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| File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here. |
03-10-2008, 06:50 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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Mildly disturbing
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"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:15 PM.
Reason: I spelled cheek wrong. How sad is that?
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03-10-2008, 06:55 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:15 PM.
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03-16-2008, 11:36 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 413
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I like it. You spelled cheek wrong by the way. A few confusions- I thought he was cleaning it, why did the narrator have to? How did he paint so quickly? "Sweet little boy" sounds weird, intentional creepiness??
"I look down to where you’re lying at my feet, curled into the fetal position." I liked this, sounds real. You have god voice and the situation is well defined.
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Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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03-17-2008, 06:18 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:15 PM.
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03-18-2008, 02:47 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Texas
Gender: Female
Posts: 187
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Wow.
It had just the right amount of distrubia  and I loooved the ending. But I was confused...was that two guys?
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Warning: Contains mass amounts of cheese.
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03-18-2008, 05:06 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 413
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Yes Jax, there both men. Although I agree, Damien at the beginning you give the allusion of the other person being female.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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03-18-2008, 07:25 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:15 PM.
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03-18-2008, 07:41 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: America
Gender: Female
Posts: 413
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lol, thats true. Although, I'm not sure if I would call you girly (except for that giggle) your writing is very mature and serious-like from what I've read.
__________________
Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me
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03-19-2008, 06:37 AM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:15 PM.
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03-22-2008, 10:20 PM
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#10
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1
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It is a weird little story! But it's nice. I enjoyed it. I feel the narrator's pain, I couldn't imagine if someone ripped up one of my pictures... but yeah. It was very dramatic. I feel rather sorry for the narrator...
...Does bleach really do that to your hands?
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03-23-2008, 01:29 PM
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#11
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:16 PM.
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03-23-2008, 03:13 PM
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#12
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 75
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Well, if I wasn't in school to study "domestic violence" (a term used with great endearment) I may have taken another meaning out of this piece.
Um... I think the emotion conveyed is well done, although the attributes of love in a moment of hatred... if this person is being beaten, which I believed to be entirely possible while reading this , then in that moment when their perpetrator is on the verge of rage - I would suspect, your protagonist would slip into fight or flight mode. So I don't think that part about the eyes is in the best location, although, with the proper context written in it could work.
This piece comes across as a very experiential piece, something either well imagined or experienced. And I feel like it might not have the same 'wow' effect on someone who has never experienced, learned about or been related to someone who has experienced this.
Overall, I think this piece could do justice to a topic that is vastly under-written about. I just think it could use a bit more context, especially about the "love your eyes" part, and the "nerve to leave you" part. What are you meaning to say, and what could be added to make that more understood to the reader who has obviously picked up your work for a reason. Maybe, for the "leave you" part, you could define the character's safety situation. Is it safe to leave? Will he be found?
Anyways, keep on keepin' on! This looks amazing.
dhyre,
p.s. I hope my suggestions are helpful.
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*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.
"Truth is complex, truth has many points of view"
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03-23-2008, 04:51 PM
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#13
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 254
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__________________
"I demand to choose your signature" - Tristiano
Last edited by Damien. : 06-19-2008 at 03:16 PM.
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03-23-2008, 05:32 PM
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#14
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 75
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I hope so, this needs to be written and I think that they way you are doing it is the best yet!
__________________
*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.
"Truth is complex, truth has many points of view"
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