krissy901_830

Chapter 1
“I will pay 80 dollars for her.” Mr. M. yelled to no one in particular.
“She isn’t for sale!”
“I wasn’t talking about her.”
“Then who are you talking about?”
“You, of course.”
“I am not for sale, neither is Sausage! She is my dog, and I, Kristen, am a human being, Mr. M.”

This all happened a month after I found out. Well you are probably confused, so let me explain. I know lets start at the beginning. It all started when my friends and I were shipped to boarding school…
“Stop pinching me,” Sommer yelled, “or I’ll call mom on the cell phone!”
“What can she do about it? We’re heading off to boarding school. She can’t just come and stop the limo from going. It cost over 500 dollars for each person.” I informed her in a too polite tone.
“Would you two please stop fighting?” Elizabeth yelled at us. Elizabeth had long black hair that was very frizzy and curly. She had tan skin with small red lips. She was pretty tall, but just shorter than Kristen. Kristen had long blonde sort of wavy hair. She had very pale skin and big ruby red lips. Sommer, Kristen, and Elizabeth all had blue eyes, but Kristen’s changed color. Sommer was short and had shoulder-length blazing red hair that matched her medium lips. She had light skin with lots of freckles.
“No!” Kristen and Sommer yelled simultaneously.
“Why mom is sending us to a school for super smart and nice people who haven’t been ruined by your lives I have no idea.” Elizabeth justified.
“I am much more mature when I don’t have to be in the same room with Sommer. Sommer is the one who isn’t mature.”
“Neither of you are so just shut up okay!” Elizabeth yelled.

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Writing, Writing, Egypt, Writing, Writing, Egypt
Reading
No clue which one I love more.

krissy901_830

I really don't like it, because I have no idea where its headed or anything. I think its stupid anyway.

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Writing, Writing, Egypt, Writing, Writing, Egypt
Reading
No clue which one I love more.

Kast13

I'm pretty sure when i was seven I got in trouble for putting a crayon in the electric pencil sharpener...I wouldn't be surprised if I ate it after then got detention.

What I'm trying to say is, thats pretty good for 7 years old! Maybe update it if you don't like it.

krissy901_830

thank you and i tried to do a magic trick with a penny and ended up swallowing it

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Writing, Writing, Egypt, Writing, Writing, Egypt
Reading
No clue which one I love more.

Malone

I enjoyed reading it, especially knowing it was written by a seven year old. If the reader enjoys it, you're doing good.

There were cell phones around when you were seven? Wow...now I feel really old.

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PrisonerOfPrey

yeah, thats very advanced for seven years old. When I was seven I had to have special spelling test because I couldn't keep up. lol, and now i'm a writer.

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Now I lay me down to sleep/
With every passing thought I weep/
Lead me into nights dark bliss/
And let me wake in innocence. -Me

dhyre

Hi,

I like the way you introduce it although once I got into it, I felt like you were telling us instead of showing us. There was a bit too much repetition and description. Why don you try adding some action to it. For example, Kirsten's blond hair glimmered in the sunlight, I had always wanted blond hair. --- I know it is not the best example but it gives us an idea of why you are telling us she had blond hair.

dhyre

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*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.

dhyre

All stories are still workable, unless you wrote Starwars, which I have a suspicion was a seven year old's dream.

__________________
*** correction: Writing is about individuality, breaking the rules, testing new grounds, listening to ourselves. That's why we do it, to show we are individuals, we are human and because everyone's idea deserves a chance, even if you don't think so.