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alanmt · 07-14-2008, 08:18 AM

Two years and two months ago, in May of 2006, I was very angry at my father. He loved me, but because I was married to a guy, things were difficult between us. My husband was not allowed at his house. He would never come to our house.

I was at the grocery store shopping one evening and saw a friend with his dad, shopping for a barbecue. I felt suddenly deeply resentful, and I wasn't sure why. I realized that it was because my friend's dad lived back east, but made at least four trips a year to Montana to spend time with his son and his family. My father lived 90 miles away, and had been to my house exactly twice in 20 years. Sure he loved me. He was always glad to see me. But god damn it if he would go one step out of his way to see me. He wouldn't even let me know when he was in town for the horse races. And now that I had a husband, there were rules on how and when I could see him. I was furious.

Almost exactly two years ago, in July of 2006, my father was in the hospital. He had gone into the hospital in his small city for a knee surgery and although the surgery itself went well, nothing seemed to go right after that. After a month of hospitalization and abortive nursing home stays, his kidneys began to fail, and he was tranported by ambulance to my city, which is larger and has a better hospital. The protective boots had been on too tight and the poor circulation caused by his diabetes resulting in his feet turning black, with huge open sores. He was not often conscious, and when he was, he was confused, mixed up. I forgot my resentment and stayed by his bed until my sisters got here, and then we took turns.

One of the specialists called in was a heart and lung doctor. I know him - he is my asthma doctor, and has been giving me my annual breathing tests and check-ups for ten years. After he did his work, he came and gave me and my sisters "the talk", to prepare us for my father's death. Dad had so many problems. It was probably time for us to begin the emotional adjustment for what was to come.

There was a procedure which could help with one of his more serious problems, but it was too risky to perform, the doctor said. Even in my grief, this struck me as ironic. If he didn't attempt the procedure, the condition would almost certainly kill my father. "We are afraid to save him from dying, because there is a chance he might die from our efforts to save him." I ordered the procedure conducted.

It was a long haul, but dad recovered. He lost a chunk of one foot and had to have the other leg amputated below the knee (ironically, that was the leg he had surgery on for a knee replacement). He spent months in a nursing home, and then transitioned to homecare.

Friday, he called and asked me to join him at the horseraces on Saturday. So I did. He had a good day; his best ever as an owner. He entered three of his thoroughbreds, and his horses won all three races. Walking is still a bit of a chore for him, but he gets around pretty good on his prosthetic leg. Stairs are difficult though, as is the uneven ground, so I helped him walk down the stairs after each race, and across the dirt and the sawdust to the winner's circle, for his photo with his horse. I have never seen him so happy, so alive.

My father is 73. He still works full time. He's thin for the first time in 50 years, and his diabetes is under control. He's not going to live forever. None of us are. But he's going to be here a while longer.

And me? As you know, I finally got my barbecue, a few weeks ago. With my dad and my husband. Sure, it was at his house. But I didn't care. If he can put aside a lifetime of prejudice to make me happy, I figure I can drive 90 miles.

Jocelyn · 07-14-2008, 08:34 AM

Alan,
This is a wonderful story. I hate that it always seems to take a life-threatening wake-up call before some people will realize what is truly important in life. But the important thing is that he IS awake now, and you can enjoy spending time with your dad as much as he can enjoy having a terrific son in his life. I'm so happy that things are turning around.

Kast13 · 07-14-2008, 09:59 AM

Thats great Alan, I bet that was one of the best BBQ's of your life!

valeca · 07-14-2008, 10:41 AM

That's great, Alan. Here's hoping the three of you see many more BBQ's together in the future!

cowpops · 07-14-2008, 10:56 AM

This is great, Alan. I'm really glad to hear your peace. <3

07-14-2008, 11:11 AM

I'm glad for you and your father, Alan. So evolved of you not to let pride and past misdemeanours get in the way.

terrib · 07-14-2008, 11:18 AM

wonderful story Alan....

Nicco · 07-14-2008, 11:51 AM

That's wonderful, Alan. I'm so happy for you both!

seigfried007 · 07-14-2008, 12:40 PM

Every time you talk about your dad, I want to start crying. Me and my stupid hormones, you and your gift for writing the truly touching

Nicco · 07-14-2008, 01:15 PM

btw Alan, does your dad take the vitamin CQ10? My grandfather is also diabetic, and swears it has helped him with his kidneys.

alanmt · 07-14-2008, 02:28 PM

Thank you all! I know i have written about this before, but I woke up early and just felt like typing about it. Seig, I made myself cry!

I don't know for sure nic about the CQ10, but it sounds familiar, so it may be one of the many things he does take. I'll have to ask him.

Nicco · 07-14-2008, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alanmt

Seig, I made myself cry!

I wish I could climb through my monitor to hug you. <3

By the way you describe him, your father sounds like the type of person who just doesn't know how to reach out without being guided through it. My stepfather is sort of similar. His two eldest children lived with their biological mom, and if my own mother, their stepmother, had not urged him to maintain contact with them over the years--reminding him to invite them to family parties, to call them, to see them regularly, etc. he wouldn't have done these things on his own. Simple but thoughtful actions that come so naturally for some people just don't occur to others...no matter how much they love you.

Since your father is starting to accept your marriage, and treating your husband with respect, it sounds like it's time for you to take some steps to welcome him into your life (if you haven't started to already), rather than waiting for his next call. Invite him to do things you will mutually enjoy. If and when he says no, so what? You made the attempt out of love, and there is nothing wrong with that!

Intel · 07-15-2008, 05:44 AM

Good story Alan. Now I realise why pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and applaud you for gunning it down with your gas operated semi automatic desert eagle pistol.

blackthorn · 07-15-2008, 08:39 PM

Wow man, that's great! I'm happy for you