Roxane

Something that should be different

I never found out what had really happened. Maybe, because I lacked knowledge. Maybe because, no one knew, or, since it did not matter.

She had already been crying when I picked her up. No, I didn’t actually pick her up, why take everything so literally? I picked her up on the roads of our lives. Oh, don’t take it personally! If I had not met her I would have taken it that way too. Every human would, that’s why it looks like it does, it’s the world I mean. Just up side down –comical, but seen as reality, normality.

Sparkling, silver drops of ingenuous water glistened on her cheeks. In a way I had always known about her sorrow, what human did not? It is the grey, futureless, wounded grief of the world. The point where it does not know what will come.

And I saw all this grief in the glimmering, help seeking eyes of a young girl. But suddenly it flickered to my sight and I caught it. And it was pure fright, the fright of the future, the lack of trust in one another.

And I cried out, loud, because I had come only to help.

And she saw me like we see any stranger, stranger of sight, blood, culture, religion, color, nation and race. And there was hate, the hate of all that created the fright.

And all around me shattered at my so painful wail filled with disgust in the evil that surrounded me, and she smiled.

dhyre

Is this about someone and adopting a foundling (found child)? I was listening to music and had to stop it to follow what was written. But I do think this it could be transformed into a very moving scene.

Have you tried simplifying some of the language? Why don't you run over it and put it into plain, simple wording. Sometimes I find that to help. Because whatever your plot is/was going to be is not really showing through, maybe by saying exactly what you want to say will help.

Often I find writers, including myself, are striving to be the next mastermind. But people won't read your work if they can not identify with it - try to give them something to identify with, even if it is simplistic language, it can still be beautiful and moving.

I like what you have tried to start with, and I hope my tips help.

Good luck,

dhyre

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*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.

desm

I agree with dhyre, it does take some thinking about. I think that may be because of all the commas and multi layered sentences.

I don't see the point of the "or", I think you should get rid of it because it's one less things to read and slow readers down.

Stranger of sight sounds odd to me. As I would never say someone that looked strange was a "stranger of sight". So if I were you I'd just make that first piece "stranger of blood," as that, and everything else, implies sight.

I don't think you're aspiring beyond your ability though, and I think it would be a much better piece if it were somehow simplified, grammatically.

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Only story on the forum so far: http://www.writingforums.com/short-s...mru-434-a.html
It's sci-fi, and very short.

Roxane

hehe I like your plot better than mine

It was supposed to be about this man who walks by this crying girl. When he sees her, he immediately wants to help. Only the girl sees it from a different angle, she sees a stranger approaching her, and is filled with fear. Upon seeing her fear, he relates this to all racism and whatever in the world... That is when he screams, and she smiles at his scream, so as to show how evil she is herself...... I know.... complicated

I might try rewriting it using your idea (someday), if thats ok?

Thanks

Roxane

Desm I just saw your post now, and had to laugh at "stanger of sight" I have to admit that I wrote this a while ago, which is probably why it is in this file in first place. Thanks