Hobo

I'm tied to a wooden chair and about a half second away from one of the most painful face reconstructions by fist in my life. Possibly the history of all known mankind. Like most soon to be painful situations this is all about a woman.

"Nate I can't believe you would come into our house asking questions. I mean really now of all the stupid things a man like you could do. What were you thinking?"
"I was pretty confident you could answer my questions with your vast amounts of acquired knowledge."
"Flattery will get you everywhere and nowhere Nathan. After what you did at the Victims Tavern I'm surprised you haven't left the city for fear of your life from the entirety of the sovereign vampire nation. Surely you know that we frown upon half a dozen of our kind being slain for no reason."
"Does it matter at all that they started it?"
"Not really."
"What if I say that I am REALLY sorry?"
“Hmm it certainly has a ring to it but no I'm afraid that doesn't change much."

His fist pulls back for his first punch and ... wait a minute. This is a really shity spot to start a story isn't it? We'll come back to me getting the ever loving fuck beat out of me a little later. Like I said this all started over a woman.

II

Oh how I hate Hades. The center of the universe they call it. A crock of shit made up for tourist brochures to entice a visit. Both God and Lucifer set up shop here. Even have their own corporate towers, to prove they have a sense of humor God owns Good Inc. and Lucifer owns Evil Ind. those whacky power struggling deities. For me though Hades is just a little to on the nose of a name. I mean sure the cities’ literally underground with access from a cornfield in the middle of butt fuck nowhere Midwestern state. There are definitely enough fucked up things going on here to keep the name but ... oh hell who cares?

I'm a Contractor. That is about the vaguest title I can give being that it is exactly what I'm licensed for. In Hades that means that I can engage as private detective, hitman, handyman, and or prostitute. Lucky me I know, try and contain your envy, and for you sickest of shits yes I can actually engage in all of them at the same time. However I usually kill people, things, and sometimes inanimate objects. This however is all about how I met the missing girl, wait no, this is about the case I took LOOKing for a missing girl. That definitely sounded less stupid.

"Mr. Grim?" asked the brick shit house of a man who just walked into my office.
"Never met him, how can I help you?" I replied with my most charming half smile.
"Very funny Mr. Grim. My employer wishes for a consultation."
"Send him right in then."
"Mr. Soot does not leave his penthouse."
"Well then it appears we have a conflict of interest my large friend."

Our first conflict is that Lazerus Soot is one creepy necromancer fuck. Second is of course the fact that this man wall is not someone I'd ever want to go for a ride with. Finally I just don't do in home consultations way to shady. Even for me.

His muscles tense under his very expensive suit the damn thing practically rips off his shoulders. A low noise a sigh? Maybe a grunt? Escapes his throat before he speaks again.

"Perhaps I was not quite clear. You will be meeting with him. Either standing on your feet or being carried out." A grin spread across his fractured features showing a mouth full of jagged teeth like broken beer bottles.
"That was a threat."
"Yes it was."
"Hmmm hard to argue with that."
"It is, now you can defy your reputation and do business like a reasonable ..."

He stopped short of that complimentary sentence as a bullet from my forty five pierced his brain via his eye socket.

"Damn it. Blood all over my new blinds." I said with a sigh.

Two days and a half dozen undead minions later I was paid yet another visit. This was a bit more interesting.

"Ex ... excuse me Mr. Grim?" said a nervous young fellow with glasses and skin the color paper. The white kind without lines.
"Please save me the trouble and just jump out the window. I'm tired of cleaning blood and gore out of my office. My maid quit."
His eyes wandered around the room to the various blood stains all over ... well everything "Mr. Grim I understand we've caused you a gr-great deal of trouble. My employer is willing to give you fifty thousand dollars just to meet him."
"I have to think about that."
"Whatever you do please don't kill me."
"You haven't threatened me you don't have to retire early."
"Thanks?"
"You're welcome and I accept your offer. Now give me the candy and show me your van."

III

It was a long drive to the Soot tower. At least the car was nice and the booze were free. The nervous guy was a damn fine driver. I didn't even spill a drop of my five hundred dollar a glass scotch. I felt we had a certain bond at this point and once we got there I was really hoping I wouldn't have to kill him. It'd be a damn shame.

We pulled up to the tower hours later and I had myself a slight buzz going on from the very free very expensive bar in the car. This was carefully calculated to hopefully make this experience a lil easier to handle. I opened the door and nervous guy practically flung himself out the vehicle to try and grab my door. Instead he slipped on the tile driveway fell on his face and I ended up helping him up.

"Thank you Mr. Grim. Please follow me." He managed to spit out with no stammering at all, I think he might have had a few drinks too.

We walked up the path to the main building of the vast complex that was Soot Towers. Lazerus Soot was a necromancer by trade under the front as a legitimate businessman. He started out fairly low rent having zombies rob banks for him and that's what created his start up money. Now he is the primary producer of genetically engineered food. That is of course a pretty term for he grows people to feed unholy creatures. Most civilians (A term used for all regular humans in Hades) just call him a human farmer. Essentially he sells blood and flesh for those that need it for nutrients. He perfected the process so that they never actually acquire a soul making the whole process almost slightly better than the cattle industry, though still kinda creepy, but since Hades frowns on killing humans it's a sort of middle ground. We walked through the main foyer that was decorated in gold, ivory, marble, and just about any other material that is worth a fortune. One pillar is probably worth more than the building I live in, all my possessions and my life ... roughly around a hundred fold.

It was a long quiet elevator ride. The entire time I could see the camera focusing in on me but it wasn't the camera that bothered me quite so much as the unnerving feeling that I knew at this moment I was being very very very very watched. I decided to put on a hand puppet show for whoever was in the control booth and had my hand monster consume nervous guys head. I really probably should get his name. The door chimed to let us know we were at our destination and we both stepped into and even more elaborate lobby of sorts this one done entirely in onyx and what must have been platinum or white gold.

"Mister Nathan Grim welcome to Soot Towers." said a polite young woman behind a desk.
"Thank you. I believe I'm supposed to do a consultation with Mr. Soot." I said in my best polite happy voice.
"That is quite correct all I need is your gun and I can send you right in." she said with a sweet smile. It’s always cute when they use muses with their manipulative talents.
"That's nice you just let Mr. Soot know that I will walk right the fuck outa here if he thinks I'm giving up my gun. You can just pass that along sweetie." My smile never broke but her face dropped when she realized I wasn't falling for her charms.

A hearty laugh broke behind me. The kind of laugh that makes you immediately think of a guy who just stabbed a clown and spiders and snakes came out instead of blood and this guy was amused. Needless to say but my skin crawled so quick I thought it was tryin to go inside of me like a turtle. Turning around I was only half aware of the grimace of pain spread across my face as I looked upon Lazerus Soot. He appeared to be in his early eighties but I knew well enough to know it was closer to one hundred and eighty. Dressed in garish colors and sequins and what appeared to be gems I really couldn't help myself.

"Dear god you make Liberachi look straight in that outfit." I blurted out rather regretfully because it made him laugh his clown stabbing laugh again.
"Nathan my dear boy! May I call you Nathan?" he asked light heartedly.
"For the money you gave me just to meet you I believe that gives you the right to call me whatever you'd like."
He laughed again, more clowns died, I held back tears."I guess you are right I did pay you a hefty fee for a consultation. Please follow me to my office so that we may have a bit more privacy."

IV

We walked in through yet another large and ridiculously ornate doorway to his private office which could have doubled for a private mansion. This was a much subtler design still with the onyx tile on the floor but the walls were paneled with a dark wood the only thing even slightly over the top was a chandelier made entirely from human skeletons but I gotta give credit it was nice lookin. He removed his over cloak which was for all intents and purposes made from skinned dead, gay, Muppets ... or in all fairness they could have been skinned while they were alive I don't know the order. Underneath was a finely tailored suit.

"I really hate the old gods dress code." he said noticing my glance locked on the cloak. “High and mighty deities they are but god are they ugly."
"I'm more than inclined to agree with you. Now that I'm here I believe there was business to attend to."
"How refreshing." he said with a relaxed smile.
"How is that refreshing?" I had to ask.
"In my trade there is far too much pompous ceremony and ass kissing. Now bare in mind I do love what I do but the business aspect mixing with my recreational habits leads to lengthy bullshit and pointless conversation topics and formalities before anything ever gets done. It's nice to deal with someone who while crass and inappropriate gets to the point. It is refreshing. Plus having almost more money than God leads to a lot of pussy footing for fear of death." he sat in a high backed chair behind a large yet somewhat plain desk folding his hands.
"If you killed less people, you know off the record, maybe people would be less inclined to bury their face in your ass."
"True, but I rather enjoy the fear. The Absolute respect. Anyways that's enough business ethics debate. I assume you'd like to get to the basics."
"That'd be nice.'
"An old friend of mine disappeared about a week ago. I have a file waiting for you at the front desk should you decide to take on this case. I'd like you to find out why she disappeared and either retrieve her or at least solve her murder. Unfortunately I have a strong feeling that she has in fact died but I cannot prove it nor find her soul."
"You are aware that I'm not really much of a detective right? I know I have a poor reputation as a person but a decent one as a contract killer."
He gave a quiet unsettling chuckle." Nathan please, you aren't even much of a person you and I both know that truth, and also you know that you are a highly recommended killer."
"Silly me I figured you might have neglected some of your homework."
"Never bed a man you can't control, that's my saying." He gave a sick sadistic smile.
"Guess it's a good thing you're not trying to bed me then."
"Yes it is. I'm well aware that you could kill me and I have to say I get almost a giddy thrill out of saying it. Not many can. Which is exactly why I need you. This dear friend of mine was in her younger years in with some dangerous crowds. All of her history to the best of my abilities is in the file at the front desk. I won't lie to you, this 'investigation' will more than likely have a very high body count just to get the required information." the smile had fallen into a dazed sadness.
"Was she your lover?"
Horrible laughter erupted from him."You told the truth about your detective skills not really being up to par didn't you?"
"Oh I caught the comment about bedding men, but ya know gotta ask twice, never know when you're being lied to until you ask more than once."
"No her and I had never been more than dear friends. We had lunch every Tuesday up until she didn't show up. I still go and wait too. Please Nathan, find out what has happened to my friend."
"What's it worth to you?"

V

A million dollar contract to find someone possibly alive or dead and figure out why. It was a long drive home or at least it felt longer than the trip up. I just stared out the window thinking about the million dollar payday and spent every second dreading it. I love a good puzzle and the fact that this man who owned large portions of Hades couldn't find her or figure it out made it seem worth a shot. I also knew that to do this kind of job on a civilian took one of two things ... one whoever did this consumed the body after snatching the target unseen or two a lot of bad fuckin mojo with connections deeper and darker than even Lazerus Soot. So in summation, some scary shit.

VI

I sat at my desk for what must have been hours just pouring through the details. More specifically the absurdity of the details. Helen Travis a forty five year old woman disappeared. In Hades that's not really a big surprise people disappear all the time, but not when they're this connected and in nothing but pleasant ways. Her late teens she spent time as a vampire feeding groupie (apparently the soul makes the blood taste better), at one point in her early twenties she was a book keeper for Colonel Hero while he was on the campaign to be Hades mayor, and in her late twenties finally went back to college to get her degree in education. All had nothing but the greatest of respect for her even in their parting. I mean hell how many enemies can a preschool teacher have?

Alright her past she parts ways amicably with just about everyone she meets. No known enemies or arch nemesis of any kind, no ransom, and no single trace of her. Guess it's time to start looking for the usual suspects. Her husband is a fairly well liked pastor at a church in a middle class area of Hades without a history of harming a single soul he's also been broken up and pretty well holed up in his home since she disappeared. Coworkers are broken up, etc etc etc, children dismayed, no employees or children with any criminal histories (hey cut me a break this is Hades and you never know when some children of the corn shit is gonna start up). Huge out crying of support from the community and city at large and everyone seems sad.

I can't figure on a single motive for murder. There was a life insurance policy but it was only for about fifty grand. No known gambling debts for the husband or outstanding pacts with any legitimate demons. Also the fact that insurance policies don't pay up unless there is a body pretty much clears the husband. Dear sweet baby Jesus there's even a reference to Ted in this report, she was apparently his personal cup o blood, and he’s got every single one in the sovereign vampire nation combing the streets. Ted is the original vampire, a stone cold killer, and he quotes it that if he could cry he would.

If there was a ransom I'd be more inclined to believe in a kidnapping. Something about this just stinks to high heaven. Maybe this is an abduction but still without any real rhyme or reason. Ted is known to be rather protective of his property but his cry of support draws a little too much direct attention. Course what better way to cover up snatching someone than to make your sadness public. My luck isn't that good but it's still a lead I'll have to pursue.

So it looks like the basics really. Visit the husband, her work, the mayor, and Ted. I am so totally fucked. I really wish I had a paddle right now.

Hmmm nothing left to do but drink on this problem.

... There's more to this but I'm only allowed 20k characters in a post...

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Hobotastic!