Stand Alone - Writers Forum

Kurosaki_Ichigo · 03-31-2008, 10:58 PM

There are a few mistakes here and there because I wrote this awhile ago and forgot about it until, maybe three or four weeks ago. This was based of something I saw. It was a Gravitation AMV and I got really depressed so I wrote this... It's from the main characters POV (from Gravitation)

Alone

I was alone. Standing in the cold rain I waited for the pain to stop. It continued. I missed him. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was alone now and shaking. I never knew why he left me. He just did. I pressured him. Every time he pushed away I felt like I got that much closer to him. I wanted his warm body to press against mine and his warm lips over my mine. I wanted nothing more then to see my boyfriend again. Yet he moved and left me all alone. He thought he wasn't enough for me. Then why was he with me for so long? Why didn't he keep pushing and shoving every time I tried to kiss him, or even get close to him? It doesn't make sense! So now I stand alone and waiting for the pain to cease.

phurst · 04-03-2008, 04:16 PM

Sorry, it's blah, blah, blah, same old tired story with nothing new, nothing exciting. The best thing about it was it was short. You need to find a new twist or a better hook. It is the same old dreary heartache we have all had and that makes it boring.

dhyre · 04-08-2008, 01:20 PM

This is a good beginning piece, although you kind of gave us an idea of the setting. Someone, standing alone in the rain, they're miserable. I think it is important to incorporate the setting,(the rain) into the rest of the scene. It is a good paragraph. But it needs context, explanation and a paragraph leading up to it.

I hope this works out.

dhyre

dhyre · 04-08-2008, 01:25 PM

p.s. I think what phurst was trying to say is surprise us, surprise yourself.. although the way phurst's comment was written it sounded kind of mean. I agree that you could surprise us but I don't agree with the context in their comment.

Ungood · 04-08-2008, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kurosaki_Ichigo

There are a few mistakes here and there because I wrote this awhile ago and forgot about it until, maybe three or four weeks ago. This was based of something I saw. It was a Gravitation AMV and I got really depressed so I wrote this... It's from the main characters POV (from Gravitation)

Alone

I was alone. Standing in the cold rain I waited for the pain to stop. It continued. I missed him. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I was alone now and shaking. I never knew why he left me. He just did. I pressured him. Every time he pushed away I felt like I got that much closer to him. I wanted his warm body to press against mine and his warm lips over my mine. I wanted nothing more then to see my boyfriend again. Yet he moved and left me all alone. He thought he wasn't enough for me. Then why was he with me for so long? Why didn't he keep pushing and shoving every time I tried to kiss him, or even get close to him? It doesn't make sense! So now I stand alone and waiting for the pain to cease.

The problem I have first off it the tense "I am alone" or "I was alone"

If it is going to be "I was" that means the end needs to be a "Now" state - which should be slightly different then the "Then" State...

If it is "I am" then you need to fix the tense...

Hope that helps...