Mr Write

Ok, this is something I wrote when I was first getting into writing years and years ago, just found it on an old computer disk. it’s a story called the white man, one of the first things I wrote so I know its not perfect and I’m sure there needs to be a few corrections but I don’t want it critiqued because I have no plan on redoing it or anything, just tell me what you think.


“Goodbye Mr. Jones” said Stanley Green the professional therapist, as his patient Mr. Jones walked out of the office. “send in Mr. White” he called to his receptionist, “you can go in now” he herd her say. The door opened and a short brown haired man stood there looking at him. “ah, you must be Charles white” Stanley asked “oh just call me Mr. White, or white mac white man” Charles told him “….ok” Stanley said “well just take a seat, and then we can start.” Charles walked over to the leather chair and sat down, “no, no that’s my chair” Stanley told him, “oh sorry” he said and then moved. “right lets get started” Stanley said taking Charles file, “ok, but I don’t think I need t’ be hear, y’ see my friend Jill sent me here, thought it would help me get over the death of my cat Percy” “I see, so when did your cat die” Stanley asked. There was a short pause and then he replied “it was about a month ago, he, he got in a fight with an evil squirrel, and, and it grabbed his balls and tried to eat them like nuts…. He died on the way to the vet” Charles said in a sad voice, then quickly looked up, smiled and said “o well, can’t go liven in the past now can we” “are you all right” Stanley asked caringly “yea I’m ok now” Charles replied “anyway, lets get started” “we already have” Stanley told him “oh” said Charles “so, how close were you to your cat” “um, can we talk about something else for now” Charles wondered, “whatever you want” Stanley told him. Stanley started rummaging through his desk draw, “ ah here we are” he said, pulling out a pack of picture cards “right” he told Charles “I have some picture cards here, and when I show them to you, I want you to tell me all the things they remind you of.” “ok” said Charles, getting comfortable in his seat. Stanley held up the first card, with a picture of a dog on it. “uh, a dog” Charles said hopefully, “no no” Stanley told him, “you have to tell me all of the things it reminds you of, like of the time your dog died, or” “my dog died” Charles interrupted “no, no that was just an ex…” Stanley started, “I mean, my cats only just died, not my dog too, I mean I know he was old, but he was fit as a fiddle” Charles interrupted again “he even brought me my newspaper this morning, maybe it was too much of a strain on him, I think I should call my friend Jill” “STOP” Stanley shouted, “that was just an example, I’m sure your dog’s fine” “oh good” said Charles relaxing again “thank god that’s over.” “ok” said Stanley “lets try it again but with a different card” Stanley held up a card with a picture of a lion on it “ahh” Charles yelled shortly “wow, that was scary wasn’t it” he said enthusiastically “I almost ruined my pants”. Stanley looked at the cartoon lion and then back at Charles, with wide eyes, “mmm shall we try another one” Charles asked, “um……. lets just try it with words” Stanley thought, looking at his new patients chair, “ok, go ahead” Charles asked “IM NOT MR. KIPLING” Stanley yelled, Charles backed into his chair away from Stanley, “sorry, sorry I didn’t mean to shout” Stanley said “ its just that the kids used to tease me at school saying that, lets carry on” he picked up Charles’s record, it said travels by bus under his name “bus” Stanley told him, “um, mad old woman” Charles thought, “what did you just call me” “not you” Charles told him “the bus reminds me of a mad old woman” “what’s a mad old woman got to do with a bus” “well” said Charles “when I go to the paperclip factory where I work, I have to ride the bus, and theirs this mad old woman who sits behind me and always kicks the back of my seat” Stanley nodded in a caring way “carry on” he asked “well she has these sticky sweets she sucks, they smell of cheese and vinegar and she chucks them over the seat at me, once one got stuck in my hair and I had to shave it all off. “why don’t you just move away from her” asked Stanley “o” thought Charles “that never occurred to me, I always sit in the same seat, in front of her” “ok” said Stanley “moving on, hears another one, Jane” he said looking at the file again “my mum,” Stanley waited a few seconds and then said “you can say more than that, remember, all the things that come into your head” Stanley breathed out “ok hears the next one…. Frank” he said seeing his fathers name “um” Charles thought “my dad” “yes, all right, just say anything” Stanley told him “ok well, theirs Frank Butcher who was on easterners, and Frank Morris, who works down the fish and chip shop and Frank Flintstone, wait that’s Fred Flintstone isn’t it, oh can I do Fred instead, now lets see, well there’s Fred Flintstone, Freddy baker the candle stick maker, and Frank Boxer from the post office, and it’s funny because his last name is boxer, and he’s not a boxer, he’s a post officer Isn’t that funny” “Extremely” Stanley said unenthusiastically “yes we’ve had a good laugh about it, me and old Frank have, although he did punch me on the nose after a few minuets, anyway why was I talking about boxer, o did you see rocky last night, he’s a boxer, oh can I do rocky instead that might be easier” “I’m sure” Stanley said “um…..” Charles thought “ oh I know, why don’t I do Bruce instead“ “ um, no, ok moving on, lets talk about your problems” “oh don’t worry about that” Charles told him, “I don’t have any problems” “yes you bloody do” Stanley muttered under his breath “what was that” Charles asked looking up “don’t worry about that, now can you tell me what’s bothering you” “nothing bothers me” Charles told him “oh c’mon there must be something bothering you” “ok” I admit it cried Charles, jumping up from his chair “I cant take it any more, the pressures too much, ill admit it, ill tell you, for the love of god ill tell you” “what is it” Stanley asked, “don’t rush me,” Charles shouted “ok, ill tell you, it was about a year ago, me and my friend Jill were walking to my grans, we were going their for tea and biscuits, and well, on the way their, remember it was a hot day and we were exited about going to grans” “yes carry on” Stanley urged him “and so I turned to her, she’d just said what a beautiful day it was and I, I I kissed her” “who your gran” “no Jill” Charles said “oh, and where did you kiss her” Charles paused “on …… on the cheek” he said ashamedly, “yes then what happened” Stanley asked, “nothing,” Charles answered “that was it the thing I’ve been keeping from everyone” “that’s terrible” Stanley said jokingly “I know, I don’t know what my mother would do if she found out.” Stanley looked Charles in the eyes “your 45” he told him “it doesn’t matter, trust me” “ok” Charles said, trying to relax again. “Now tell me about your cat, where did you get him” Stanley asked, “I, I found him in a wood, I got lost and he showed me the way out” “how extraordinary” Stanley said “yea and he calmed me down, he told me that I should stay calm and not to worry,” “the cat told you that did he” “yes, he did” “um, Charles,” “Mr. White” Charles told him “uh, yes sorry Mr. White, you do know that cats cant talk, don’t you” “yes I’m not crazy” “could of fooled me” Stanley muttered “I do know cats can’t talk, but my cat was imaginary” Stanley paused “and this proves your not crazy, how?” “look, if you don’t want to help me through this stressful time, ill take my money else ware” Stanley stared at him, “how can an imaginary cat die” he shouted “I told you the evil squirrel, bit his balls and he bled to death” “well was the evil squirrel imaginary as well” “don’t be stupid” Charles yelled “the squirrel was invisible” Stanley stopped, “ok” he said calming down, “shall we talk about something else” “no” Charles shouted “why should we change the subject, I want to talk about Percy, he was like a brother to me, maybe even more, now he’s died all I have left is my sanity” he paused to think and then carried on “and the only person who’s been there for me, the only person who looked out for me, was my dog Edward and you told me he was dead, and I don’t care If it was an example its not a nice thing to say” “is he imaginary or invisible” Stanley asked sarcastically, “neither” Charles told him “really, so what’s wrong with him then” “nothing” Charles said “you sure” Stanley asked, “no, I mean he can fly, but that’s because he came from another planet in another dimension in another universe” “of course” Stanley said, gutted that he thought that sense would come out of Charles mouth.
“oh look,” Stanley said looking at his watch, “your times up, what a shame, maybe we can do it again sometime” “really” asked Charles “because actually even though you told me my dog was dead and didn’t really try to help me, I feel that you are a nice bloke and I actually quite like you, so yes I feel we should do this again, how’s Thursday for you” “um well, you see I’m booked up for the rest of the week” Stanley told him pushing Charles out the door “I may be free in a few years” he shouted down the hall way.
He closed the door and leaned against it, “ok” he called to his receptionist “send in Mr. Black” Stanley moved out of the way of the door “ah Mr. Black” Stanley greeted him as he walked in “how nice to see you again” “hello” said Mr. Black holding out a toilet brush for Stanley to shake “how are you doing” he asked “you’ll never guess what Looney just came in hear” “yea I suppose you get all sorts coming in hear” Mr. Black said taking a dead fish out of his pocket “oh I see you’ve brought Harry along with you, how is he, and how is your beautiful wife batman“.

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Damian_Rucci

Pretty good except the format =/ But besides that it is pretty good, maybe if you went over it and put it into a correct format and changed the font you could try to publish

Mr Write

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Damian_Rucci

Well I think if you fixed it up a bit switched out "said" and "asked" a couple times in your story, you should. Just one day work on it and fix it the way you feel it should be fixed or maybe you might even add new parts or so

winner

It is interesting reading. Kind of lengthy though. Burdensome to read after a while. But if you cleaned it up, you could make it smooth reading. It's interesting. I'd try to do something with it.

Mr Write

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winner

I can see you have ability and the story you want to tell is a good one, but you have things to discover in 'writing'. Learn how to write dialogue into a story. Stay away from long paragraphs. When a reader sees that, something inside of them feels weighted down. They have a chore ahead of them in getting through a long lengthy paragraph. Always correct your spelling. The difficulty with your writing is just about getting the 'basics' down. One doesn't have to be an english professor to be a writer. Just practice, read other writers books, learn. Work with yourself and you may be able to do accomplish something here.

winner

In answer to your question about 'boring or unnecessary'. No. I didn't think it was boring. It is hard to answer the other question because your writing was so 'busy.' I guess probably not, just clean it up. Practice re-writing it different ways, etc. In writing, there's always tons of re-writing that's done. You may go over one paragraph 15 times before you feel satisfied with it. I even had a book that I re-wrote 3 times before I sent it off. So do your homework and good luck.

Mr Write

Here’s a quick rewrite, what do you think?.
I’ll give this one a rewrite as well, but lets see what you think





"Goodbye Mr. Jones" said Stanley Green the therapist, as his patient walked out of the office.
"Send in Mr. White, would you" he called to his receptionist,
"you can go in now" he heard her say.

The door opened, and a short brown haired man stood in the doorway looking at him.
"Ah, you must be Charles white" Stanley asked
"oh just call me Mr. White, or whitey Mac white man" Charles told him.
"….ok" replied Stanley.
This was a strange one.
"well just take a seat, and we can get started."

"Right lets see" said Stanley as he picked up Charles file.
"I’ll do this session but I don’t think I need to be here, you see my friend Jill sent me here, thought it would help me get over the death of my cat Percy."
"I see, so when did your cat die" Stanley asked.
There was a short pause and then he replied
"it was about a month ago, he, he got in a fight with an evil squirrel, and, and it grabbed his balls and tried to eat them like nuts"
Charles put his face in his hands
"I can still see his little face as that horrible squirrel bit down …. he, died on the way to the vet" Charles said sadly, then quickly looked up, smiled and said "oh well, can’t go living in the past now can we"
"are you all right" Stanley asked,
"yea I’m ok now" Charles replied "anyway, lets get started"
"we already have" Stanley told him
"oh" said Charles.

"So, how close were you to your cat"
"um, can we talk about something else for now"
"whatever you want" Stanley told him and began rummaging through his desk draw.
"Ah here we are" he said, pulling out a pack of picture cards
"right let’s try this instead. I have some picture cards here, and when I show them to you, I want you to tell me the first things that come into your head." "Ok" said Charles, as he got comfortable in his seat.

Stanley held up the first card, with a picture of a dog on it.
"Uh, a dog" Charles said hopefully,
"no, no, you have to describe to me, all of the things it reminds you of, for instance if your dog died, or"
"my dog died" Charles yelped, he sat back up wide eyed.
"No, no that was just an ex…" Stanley started,
"I mean, my cats only just died, not my dog too, I know he was old, but he was fit as a fiddle, he even brought me my newspaper this morning. Maybe it was too much of a strain on him, I think I should call my friend Jill"
"STOP" shouted Stanley. "That was just an example, I’m sure your dog’s fine"
"oh good" said Charles relaxing again "thank god that’s over."

Stanley rubbed his forehead; it was going to be one of those days.
"Ok lets try it again but this time with a different card"
Stanley held up a card with a picture of a lion on it
"ahh" Charles yelled shortly
"wow, that was scary wasn’t it" he said enthusiastically "I almost ruined my pants."
Stanley looked at the cartoon lion and then back at Charles.

"So, shall we try another one" Charles asked,
"uh……. let’s try another exercise, it’s basically the same but we’ll use words instead of pictures" Stanley explained, looking at his new patient’s chair.

he picked up Charles’s record, it said travels by bus under his name
"uh, bus" he said,
"um, mad old woman" Charles thought,
"what did you just call me"
"not you, the bus reminds me of a mad old woman"
"what’s a mad old woman got to do with a bus"
"well" said Charles "when I ride the bus there’s always this mad old woman who sits behind me and kicks the back of my seat"
Stanley nodded, crossed his legs and rested his hand under his chin. He always did this; it was a trick he learned to make people think he actually cared about their boring problems.

"Carry on"
"well she has these sticky sweets she sucks, they smell of cheese and vinegar and she throws them at me, once one of them got stuck in my hair and I had to shave it all off."
"Why don’t you just move away from her?" asked Stanley
"oh" thought Charles "that never occurred to me, I always sit in the same seat, in front of her."
Stanley sucked up his annoyance and remembered how much he got paid for doing this and forced a smile.

"Let’s try another one shall we" he said taking another look at the record, under father Charles had sprawled Pete.
"How about Pete" he suggested,
Charles looked up like a child who had the answer to a difficult question on the tip of there tong. After a few seconds thought, he looked up at Stanley, a light bulb turned on in his brain and he stated proudly
"my dad"
"yes… would you like to elaborate, remember just say anything that comes to mind."

"Ok" Charles said,
"well, there’s, Pete Boxer from the post office, and it’s funny because his last name is boxer, and he’s not a boxer, he’s a postman, Isn’t that funny" "Extremely" Stanley said unenthusiastically
"yes we’ve had a good laugh about it, me and old Frank have, although he did punch me on the nose the last time I mentioned it."
Charles stopped talking and looked up blankly at his therapist.

"Ok moving on, lets talk about your problems"
"oh don’t worry about that" Charles told him, "I don’t have any problems"
"yes you bloody do" Stanley muttered under his breath
"what was that" Charles asked as he came out of his hypnotic gaze,
"don’t worry about that. Now can you tell me what’s bothering you"
"nothing bothers me" Charles told him.
"Oh come on there must be something bothering you"
"ok I admit it" cried Charles, jumping up from his chair.

"I can’t take it any more, the pressures too much!"
"What is it?"
"don’t rush me," Charles shouted "ok, I’ll tell you, it was about a year ago, me and my friend Jill were walking to my grans, we were going their for tea and biscuits, and on the way there, we, uh"
"yes carry on" Stanley urged him
"well, I turned to her, she’d just said what a beautiful day it was and I, I, I kissed her, on, on the cheek" he said ashamedly.
"Who your gran"
"no Jill"
"oh, then what happened" Stanley asked,
"well, nothing," Charles answered "that was it, I’ve been keeping it from everyone"
"that’s terrible" Stanley said jokingly
"I know, I don’t know what my gran would do if she found out."
Stanley looked Charles in the eyes
"your 45" he told him "it doesn’t matter, trust me."
"Well, if you’re sure" Charles said, trying to relax again.

"Now tell me about your cat, where did you get him" Stanley asked,
"I found him in a wood, I got lost and he showed me the way out"
"how extraordinary" Stanley said
"yea he calmed me down, told me that I should stay calm and not to worry." "The cat told you that did he"
"yes, he did"
"um, Charles,"
"Mr. White" Charles corrected him
"uh, yes sorry Mr. White, you do know that cats cant talk, don’t you?"
"Yes I’m not crazy"
"could have fooled me" Stanley muttered.
"I do know cats can’t talk" Charles shook his head "but my cat was imaginary." Stanley paused, "and this proves your not crazy, how?"
"Look, if you don’t want to help me through this stressful time, I’ll take my money somewhere else."

Stanley stared at him,
"how can an imaginary cat die" he shouted
"I told you the evil squirrel, bit his balls and he bled to death"
"well was the evil squirrel imaginary as well"
"don’t be stupid" Charles yelled "the squirrel was invisible"
Stanley stopped,
"ok" he said calming down, "shall we talk about something else"
"no" Charles shouted "why should we change the subject, I want to talk about Percy, he was like a mother to me, maybe even more, now he’s died all I have left is my sanity."
he paused to think and then carried on, "and the only person who’s been there for me, the only person who looked out for me, was my dog Edward and you told me he was dead, and I don’t care If it was an example its not a nice thing to say!"
"is he imaginary or invisible" Stanley asked sarcastically,
"neither" Charles told him
"really, so what’s wrong with him then"
"nothing" Charles said
"you sure" Stanley asked,
"no, I mean he can fly, but that’s because he was cross bred with an eagle"
"of course" Stanley said, gutted that he thought that sense would come out of Charles mouth.

"Oh look," Stanley said looking at his watch, "your times up, what a shame, maybe we can do it again sometime"
"really" asked Charles "because actually even though you told me my dog was dead and didn’t really try to help me, I feel that you are a nice bloke and I actually quite like you, so yes I feel we should do this again, how’s Thursday for you"
"um well, you see I’m booked up for the rest of the week" Stanley told him pushing Charles out the door "I may be free in a few years" he shouted down the hall way.

He closed the door and leaned against it, if he had to see that man again it would be a day too soon, he took a deep breath out and straightened his tie, "ok" he called to his receptionist "send in Mr. Black."

Stanley moved out of the way of the door as it opened.
"Ah Mr. Black" Stanley greeted the man as he walked in "how nice to see you again"
"hello" said Mr. Black holding out a toilet brush for Stanley to shake "how are you doing" he asked
"you’ll never guess what Looney just came in hear"
"yea I suppose you get all sorts coming in hear" Mr. Black said taking a dead fish out of his pocket
"oh I see you’ve brought Harry along with you, and how’s the wife batman?"

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winner

I suggest you have an editor look over a chapter and writer remarks on it for you . In writing dialogue you don't include it in the paragraph. Read books and see how it's done. Review what you have written before presenting it to someone. Make sure you have polished it up. If you make changes and then show it to someone else to re-do , then the other person is actually doing the writing.
You would learn a lot from reading other writers books and from making use of an editor's remarks. Keep trying.

Mr Write

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Here’s what I’m currently writing
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Please tell me what you think