Another update - Writers Forum

tucanbundy · 08-30-2008, 06:14 AM

Okay, this is a little shorter than my other posts.Basically, to those who haven't read my other posts, I ended up crippled because of severe nerve damage, some other stuff happened, and now I'm trying to recover.

My recovery plan thus far is working really good.My legs are working way better, but I still can't walk.I'm pretty good on my knees now, though, which has always been one of my favorite positions to be in anyway.I'm fairly confident that I will be walking again soon.Not this year, but soon.

What I'm not confident in, though, is my past.I'm not going to really go into detail, but I am a drug addict.I'm off heroin right now (I have been since I was in the hospital), but I've been replacing it with some other drugs lately and it really isn't the same.I'm not getting the same high and I'm really worried I'm going to relapse.Should I get help or go into rehab or something?

My sit-down comedy (get it?'Cause I'm crippled) goal is on hiatus right now, I'm in a serious writer's block (I've mostly been writing stories for Fanfiction.net lately), and I'm not working right now.Except for the awesomeness of my body recovering, I'm bored out of my skull.Being crippled is surprisingly boring.Maybe because I'm bored I've been getting extremely paranoid and obsessed with stupid things.I'm really worried about getting fat because I don't know how I'd lose the weight afterwards.I've become an insomniac because I keep staying up really late and then worry I'd sleep in the next day so I just don't sleep.I also haven't showered or shaved for a few days, but that's just laziness.

I've been wondering about myself a lot lately, like if I'm actually bisexual or just a homo/heterosexual in denial or if I'm an atheist because I don't believe in anything or just because I wanted to piss off my parents.Sometimes I wonder how much of a dissapointment I must be to them.I don't have a good relationship with them at all.

So that's my news.Nothing really good, nothing really bad, just reassuring you I haven't given up.

ash somers · 08-30-2008, 06:28 AM

you may not realise how well you sound, compared

it takes time, we've spoken of this before, it's still the same

nothing will ever replace it, nothing, do you understand? nothing !

yes, seek help, i call it support, from those you respect, those who know

and let the clock tick tock tick tock ... i'm glad you haven't given up *smiles*

alanmt · 08-30-2008, 09:07 AM

glad to hear about the progress onyour legs
get into an outpatient group therapy program to get off the drugs
get to the gym to work your upper body
don't worry so much about your sexuality, dude
oh and have a shower

Foxee · 08-30-2008, 10:23 AM

Hey, Tucan, I am really, really glad to hear about the improvement of your legs. YES get help with quitting heroin, absolutely do that. Enslavement to an addiction isn't enriching your life, right?

Having that much time to think would drive me a little nuts. You might feel better for someone in the real world to talk to and perhaps filling some time with taking up a skill. I know it sounds silly but drawing, taking up an instrument, making fishing lures...anything that you enjoy and will challenge your abilities and be absorbing at the same time.

I would mention church as a possible encouragement/support system for you but as you say you are an atheist you probably wouldn't be interested. Yet, it might be fun to go and be a challenge to a church near you. LOL, that might be diverting, anyway.

(To anyone who just read that and is firing up a nasty response...don't bother. Yes, I mentioned church, get over it.)

Just get into a support group of some kind. Being alone all the time sounds really difficult even for a person who likes some solitude.

Overall, I'm just glad to hear that you've had some progress and you DO sound much better than before. Enjoy a nice looong hot shower. That's one of the joys of life!

tucanbundy · 09-03-2008, 03:38 AM

Since it's the popular choice and I really want to get my life back on track, I will get help with my drug problem.As I mentioned in another thread I want to have kids someday.It'd be better to clean up now before I have kids rather than end up becoming a clone of my father.

EDIT - I can't believe how much I've changed in the last year.I was always a bitter, depressed, nihilistic misanthrope but now that I have noone to cry to I'm starting to realize that I have a heart.I'm starting to feel bad for all the people I've hurt in my life.I've lost my 'fuck everyone' outlook on life.I'm becoming human.

terrib · 09-03-2008, 09:08 AM

so glad to here that, tucan.....I have been thinking of you and praying for you and always will....

Foxee · 09-03-2008, 09:15 AM

Sounds very human and very good. You have my support from here. I look forward to more updates and hope for the very best for you.

virginia · 09-04-2008, 09:06 PM

Oh, Tucan, I don't believe it - I so nearly PMed you again, last week. Because, as a fellow-cripple (MS for those who don't know) and also being housebound (I'm glad you're not), I too, was going mad with boredom and feeling a little bit nervy and lacking in confidence (that's why I didn't write!). It is b***** hard, no doubt about it...

However, you're doing better, and I'm really glad about that. I could be envious about the improvement in your legs (I have to accept mine - with progressive MS - will only get worse) but, of course, I'm not. I'm thrilled for you. You've got so much more to do battle with, with your addictions...

I think I told you about my own addiction (many years ago, to prescribed sleeping pills) and how when I gave them - and a lot of other bad stuff - up, what finally turned everything around was (you have a comrade, Foxee!) the Church. One of the consolations, it seems to me, of suffering in isolation, is being able to develop your spiritual side. I think Foxee's remarks were, not only caring, but wisely constructive.

And you do sound as though you're thinking very clearly now, Tucan. And positively - it's great. You might even - dare I say this? - be moving towards a kind-of forgiveness. Maybe.

Anyway, thinking of you, my friend. And rooting for you, every, painful, step of the way.

Love, Virginia

P.S. Sorry if the writing's not good - got a bad eye tonight!

simplicity · 09-04-2008, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tucanbundy

I'm becoming human.

It isn't so bad once you get used to it. ; )

I've read your posts before and didn't comment. I feel the need to comment on this one, because I am proud of you. I think you're moving in the right direction. Best of luck to you on your long 'walk' forward. : )

I'd say you have plenty of people here, rooting for you.

Zensati · 09-04-2008, 10:17 PM

Go for it dude! You are an inspiration.

tucanbundy · 09-05-2008, 03:16 AM

Wow, I've never been called an inspiration before.Thank you so much, that's really touching.Thank you all for your comments and your support.I don't know how to respond to comments like that but I'm honestly moved.

I'd say I am thinking clearer now that I'm more motivated.A few months ago I really didn't give a shit if I lived or died.In fact, I tried several times to kill myself.Now I'm going to walk again and I'm going to live a long time.

I appreciate the spiritual stuff, but it's really not for me.I know alot of people devoutly believe in religion and that it helps them, but it's not for me.When I was in the hospital their were a lot of Christian nurses and stuff and I had to deal with it every day.I handled some of those situations fairly badly.I do appreciate the prayers.Weird for an atheist, I know, but praying for me indicates that someone cares about me.Thank you.

When I was in the hospital I was visited at random by some healing evangelists.Those people are fucking lunatics.How come if they hit me they're helping me but if I hit them I get put under 24 hour surveilance?It's bullshit.

I think I have some severe emotional issues.I've mentioned it in other threads but I really think I need to see a psychologist.I'm thinking better now but I still have some skeletons in my closet I need to get rid of.

I'm still really young but I feel like I've been through enough shit so far to last a lifetime.With positive thinking and effort as my driving force, I think things will probably start looking up for me soon.They already are.

ash somers · 09-05-2008, 04:57 AM

tucanbundy · 09-17-2008, 01:51 AM

A few new minor updates on my life:

I talked to my doc and he's organizing a physical therapist and a psychologist for me to see.I'm also going to be seeing a counsellor to help with my drug problem.

I have an old ex-girlfriend's name tattooed on my chest and I'm thinking of having it removed.That was a really bad idea.I've never had a tattoo removed before.How will that feel?

After a conversation I had with a friend from San Francisco, I'm going to try to patch things up with my parents.I seriously hate them, but I don't want to spend my life with anger and hatred as the only emotion between us.

I think I mentioned before that my younger sister (to long time readers, the one that's still alive) had her second kid not too long ago.I called her the other day and she's coming to visit me next week, so I'll get to meet the kid.

I'm teaching myself how to sew.Why?Boredom.

I started playing video games again for the first time since like 2006.This has nothing to do with anything.

I've been helping some of my friends with their problems lately.It's part of this whole cosmic "I'm a human" epiphany I had.The old asshole me is now dead and I'm accepting that by embracing this new slightly less assholish me.

So I'm slowly curing my boredom, helping others, and now pursuing professional help to deal with my problems.I'm also writing again.I might post some of my stuff on here if I think it's good.My life is getting back on track.

Zensati · 09-17-2008, 02:07 AM

Good stuff.. I would like to see more of your writing..

tucanbundy · 09-26-2008, 06:38 AM

New update.

On Wednesday my sister and her kid came to see me.I hadn't told her anything, so she was shocked to see me in a wheelchair.I hadn't seen her in a while, and because of her immediate reaction I ended up telling her everything that happened over the last year.She was a little disappointed over my drug problem (it didn't help that I had some sores in my mouth from the previous night) and cried a little bit.I did, too, but it felt great opening up to her.We had a nice long conversation and really caught up.She, like many of you, was pleased with my new more positive attitude and dedication to decripplificating.I felt so close to her and I felt kinda bad that we had only seen eachother under fairly shitty circumstances in the past year or so.We decided to stay in contact and see eachother more often.As far as immediate family goes, she's really all I got right now.My brothers are teenagers and my parents hate me, so there's no help there.I'm still gonna try to patch things up with them, too, but one family member at a time.

I've never been a big fan of children, but my nephew was cute.He didn't say much, but at less than a year old I can't really expect much from him.Like the big softy I recently discovered I am, I said I was going to make him stuffed animals if this sewing thing works out.My sister thought that I was trying to be cute.

Here's a nice little cheesy fact for you, my sister was the first person to say "I love you" to me in a long time.