tucanbundy

As some of you know, I'm crippled, bla bla bla, read my older threads.If you clicked on this, I assume you've been following my threads anyway.

Today I woke up in a state of extreme depression.Not like usual where I'm like "oh, fuck, I'm up," but in full-on depression.

As I do whenever I feel extremely depressed, I thought about suicide.I thought about what ways I could find to kill myself because I felt useless and didn't see any point in living anymore.

After failing to think of a way to kill myself, I sat in my bed sobbing for a few hours.Eventually it dawned on me.I'm going to spend the rest of my life in this chair.

Further heartwarming thoughts added to this a little.I'm going to die in this chair, unless I do something about it.

I'm not going to spend the rest of my life like this.I refuse to.I may be a bad person, but after everything I've been through in my pathetic excuse for a life I don't deserve to spend years and years trapped in a chair.I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

So today I attempted to stand by pushing myself up between a table and a wall.I let go and for a split second stood on my own feet before collapsing to the ground and hurting my ass.

At this point, because I'm a big pussy, I started crying tears of joy.I stood by myself for a split second less than a year after being told I'd never walk again.This was the single happiest I've been in the last year.

So I decided "fuck this, I'm walking again!"

So I established the following plan:
1. I swim around in shallow water an hour every day for a few months to build up my leg muscles.
2. I buy a walker and practice walking with a walker for a few months.
3. If that works, after a while I might be able to use crutches.
4. A few months of crutches and I may be able to use a cane.
5. A few months of using a cane and I may be able to walk again.

It's a long shot, but the way I see it it's my only option.Noone's going to do this for me.If I don't try to get myself walking again, I never will.

I'm pretty sure I'll never be 100% again, but fuck it.I'm not spending the rest of my life like this.

Criswell predicts that if my plan works I could be walking by my 25th birthday.I know this won't be instant and it won't be easy, but it's going to be my driving force for the next few years.

I've read some of my posts on here and I'd like to apologize.I realize that in a lot, if not all, of my posts I come off as a complete idiot.I'm sorry about that, but as I've said repeatedly I'm not a good writer.That's one of the reasons I've never posted a single word of my writing on here (excluding that Abuse story and some parody songs, those were complete horse shit).I've been under a lot of stress lately and I never sleep.I know that's not an excuse for the complete and utter douchebaggery I've been releasing upon the unsuspecting drones of the interweb.Besides, with my bizarre mixture of serious posts and weird (and often blue) humor, I imagine it's quite hard to take me seriously.Again, I'm sorry.

So, to those of you who have been pretending to care about my life, you'll pretend to be happy to know that I'm going to do something about it.Nobody wants to be a gimp their whole life, or at least this kind of gimp.

So there, for the first time in my life I've said or done something productive.I've proven my parents and nearly every teacher I've ever had wrong, I am useful.Now I'm going to have to work my ass off and prove it to myself.

Thank you, as always.

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Malone

That's awesome. Is Criswell your doc or some kind of med institution? What did the doctors say? How exactly did the nerve damage happen? I know it was related to using dope, but did you pass out and stop breathing or something? I wasn't aware opiates could affect the nervous system so extremely by themselves for those kind of long term effects you have.
Good luck. The high you get from working out doesn't equal the big H, but it can be rewarding, and it definitely has better side effects.

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Zensati

Yeah! You can do it! I love mission impossibles!

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Mike C

To be corny, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Go for it. Prove every other fucker out there wrong. Keep us posted.

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ash somers

cool, sounds like a plan, i'm pretending to be pleased

Mermaid on the breakwater

Once you have your heart and mind set on something, there's nothing anybody can say or do to stop you. The path's a long one and most turn off before the halfway point. Remind yourself every morning when you wake up of what it really feels like to be totally and utterly depressed and use it to drag yourself out of the mire.

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alanmt

I think you have these two sentences mixed up. Isn't the proper order: 1. insult other people; and then 2. apologize?

I can't remember if I was pretending to care about you. Remind me again whether you are goodlooking. It might jog my memory.

Seriously,though, tuc, good luck and may you work hard and reach your goal! And may you find the strength to build a new life for yourself with whatever physical limitations you have.

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smilinghelps

Yeah you!

This is the most positive thing I've ever seen you write! Good for you! I wish I could be there in the pool, cheering you along. You CAN do it! You've got your mind in the right place--just keep it going.

And keep a journal of your experience. It'll be a rough road but all us 'posers' will be here to help you along (kidding! we're not posing) Personally, I don't see the point in posting a fake encouraging response, and I doubt anyone else will either.

Get in that pool--why are you one here reading?

Can you go to PT to get additional support?

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JosephB

Great! Good luck, man.

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Loulou

I admire you. I'm not one of those people who pretends to like you, cos frankly your attitude stinks, but fuck, I do admire your courage. You wanna walk, you'll walk.

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virginia

I'm really pleased to hear this tb. Bloody-minded and determined just lke me (MS)!

It might not make you very popular but, then again, where are those who criticise you when you're alone and crying in the morning?

Go for it, tb - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Virginia

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You have the whole forum voting for you man. Good luck. We all want to see this happen.

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