Shawn

Newly minted teens never get it. I'm not that old, but I'm old enough to realize that I've changed, and that my current state of mind is only temporal. I'll speak truthfully and honestly about my character. I'm quite happy I've reached my birthday, because only a couple of years ago, I wished to not make it to eighteen. But this is a threshold of new optimism.

You see, two years ago, I was engaged in a relationship that, like all teenage romances, was blind and idiotic. I loved and felt loved... for the time being. Then a certain... infidelity... came to my attention and that ended. But, no worries, I had excellent friends, and I went on to the next boyfriend and there I felt a depth of emotion that I didn't think I was capable of. Every step of every moment was nervous, and ever end of step was relief. It built like the slow climb of a mountain and I thought for sure it was love. Then that love died, literally, and I ended up in the state I described previously. And I came millimeters away from attempting suicide. Not bad, considering there are a lot of teens that actually go through with it. But I realize, now, that sense of loss was misplaced; because that was only the beginning of my life and I had not yet experienced a complete love. I still haven't. But I was so close to ending it. So close that I can't even explain how if I had hesitated just a moment later I would be dead. So, in some shape or form, I've gained a bit of sensibility; and I haven't let anything persuade me that there weren't better things ahead for me; even if that sensibility may change. And it's almost liberating to recognize that every thought that comes into your head is potentially wrong and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

So it pains me when I see my friends make the same misjudgments. And this is where it comes to the "altruistic cruelty" part.

I have a friend who is a few years younger than me. She is... I guess the right term would be "whasian"... one of those people who think they actually understand Japanese culture and won't be convinced otherwise. She also wears a collar with spikes on it, and that's what this entire post sort of centers around.

I've been cruel to be kind. I've informed her, quite bluntly, that she should get rid of the collar because she won't be wearing it in five years anyway. And why should she sacrifice job opportunities just because she's unwilling to change? I told her that it would be best if she stopped changing her hair color every two seconds and to actually settle into a look that is comfortable for her... and her fellow members of society. I tell her that it's her personality that counts, not the way she looks. And if looking attractive gets you places, why should a bit of change matter?

Quite stubbornly she insisted that she'd always have the collar and that she'd never change. I tried to point out how often I changed, and not because I chose to. I also pointed out that I partied and that I could do things that were fun; but I told her that I always respected the bounds of politeness when interacting in some formal fashion. To give an example of how reluctant she is to dress normally: she went to a job "interview" wearing fishnet and that damned collar.

But then I think to myself: I've been wrong before, what makes me right now?

So my question to the reader is: am I doing the right thing? Or am I once again being a snotty know-it-all who was wrong before and is wrong again?

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The most frightening part of leaving a parent's home, to me, is not knowing where one's own home is.

Damien.

While it is personality that counts, I like my green bits of hair, and at my age, I don't like being called a child. However, I do keep my style sedated when necessary, and don't let it interfere with work. Let her go through her stage.

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HippoHead

Tell her that dogs are supposed to wear collars, not humans. I can only picture her as a rottweiler.

lilacstarflower

I don't think you're wrong in giving your friend some advice. She sounds a little immature to be able to appreciate it right now though. I guess she has to make her own decisions and learn from mistakes. Maybe in the near future she will realize that she will have to 'blend in' to progress in a career.

It used to make me laugh when one of my friends spouted off about how he would never be forced to live his life according to bureaucracy and he was a free spirit - he never quite got the fact that he was conditioned by money to get his ass out of bed every morning and behave in accordance with specific rules between the hours of 9am and 5pm.

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lin

Good one. Another great band name, too.

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Shawn

I suppose I should just let it be, but it does bother me, some of the things she says.

It's just utterly foreign to me for somebody to think that they'll never change and adamantly refuse to accept the fact that they will when someone tells them otherwise.

I'm really not going to adopt. Heh.

It took me a while to come up with it. So I just might start a one piece band: me playing a rubber band around a tissue box.

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The most frightening part of leaving a parent's home, to me, is not knowing where one's own home is.

Tiamat10

The problem is that when you tell people they're going to be different in the future (and when you tell them they should cut an aspect of how they are now), they tend to take it as a personal attack. Especially with things like dog collars and hair dye, which people use to assert their individuality anyways.

You seem to have had good intentions, but I think that the lesson you tried to teach her is really something a person can only learn from drawing on their own experiences and forming their own conclusions.

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ash somers

she needs to arrive at the point of maturity
that perhaps you have reached? ... of her own volition
it is all too easy to be the one who knows best, so my answer is
you are neither right, nor wrong, just a bit too keen to fix those around you
let it go, the more you try, the more an immature person will dig in their heels *smile*

Kast13

Dude, don't do that. There is nothing worse than the friend who tells you to 'grow up'. Seriously you're just going to come off like an asshole, even with the best intentions in mind. You told her once, now let it be. She'll either get it or she won't.

For instance you brought up relationships, and I'll tell you about one of mine. My first long-term relationship was with a girl in high school. It started off quite well but by the end of it it was like looking at chapters out of a Freud book, not that anyone fucked their moms and killed their dads, but all sorts of mind games and daddy complexes and shit. Anyways at the time I stuck with it, 'I thought this is what a relationship is, I have to deal with it'. I mean, it was calls in tears while I'm out with my friends, cheating, lying, etc. Basically it was fucked. My friends would tell me it was bad for me and I shouldn't be in the relationship, but since I was too young and immature to understand I basically told them to fuck off. They looked like assholes to me because I loved this girl. I learned, the hard way. So it goes...

Shawn

Yes, but you see, I'm looking out for her well-being. If she wants to get a job, she's going to have to change. That's just a fact.

I may come off as an asshole to her, but it's just fine with everyone else. And that's not really my priority anyway.

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The most frightening part of leaving a parent's home, to me, is not knowing where one's own home is.

Olly Buckle

There are no absolutes, it depends on the job and the employer, some places it might even pay to look like that. Tell her you like her for who she is, not what she looks like, and you won't give up on her whether she changes or not (provided it's true), that way you give her the option, no pressure.
PS I wrote something once that started "I'm not benevolent, cruel to be kind, I'm evil and malicious, bending your mind"

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Unity will conquer, true love. The Fabulous Prince Buster

Read me at.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/join.html?refer=323686

Kast13

Yea, but she'll figure it out man. A couple rejections later she'll get the point.

Shawn

I wouldn't count on it. In terms of skull hollowness, she's at about the same level as a rock.

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The most frightening part of leaving a parent's home, to me, is not knowing where one's own home is.

Olly Buckle

Then she is going to get a job where it doesn't matter anyway, no-one cares what the washer-up out the back looks like.

__________________
Unity will conquer, true love. The Fabulous Prince Buster

Read me at.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/join.html?refer=323686

Cipher2

If she changes she might get a job..that she hates. Although she may have to do that as a lot of people do. There are some(few) areas of work that are more liberal. But yeah its a bit bloody rich wearing that to an interview(unless its in a rock club) though I personally wouldn't have minded (I like fishnets though not dog collars). Maybe she cannot express her individually in the right setting, I mean there's a time and a place. But she shouldnt go to far the other way and get a really conservative job she hates.

I've always gone to alt rock clubs although I dont dress like a metaller. There are a few people who over do it and deliberately wear stupidly over the top clothes and wonder why they get comments (they secretly like it; like how much can I get peoples' attention by being an outcast), but most are laid back enough.