RyeCatcher24

Hey folks. This is something I was thinking about and decided to write it down. I'm thinking of making it the opening to a story I've been thinking of. Your opinions and critiques would be greatly appreciated. Negative and positive are all welcome as long as it's constructive. Thanks in advance.



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The welfare office is a very funny place. You've got people from every ethnicity sitting in limbo and becoming very agitated. You're given a number and told to wait in a room packed with strangers. Funny thing about the number you're given is that, it basically doesn't mean shit. It's never in order. Instead, it's based on whichever overworked, uncaring worker gets your number and gets time to call you.

You've got PB4041 and you hear, "PB4045!" You look down thinking, did they call me and I just didn't hear? No, you just have to wait.

A young lady has PX4142 and THEY call "X4142". She gets excited, but, only momentarily as she's told, "Not PX, X". It's like a bad casino game. "Come on lucky number PX4142, momma needs to get some food stamps to feed her kids."

"PX4144." She gets agitated. "What happened to PX4142?"

"Ma'am you just have to wait", the worker replies.

"I've been waiting for 3 hours!", she yells.

The worker looks at her and just shrugs in a way that tells her that's just the way it is. The lady gets more agitated. She's been sitting so long her ass doesn't even hurt anymore, it's numb. Finally, her number gets called and she jumps up like a contestant on The Price Is Right.

"Number PX4142, come on down!". Only, she's not playing for "A new car!" or an all expense paid trip to some exotic locale. She's playing so that maybe, just maybe, her kids can eat tonight and she can avoid being evicted and living on the street.

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I wish I had something clever to put here

silverwriter

My first request - put spaces between the paragraphs. It's easier to read that way.

You've got = You have got = redundant. You have is perfectly fine on it's own.

When someone new speaks, they each get a new paragraph. You may know this, you might not. If you do know this, proofread before posting. Just because this is a critique site doesn't make it any less important for good presentation. Same goes for proofreading in regards to capitalization.

When you put a comma after 'or' that means what follows is a complete sentence or an addition which will also be followed by a comma. Basically, you don't need a comma here: "A new car!" or, an

There are other little basics that need cleaning up, but I think you can get them all.

This is funny and has a lot of potential.

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RyeCatcher24

Thanks for the critique Silver. I was beginning to think no one would critique it. I definitely see what you are talking about. Punctuation has always been a problem of mine. I'm glad you found it funny. I tried to make it funny and a little sad at the same time. I will get to work on those corrections. Thanks again. If anyone else has a critique I would love to hear it.

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I wish I had something clever to put here

bettyann

Hi RyeCatcher, I didn't really find this piece funny. Desperation is not funny. It is a clear picture of an otherwise intelligent woman coping with a drudgery that she feels she has to in order to live. I wonder what is going to happen to her next? What ever you have done to improve your text, as it stands now it presents no problems that impede understanding.

betty

silverwriter

No problem. I can't help myself in stopping back and saying that desperation usually isn't all that funny, but the way we over-form, over-dramatize, over-file, etc seemingly everything in our lives is. That's why I like about this piece - it pokes fun at the utterly frustrating nature of such a system.

Still needs a little proofing, but good improvements.

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