Gwynned - Writers Forum

Baldric · 05-10-2008, 03:33 PM

Something I wrote will lying sick in bed , I only got the Prologue though. The rest was lost during the "Revenge of the Cleaning Lady"

Hope you enjoy it , I might rewrite it , i've given enough comments.

Part 1

January 8th 2003 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Dear Journal , I have grown old and weak , and while I lay here , I can not stop to think of the time , the time when I was young and strong , when men didn't fought from behind a computer but took up sword and fought for there lives. The time that I , Gwynned recieved Guyenne , that I Gwynned saved Mershwood , that I Gwynned fought against Kril , Wehrwolf of the Welsh.

__________________________________________________ ________________

May 5th 1253 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Through the dense fog , I could barely see the spark of light , my spark of hope , slithly coming closer , and then yet as if the torch in my hand felt a companion , it began to lit as like never before , yet the shadows created in its light frightend me.

Here , I thought by myself , I stand waiting for the Charon of my life , waiting for the boat that will either bring me death or Mershwood.

As I stept on the rotten wooden docks , and payed the ferryman , there came a howl from the woods behind us. The howl was answerd by an other , closer to us , and I knew this wasn't the howl of an ordinairy wolf. These howls were filled with anger and hatred , this howls came from wehrwolves. Immediatly I grabbed Guyenne , my sword , and it shone in the moonlight that had suddenly appeard. I could hear Guyenne speak to me ; "Blood ! Blood !" Blood for my blade , Guyenne fed on blood and so did I.

...

Part 2

I see their shadows , I feel their fear for Guyenne. Like me ,they heard his singing, his roar for blood. My throught is dry and my teeth grow in the shade. The ferryman falls on the ground , and begins to pray. But it does not help him when I pick him up with inhuman strength and throw him at the ground , it does not help him when I kneel before him and plunge my teeth far in his flesh , slightly feeling his blood acrouse my lips. This was life , this was the strenght I needed ! Let them come !

Kril watches silently , all he sees is a vampire saving a few seconds of his worthyless life. He gives the signe , the signe they are waiting for , the sign to feast. Immediatly 2 wehrwolves run through the woods. No , running isn't the right word , it would be gliding. They were hungry ! It had been a while when they had tasted vampireflesh.

Kril was too late , his howl only made it worse. They didn't see the glince of silver that had appeard over there heads. Until his sword came down on Vir's head. And then , as time froze , he grabbed his claws and plunged into the chest of the second wehrwolf. Ripping out his still knocking heart. We could hear him fall till here.

I could see them , I could smell them , I could taste them ... dead ! Laying before my feet. I climb an oak and wait , see them pass me , the howl even works in my advantage , the first did not see my blade. It had already cleaved his head , and with my claws I ripped out the other his heart. He came down with a hard bang. In the distance , I could see the pack leave.

Part 3

'So you have returned ?
I glince at a shade coming out of the fog.

'Cloe , I see you're still here. I thought it was you. Just couldn't be sure with all that sarcasme hanging near.'
'Oh ... very funny , said the man that just ripped out someones heart.
'Yeah , well. In my opinion , its not like he needed it. I would have killed him sooner or later.

Well , if u still wanna live by tomorrow follow me. Kril isn't happy that u killed 2 ofhis pups. And if u want to know , their names were Vir and Lupa.

I wrote the werewolves as wehrwolves on purpose because originaly a werewolve is a wehr-wolf ( wehr is midenglish for man) so wehr-wolf was man-wolf.

It can be I made some gram. errors , English isn't my birthlanguage , and I am glad to learn so critisize all you want

Baldric , and may your dreams be filled with horror

The Backward OX · 05-10-2008, 08:34 PM

I should know a lot more about you as a person first, before commenting. But I’ll make do with what I have. I’d say you may have a great future as a writer. You’ll need to work hard at improving your English – read lots, mix with people, watch quality television (is there such a thing where you live?), maybe even study. But already you either know your background or you have a terrific imagination, or both, so keep at it!

Baldric · 05-11-2008, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

I should know a lot more about you as a person first, before commenting. But I’ll make do with what I have. I’d say you may have a great future as a writer. You’ll need to work hard at improving your English – read lots, mix with people, watch quality television (is there such a thing where you live?), maybe even study. But already you either know your background or you have a terrific imagination, or both, so keep at it!

Things to know about me
1) I'm 15 years old
2) English is my 3th language ( besides dutch & french)
3) I study languages
4) I really really like mythology ( I've read Illias, Odysea , The Bible , ...)
5) I know my english isn't that good , probably a lot of gram errors , isn't it?

+ I live in Belguim , that right , the land that gave you chocolate & beer !

Baldric

Olly Buckle · 05-11-2008, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baldric

Something I wrote will lying sick in bed , I only got the Prologue though. The rest was lost during the "Revenge of the Cleaning Lady"

Hope you enjoy it , I might rewrite it , i've given enough comments.

January 8th 2003 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Dear Journal , I have grown old and weak , and while I lay here , I can not stop to think of the time ,( Prhased like this it means he hasn't got the time to stop and think of... You want "I can not stop thinking of the time) the time when I was young and strong , when men didn't fought (Fight not fought)from behind a computer but took up (a) sword and fought(correct here) for there(their)lives. The time that I , Gwynned recieved Guyenne , that I Gwynned saved Mershwood , that I Gwynned fought against Kril , Wehrwolf of the Welsh.

__________________________________________________ ________________

May 5th 1253 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Through the dense fog , I could barely see the spark of light , my spark of hope , slithly coming closer , and then yet as if the torch in my hand felt a companion , it began to lit as like never before , yet the shadows created in its light frightend me.
I'll come back to the rest, my daughter wants the computer for her homework, Ox is right though, good.

...

I wrote the werewolves as wehrwolves on purpose because originaly a werewolve is a wehr-wolf ( wehr is midenglish for man) so wehr-wolf was man-wolf.

It can be I made some gram. errors , English isn't my birthlanguage , and I am glad to learn so critisize all you want

Baldric , and may your dreams be filled with horror

The Backward OX · 05-11-2008, 07:10 PM

Olly ur one ahead of me mate with that new quote trick

ps Do they have govt clearance sales of computers in England? If they're anything like here you'd pick up a year old desk-top for about forty or fifty quid. (AUD$100). Sometimes even a laptop for that price.

pps Where's your piccie?

Olly Buckle · 05-12-2008, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baldric

Something I wrote will lying sick in bed , I only got the Prologue though. The rest was lost during the "Revenge of the Cleaning Lady"

Hope you enjoy it , I might rewrite it , i've given enough comments.

Part 1

January 8th 2003 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Dear Journal , I have grown old and weak , and while I lay here , I can not stop to think of the time , the time when I was young and strong , when men didn't fought from behind a computer but took up sword and fought for there lives. The time that I , Gwynned recieved Guyenne , that I Gwynned saved Mershwood , that I Gwynned fought against Kril , Wehrwolf of the Welsh.

__________________________________________________ ________________

May 5th 1253 Great Britain , Wales , Mershwood

Through the dense fog , I could barely see the spark of light , my spark of hope , slithly (Did you make this word up? It is a lovely mixture of stealthily and slyly) coming closer , and then yet ( comma instead of yet) as if the torch in my hand felt a companion , it began to lit(light, but I would use a different word like shine or glow as you have light coming up) as like (leave out the like, simply "as never before") never before , yet the shadows created in its light frightend (frightened) me.

Here , I thought by myself , I stand waiting for the Charon of my life , waiting for the boat that will either bring me death or (to) Mershwood.

As I stept (stepped) on the rotten wooden docks , and payed the ferryman , there came a howl from the woods behind us. The howl was answerd (answered) by an other , closer to us , and I knew this wasn't the howl of an ordinairy wolf. These howls were filled with anger and hatred , this howls came from wehrwolves. Immediatly I grabbed Guyenne , my sword , and it shone in the moonlight that had suddenly appeard. I could hear Guyenne speak to me ; "Blood ! Blood !" Blood for my blade , Guyenne fed on blood and so did I.

...

Part 2

I see their shadows , I feel their fear for Guyenne. Like me ,they heard his singing, his roar for blood. My throught is dry and my teeth grow in the shade. The ferryman falls on the ground , and begins to pray. But it does not help him when I pick him up with inhuman strength and throw him at the ground , it does not help him when I kneel before him and plunge my teeth far in his flesh , slightly feeling his blood acrouse my lips. This was life , this was the strenght I needed ! Let them come !

Kril watches silently , all he sees is a vampire saving a few seconds of his worthyless life. He gives the signe , the signe they are waiting for , the sign to feast. Immediatly 2 wehrwolves run through the woods. No , running isn't the right word , it would be gliding. They were hungry ! It had been a while when (since, not when) they had tasted vampireflesh.

Kril was too late , his howl only made it worse. They didn't see the glince (glint) of silver that had appeard over there heads. Until his sword came down on Vir's head. And then , as time froze , he grabbed his claws and plunged into the chest of the second wehrwolf. Ripping out his still knocking heart. We could hear him fall till here.(from here? not sure what you are trying to say )

I could see them , I could smell them , I could taste them ... dead ! Laying before my feet. I climb an oak and wait , see them pass me , the howl even worked in (to, not in)my advantage , the first did not see my blade. It had already cleaved his head , and with my claws I ripped out the other his heart.(The other's heart) He came down with a hard bang. In the distance , I could see the pack leave. (You change tenses in this bit, I climb, I see them, Present continuous I think it's called, the rest is past)

I wrote the werewolves as wehrwolves on purpose because originaly a werewolve is a wehr-wolf ( wehr is midenglish for man) so wehr-wolf was man-wolf.

It can be I made some gram. errors , English isn't my birthlanguage , and I am glad to learn so critisize all you want

Baldric , and may your dreams be filled with horror

I am filled with envy, wish I could write half as well in French, let alone Flemish, I am not usually a fantasy person, (and I don't think the Ox is either) but this particular mix of vampire and werewolf has more life than the usual offerings, well done. I gave up correcting all the spellings half way through, you can use spell check for that.

Olly Buckle · 05-12-2008, 03:33 AM

Ox, my musician friend, Will, has bought himself a Mac with his advance and is promising to give me his old laptop as he won't ever use it again, I just have to hold him to it.

Baldric · 05-12-2008, 03:50 AM

Thanks for the spelling check , me and my friend are trying to get all the mischiefs out. And thanks for the comment , U say you hope to write in French and Flemish ? Where are u from ? My French is bad actually , i'm from the flemish side of the country

The Backward OX · 05-12-2008, 05:25 AM

Please excuse my bad French. Excusez s'il vous plaît mon mauvais français.

Olly sometimes takes weeks to answer, and I am sure he will forgive me if I answer for him.

Olly quelquefois des semaines pour répondre, et je suis sûr qu'il me pardonnera (?) si je réponds pour lui.

You have misunderstood his English. Vous avez mal compris son Anglais.

When he said “(I) wish I could write half as well in French, let alone Flemish ”, he probably meant he does not write well in French, and does not write Flemish.

Il n'écrit pas bien dans le Français, et il ne peut pas écrire le Flamand.

And he is English and lives in England.

Baldric · 05-12-2008, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Please excuse my bad French. Excusez s'il vous plaît mon mauvais français.

Olly sometimes takes weeks to answer, and I am sure he will forgive me if I answer for him.

Olly quelquefois des semaines pour répondre, et je suis sûr qu'il me pardonnera (?) si je réponds pour lui.

You have misunderstood his English. Vous avez mal compris son Anglais.

When he said “(I) wish I could write half as well in French, let alone Flemish ”, he probably meant he does not write well in French, and does not write Flemish.

Il n'écrit pas bien dans le Français, et il ne peut pas écrire le Flamand.

And he is English and lives in England.

Oh ... I see , ok and thanks for the comment , anything else I should adjust ? Because i'm currently working on the 3th Part and its gonna be a bit longer then the usual.

Baldric

And you don't have to speak French at me. I can understand English , its just the gram.

The Backward OX · 05-12-2008, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baldric

Oh ... I see , ok and thanks for the comment , anything else I should adjust ? Because i'm currently working on the 3th Part and its gonna be a bit longer then the usual.

Only a small correction.

When we use numeric abbreviations for the words first, second, third, fourth, we write them as 1st , 2nd, 3rd, 4th . The abbreviation is the number plus the last two letters of the word when it is spelled, for example the ‘nd’ from ‘second’ becomes part of the abbreviation ‘2nd’ . The ‘th’ abbreviation continues all the way up to twentieth – 20th, then we go back to 21st, 22nd, and so on.

Baldric · 05-12-2008, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Only a small correction.

When we use numeric abbreviations for the words first, second, third, fourth, we write them as 1st , 2nd, 3rd, 4th . The abbreviation is the number plus the last two letters of the word when it is spelled, for example the ‘nd’ from ‘second’ becomes part of the abbreviation ‘2nd’ . The ‘th’ abbreviation continues all the way up to twentieth – 20th, then we go back to 21st, 22nd, and so on.

Ok , thanks. It really helps me out. But anyhow , what do you think of the story? Anything in particular you would like me to add?

Baldric & Louis.

The Backward OX · 05-12-2008, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baldric

Ok , thanks. It really helps me out. But anyhow , what do you think of the story? Anything in particular you would like me to add?

Baldric & Louis.

Like Olly, I’m not really a fan of this type of writing so I am unable to make suggestions. You could look at some of the other forums on this site – Short Stories, Critique and Advice, Fiction – and post your story in one of those. If you do this, you might want to put a notice at both the beginning and end that English is not your primary language, because otherwise you may receive unfair criticism. Good luck.