Mylar and The White Queen -- Fantasy Parody - Writers Forum

JosephB · 06-30-2008, 11:30 AM

I wrote this a while back. It's a parody of the type of fantasy story that you used to see quiet a lot of here on the forum. Not so much any more.

Mylar and The White Queen

Mylar sat by the roaring fire. He had worked hard that day, and felt he deserved a stout tankard of mead. He took off his boots, which were covered in mud and placed them by the hot fire. They were caked with mud, from him having worked so hard in the fields that day.

Mylar was a jolly sort, and as cunning as ever a Peopelve there was. It was said that humans, in a time of great suffering and famine had somehow crossed of the River Zorn, a mystical a river that was not only of water, but of time itself. On their journey, the humans came across the Druze, in the Wood of Isonon. Druze were elves, and as such, were most kind and provided the humans with much needed sustenance. In time, the two became one. Poepelves possessed the kindness of elves and the cunning of humans. They had the pointed ears of elves, but the long legs of a human, so they could hear exceedingly well, but were also fleet of foot. But they also had much difficulty finding those pointed elf shoes that were large enough.

Just as he was sipping his first sip of mead, he heard the unmistakable, hollow clump of hooves.

“Be damned!” he said to himself. “Who could it be at this time?”

He heard pounding on the door.

“Mylar it is Bozem and Ken, we carry news from the town!”

“It had better be important!” Mylar said, with a scowl.

Mylar opened the heavy wooden door of his hut. He could see that they had a look of worry on there faces.

“Henni, the scout, came with news that the Dwarves if Enbar are amassing a mighty army and they mean to attack us!”

“Why?” asked Mylar, with an inquisitive look. We have always lived peacefully side-by-side with the Dwarves if Enbar.”

“Their crops have failed, three years now. They are pretty hungry!”

Mylar thought of the humans of so long ago. The Poepelves would provide food to the Dwarves if they had only asked. He sensed something or someone was behind this treachery.

“Xanax!” Mylar blurted. "Only he could put the Dwarves up to such a thing.”

“Do you think?” they asked.

“You betcha.” said Mylar.

“The town council, sent us here,” Henni said. "Because only you among have fought such a battle!"

“Aye,” said Mylar. “But ’twas long ago. My fighting skills have long since gone away.”

He scratched his beard, as many men among the Poepelves had them.

“I fear I have no choice Mylar,” said. “But there is only one way we can win. And that, my friends is to call upon the aid of….”

Mylar paused dramatically. He tapped his boot, which he had put back on and ruminated.

“The White Queen!” he exclaimed, loudly.

“The White Queen?” Bozem and Ken both said, at the same time.

“Yes, but I will need two good strong and wise Peopelves to take on my journey to see The White Queen.”

“We are way ahead of you, Mylar,” Ken said. “Jozell and Nonny have said they would go with you on your journey!”

Mylar was relieved. Jozell was the strongest among the Peopelves and very smart indeed. He was as sharp as a stick that had been carved by a sharp knife to a point. Nonny was nearly as strong, but not as smart. He was as also as sharp as a stick like Jozell, but more as if the stick had been used for something, and was no longer as sharp as it once had been.

“I’ll need three good horses,” said Mylar. And tell Vim the blacksmith I’ll need a new sword, as I have put my old one somewhere and can’t find it.”

He smiled knowingly. For as much as he abhorred war, he also liked it, in a way. The thought of wielding a sword again, riding a strong horse and spending the night with Jozell and Nonny suddenly appealed to him.

“Yes,” he said, while swinging imaginary sword. “Man, I’m up for this.”

Bozem and Ken nodded solemnly, for they knew the danger that probably lay ahead, more than likely. They stood facing one another. All held their fists in the air and exclaimed, “Power to the Poepelves!"

"Right on!" Mylar said. Then he nodded and turned away.

“I have to pack my suitcase now, friends. Go give word of my quest to the townsfolk!”

“Use the suitcase with the wheels on it, Mylar, for it is a long journey!”

"Aye, a long journey indeed," Mylar said. "A long journey indeed," he said again, as he repeated himself.

Cinaedus · 06-30-2008, 07:18 PM

JosephB - I have lurked here for a while and never felt like posting, but this was wonderful. After having a crappy day this provided a great laugh.

JosephB · 06-30-2008, 09:09 PM

Thanks, Cinaedus. Glad you enjoyed it. I had fun writing it.

alanmt · 06-30-2008, 10:33 PM

hahahahahahaha!!!!!!

oh, Joseph!

I think that you have inspired me to write more fantasy and post it here!

Quote:

He was as also as sharp as a stick like Jozell, but more as if the stick had been used for something, and was no longer as sharp as it once had been.

hahahahaha

JosephB · 07-01-2008, 10:36 AM

Thanks, Alan. And this is a purely gratuitous bump.

Bump!!!

Hawke · 07-01-2008, 10:58 AM

Laughed

my

ass

off!

(I wish that was literally true... but anyway...)

Fav part (aside from the wheeled suitcase that is, among many others):

Mylar was relieved. Jozell was the strongest among the Peopelves and very smart indeed. He was as sharp as a stick that had been carved by a sharp knife to a point. Nonny was nearly as strong, but not as smart. He was as also as sharp as a stick like Jozell, but more as if the stick had been used for something, and was no longer as sharp as it once had been.

Fun, funny stuff, this. Thank you for the giggles.

So... there's more, right?

JosephB · 07-02-2008, 05:48 AM

Thanks Hawke. Nope, no more. Sorry!

smilinghelps · 07-02-2008, 12:41 PM

ROFLMAO!! (I wish it would really happen too, Hawke)

Quote:

But they also had much difficulty finding those pointed elf shoes that were large enough.

HIL

Quote:

“Xanax!” Mylar blurted. "Only he could put the Dwarves up to such a thing.”

“Do you think?” they asked.

“You betcha.” said Mylar.

AR

Quote:

“I’ll need three good horses,” said Mylar. And tell Vim the blacksmith I’ll need a new sword, as I have put my old one somewhere and can’t find it.”

IOUS
This is great! I can see it now on Saturday morning cartoons with Will Ferrell as the voice of Mylar!

He already knows how to walk in elf shoes.