Tom

Yes, another depressing update from yours truly.

I just feel like it’s easier to say all this to you guys, than to say it to anybody else. It’s not that you understand me it’s just that I get more opinions and you won’t hold it against me really. Anyway…

This past week has been utter shit. It pretty much summed up the whole school year, and even though it began well I sort of got to look in the mirror and see what has actually become of me in the past year. It’s probably shit like paranoia and pity, but I don’t care, because it’s true.

I’m lonely. I can count my friends with my fingers (not toes!) and most nights and weekends I end up sitting alone at the computer, staring blankly at it and reading how good everyone’s weekend has been and what there up to. And I know, most of you are going to be like, get off your sorry butt and go out with your mates, and yeah, maybe I could. But they hang around with people who take a look at me and have already made a decision about who I am. I’m shy around new people, and it takes me ages to even hint my personality, and by then they’re gone and thinking ‘what a weird ass mofo’. Believe me, I’ve tried. I am too weird for people.

I pity myself too much. I have all these bad feelings and have the urge to share, which if probably why I’m writing this, even though I have suspicions that people from my school no I’m on here. Maybe If it didn’t feel so bad; I wouldnt make a fool out of myself when people find my god damn soppy lyrics and writings. It fucking sucks.

And this week, it all sort off revealed itself again when I realised that what-ever I do, I always fuck up. I made a blog, it went well for a month, then people at school found it and fucking spammed it so bad with abusive messages that it got taken off. It just shows how people don’t give a shit.

And now, this summer, I have it all planned so that when I get back in September I’ll be a new person, a likeable person. I’ve always tried to think that I don’t care about what other people say, but in my opinion, you can’t. You will always care what someone thinks. I’m taking away all the fun of my summer so I can lose weight and mature myself, try and fix some of the problems I’ve caused. Because I’m pretty large, immediately people seem to judge, or I think they do. It could just be me being paranoid, but sometimes…sometimes you see it.

Anyway, I’ve imagined myself up a depressing final week of school. I have friends, real friends, and they’re cool, they’re fine, but they have their own people to go out with. I have no dress sense, and well, clothes are getting rarer in my cupboards so I end up wearing the same things going out, making me seem like some god damn tramp.

I’m sorry to write so much; I just needed to put it somewhere. Needed to let it out you know. I’m not really expecting any replies, maybe just a listening ear to see whether I’m being a dick or doing what any other person would do. Excuse me for the language, and thanks for reading.

Tom.

__________________

Sam Winchester

Tom, you are not being a dick, nor even close to it. Man, you're me when I was 14. That shy, insecure boy that everyone makes fun of. I can relate to you one-hundred percent.

I'll say this: It gets better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it does. Besides, do you really want friends who think so little of you as to talk behind your back, or spam your blog with shit comments? Those aren't friends. You're a better person than any of them. You're a kid with your feet on the ground. Don't be someone you're not just to impress people who don't care about you.

I was lonely at your age too. I had one friend. A big kid from Holland who no one else wanted to be friends with. But I didn't care what they thought. I found out that he was a really good guy, and I stayed friends with him the entire way through high-school.

I never went out at the weekends either. Most of the time my parents didn't let me. On those times they did, I didn't make friends, nor girlfriends for that matter either. Everywhere I went, kids from my school were there. Shit happened. Things I still hate to this day.

But then high-school ended, and I haven't seen most of those fuck-heads from then until now. I probably will never see them again. So I ask you this: why worry about them? You probably won't see them again after high-school either. They aren't worth worrying about.

But it gets better. I have friends now who aren't dickwads. I've got a good girlfriend. You will have these things too. I guarantee it. For now, just be satisfied with who you are and don't change. Change is never good. Besides, they'd probably see through it and make fun of you for it anyway.

Good luck, Tom. I'm really pulling for you. I mean that.

__________________

Don't unlock doors you're not prepared to go through.

Tiamat10

I feel for you, Tom. I really do.

Through most of high school, and well, actually even now to a lesser extent, I was a really shy, introverted person with only two close friends. I was lonely (but I tried to convince myself that I wasn't), I was miserable, and I didn't really like myself all that much.

Things really do get better though. I'm not sure I agree with Sam that you shouldn't try to change or that change is never a good thing, but I don't want to turn this into a debate. I will say that I don't think it would hurt if you tried to work on your self-confidence a little bit or your social skills, but when you're in high school with a bunch of jerks that are only trying to make themselves feel better by messing with you, it's tough.

Isn't there some kind of activity you can do in a neighbor town where your classmates won't show their ugly faces? Maybe you can take up a new hobby to get you out of the house? I'm just throwing out suggestions here.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope things get better soon. They will in time, but the sooner the better, eh?

__________________

terrib

They are right Tom even though it seems like a long way off. Set a goal, stick to it and study hard. I promise it will all work out for you, sweetie.

Kast13

When times got rough for me I started boxing. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I became stronger, fitter, faster and best of all my confidence was through the roof. I turned my anger away from myself and used it as fuel for the fire. You could give that a shot. And believe me I was not an athletic person when I got there, anyone can do it if they put in the hard work, for me it was literally a rebirth through blood,sweat and tears.

JosephB

Tom, you're an insightful kid. You write well also. It's trite to say, but this to shall pass. I was amazed when I went to my 5 year high school reunion. I'd love to say all the cheerleaders and bitchy hot girls were fat and ugly. No, they all still looked pretty good. And the more popular kids were still outgoing and most were on the road to what they consider success.

I noticed the change most in the introverted folks. It was obvious that they'd found some level of confidence. It's just different after high school. People aren't as hung up on the superficial. If you have the opportunity to go to college, you will likely find your niche and a group of like-minded people you can hang out with.

Your level of self-awareness is amazing, and indicates you've got what it takes to make it through these tough times. One of the things you might consider is doing some volunteer work. It will help you feel better about yourself and get you out of the house. You will likely meet some good people also. The girl next door to us is 16 and she helps out at the ESL class in our community.

Good luck!

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

Malone

How big are you? What do you do that's so weird?

__________________
There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed

Tom

Thanks guy, I understand what your saying, but I'm doing this for myself really. Being the person I am, the kid who wants to be everyone's friend but failed, it's difficult.

And Malone, I'm not big big, maybe a little chubby, it's just compared to a good percentage of the people that I know and hang around with, I'm larger.

And being wierd? Sometimes I do wierd stuff and say wierd things, because I've grown up doing so. I try and keep quiet but it always slip up. And the things I always regret, like singing etc. I go to an all boys school you see, so its much tougher than most schools, being it rugby based and everyone is against everyone. I'm too...caught up on writing etc. Too different.

Thanks again guys Sorry to bother you with it all. Glad you took the time to help.

__________________

virginia

Tom, I always “enjoy” your posts because, as JosephB remarks, you are a good writer and you’re real. That is, you’re alive and honest about it, not trying to mask any unsavoury aspect but rather, examining it (see the quote from Socrates below in signature). That’s a good thing, because from there we can make improvements and grow as individuals and societies.

Those others at your school, well, they are just lesser mortals, Tom. Let’s face it when some people don’t like you, that’s a compliment. After all, if they did, it would mean you were like them and that would be bad wouldn’t it?! (Good grief, it sounds as if they know that already and are jealous. Why else would they wreck your blog?)

No, you’re doing the right things, we’re all rooting for you here and most of us are grown-ups! I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

What I would warn against though, is getting too introverted. That can lead to self-absorption, neurosis and depression (been there!). Again, I agree with JosephB when he suggests voluntary work because, as Mahatma Gandhi said: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” And I know that to be true.

Anyway, Tom, take care. You’re going to be more than all right – especially if you keep writing (two ideas for new blogs: 1) if you’re with Blogger you have to ‘moderate’ and ‘allow’ comments before they’re published – that would stop nasties! 2) you could start another blog from the same account but this time remain anonymous).

Virginia

__________________
www.travelswithlucy.blogspot.com
www.commentcolumn.blogspot.com
www.ms-myscene.blogspot.com

"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates (from Plato's Apology).

Tom

Thanks alot Virginia, your reply made me smile and chuckle in parts

I've heard it before though, how they're jealous but I just can't see what they have to be jealous about. Is is because I dont care? I dont know.

And your ideas are helpful, and I'm going to take the second option as it seems the best type.

__________________

Malone

Why do you go to an all boys school? Is that normal in England?

__________________
There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed

Tom

Many one gender schools are scattered over here yeah, well in my region there sure is.
In my region they tend to produce the better results, especially all girl schools. Less stuff to get distracted by I'm guessing.

__________________

Malone

So are you a billionaire? Richard Branson's kid? In the movies the all boys' schools are always the mega rich kids' schools.

So you don't like Rugby? That's always a good way to make lots of friends you otherwise wouldn't.

You need to learn to control the weird stuff to a certain extent. Figure out how people want you to act then act like that. Pretend you're not as smart as you really are. Just make sure you're the good, kinda cool weird.

__________________
There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed

JosephB

Good idea. If I said what I thought, I'd be in a mental institution. I really should be in one, by the way.

__________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-- Albert Einstein

"I am really only interested in a fiction of miracles."
-- Flannery O'Connor

HippoHead

There are 2 types of weird:

1 - weird as in, 'what a freak' (primal retardation)

2 - the funny weird (your random comments and silly behaviour actually come across as funny)

channel your weirdness into the second option! That's where I am! Trusttt it works. Everyone likes a funny guy.