, but I hope that at the very least posting this has helped to release something in you.

There's not really much else I can say. I can't even begin to understand how you feel, having never gone through anything even close to it. I'm just glad you're able to handle the grief without resorting to old habits. You have my deepest condolences.

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Sam Winchester

Malone, Sacred, Tiamat - thanks for your kind words. They say the best therapy is to talk about it. Well, I guess writing about it is the next best thing.

Thanks again.

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Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

terrib

oh sweet....Sam....your sister was lucky to have a brother like you.....my thoughts are with you.

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Sanguis Malus~Bona Mente Datur

Foxee

Sam, I'm really sorry for your loss. To lose someone that close so unexpectedly has to be one of the hardest things in life to deal with.

Consider yourself hugged.

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By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~Mark Twain

Hawke

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sam. You're in my thoughts.

A hug and tons of support.

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"Shut up and write something."~A very wise writer.
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Sam Winchester

*Hugs Terri, Foxee, and Hawke*

Thank you for your support, ladies.

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Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.