Phantom - Writers Forum

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-10-2007, 02:32 PM

“Don’t be afraid.” My hand reaches into the darkness of the alley. The cool air of midnight brushes against my palm. I know she is there. She is always in the dark corner of the alley. “I will not hurt you.” A glimmer of light glances off the silver bracelet she wears, and I feel the dirt covered hand slip into mine.

We stay there for a few minutes, feeling the warmth of one another’s skin. I am terrified to pull her from the darkness. I have only looked at her eyes once before. They were wild. Beautifully wild. I’ve always wanted to talk to her, to ask what happened.

I feel her start to pull away. My silence has made her uncomfortable. “Wait.” I pull her into the light of the street lamp. She is shorter than I imagined. I have only ever seen her sitting on a mat of cardboard. Her black hair smells like a mixture of stale beer and old banana peels. The dirt on her face has been carved into canyons by streams of tears.

“Are you hungry?” She doesn’t say anything. I am not even sure if she can comprehend the question. How long has it been since someone took the chance to acknowledge her existence. So, I lead her silently to the diner at the end of the street.

This is where I purchased all the sandwiches for her. The familiar smell of a warm roast beef subs seems to spark something in her eyes. Her cheeks become bubbles on the top of a wide grin.

Inside a few people stare at her mismatched converse all stars, and flannel shirtdress. I lead her past them to a booth in the back. Looking at her from across the table is exhilarating. I have always wanted to do this, and now I have. My last night in town, I am doing what I have wanted to do for five years.

“You want a roast beef sandwich? Like the ones I bring you sometimes?” For the first time she looks into my eyes.

“I,” her voice cracks. I wonder how long it has been since she has spoken to someone. “I don’t like roast beef. I’m sorry.”

I can feel my cheeks growing hot with embarrassment. “Why didn’t you say something?” It is a stupid question.

“I didn’t want you to stop coming down the alley.” She begins to play with her bracelet, spinning it around her thin wrist.

“I could have brought you something else. What would you like now? You can have anything you want?”

“Apple pie?” I can tell she is scared to ask.

“Of course!” The waitress comes and goes. My hamburger and her apple pie arrive before I find the courage to speak again. “What is your name?”

“Olivia.”

Olivia.

“I am Randall. Rand for short.” She is shoveling down the pie. A flake of crust hangs from her lower lip. I want to cry. I didn’t know it would be this hard. I pull the pamphlets I picked up from the shelter out of my back pocket and slide them across the table. “I picked these up for you. I thought they might help you get back on your feet.”

She moves her finger across the glossy paper of the pamphlet. It stops on the picture of a man and woman standing together in front of a blue house. “I saw a moving van. You are leaving?”

I realize she has been watching me as much as I watch her. “Yeah, moving up to DC for a job. I wanted to, well, say goodbye before I left.”

“Oh.” I can see her swallow hard as her eyes start to shine.

“Are you okay?” I reach out and cover her hand. She looks at my fingers amazed.

“I cry a lot.”

“Why?”

“It hurts.” A tear crests her eyelid and begins to make its way down her cheek. I rub my thumb over her finger in an attempt to comfort her.

“Is there anything I can do?”

She looks up at me abruptly. What did I say wrong? “Yes, but it is not fair to ask.”

“Of course it is. I will do what I can.”

She swallows and wipes the crust away from her mouth. Her eyes move slowly back to my hand wresting on hers. “Save me from this place. I am so alone.” I don’t know what to say, so I stare at her dumbfounded. She looks up at me, her eyes bubbling over with pain. “Love me,” she pleads.

What am I supposed to say? This is crazy. Love her? I reach for logic. “I, well, you have seen Amy.”

“The woman with the red hair?”

“Yes. We’re engaged.”

“It is okay. I knew it was too good of a dream to be true. They all are.”

What have I done? “I need to go to the restroom. Do you want something else?”

“No.” She looks at me and smiles. It is a bittersweet gesture.

There is an old man in the bathroom washing his hands. His sun-weathered face makes him look sad and tired. Me someday, I think. I go into the stall and lean against the door. I just need a minute to figure this all out.

I decide to give her thirty dollars. I know it isn’t much, but it is all the cash I have. I roll up the money, and squeeze it into the palm of my hand as I walk out of the restroom. But, the booth is empty. Her silver bracelet is lying where the pamphlet was. I pick it up. The metal is cold. Inside is an inscription, ‘I will always love you.’

Outside it is starting to rain. I’m tired, and hurry home to my apartment. I don’t know why, but for the first time in five years I don’t look down the alley. I lay in bed awake the rest of the night regretting it, picturing the dirt slowly being washed away from her face by the rain.

The next morning I walk to an ATM and withdraw five hundred dollars I was going to use for new furniture. I walk to the alley and see her cardboard mat. There is no one there. I ask another bum who frequents the alley if he has seen her.

“Who?” He replies.

Paige Turner · 08-10-2007, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Her cheeks become bubbles on the top of a wide grin.

That line made me smile.

The whole story was poetically sad and had that air of mystery about it. A few spelling errors, but that comes with the territory, as we all know.

And the story reiterates the age old lesson of do it now, tomorrow might be too late.
A good story, Charlie.
I tried very hard to critique it, but I just can't.

Lost in Some Story · 08-10-2007, 05:15 PM

Charlie Eleanor,

I really liked this. You have this knack for turning simple stories into sorts of emotional wrecking balls. There's all this drama hidden here behind the simple prose. It works well.

Like Paige Turner said before, go back for spelling mistakes. That's all I can offer you.

OH! And why is this in File 13?

Lost

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-10-2007, 05:17 PM

Well, I thought it sucked, lol.

SeanFields · 08-10-2007, 05:27 PM

I cried a little.....

You captured this well....

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-10-2007, 05:29 PM

gosh, thank you all so much. Now if I could just spell I would be on top of the world, lol.

JayLampert · 08-10-2007, 06:54 PM

Charlie this was brilliant but you've used an idea I had

!!

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-10-2007, 06:58 PM

oh no! I'm sure if you wrote it, it would be better than this. I just wrote it on a whim.

But, as they say, great minds think alike! J

Rumrunner · 08-26-2007, 04:52 AM

I first read this a couple of days ago. Been thinking about it ever since. I have to say, this is probably in my top three or four favourite things that I've ever read on here. Don't know why you...

Quote:

thought it sucked

but IMO it's very good. It develops intriguing characters in a very short period of time, and although neither character really "goes anywhere" in the course of the text, the progression of a character arc is implied in both cases and the absence of writer-imposed detail leads to reader involvement that makes it all the more intriguing. While I like the title, I think you might possibly even strengthen the ambiguity of the ending by choosing one that doesn't tend to guide the reader's interpretation of it. The idea that she was a phantom was a little too strongly set in my mind through the entire course of the text, and I think it might have been more intriguing if it was left to subtle implication.

It's also really depressing. I'm gonna go drink something now... or maybe several things.

Cheers,

Rumrunner

Due on Maple Street · 08-28-2007, 04:54 PM

Intriguing is the first thought. You use emotion and mystery well. A good read.

Ion · 08-29-2007, 04:37 PM

That was great! =D>

dlarkinc · 08-30-2007, 10:27 AM

Very nice. Emotional, for sure. Maybe Olivia turns up on page 50, just when Randall is getting married to Amy - puts a spanner in Randall's works, so to speak.

Maybe you should file this one away somewhere other that File 13 - it's a story waiting to be told when you are in the right frame of mind, perhaps.

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-30-2007, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dlarkinc

Very nice. Emotional, for sure. Maybe Olivia turns up on page 50, just when Randall is getting married to Amy - puts a spanner in Randall's works, so to speak.

Maybe you should file this one away somewhere other that File 13 - it's a story waiting to be told when you are in the right frame of mind, perhaps.

Thanks dlarkinc. I have realized since posting this that it is actually something I'd like to explore further. Although, I don't think Olivia will ever show back up. If anything this is the ending to something, not the beginning.

Thanks so much for everyone's kind comments!

smilinghelps · 08-30-2007, 01:05 PM

That would be a shame to end something here. They just met. I'm sure this isn't the beginning, but it doesn't feel like the end. There's a great story here. You ability to capture emotion Charlie, is excellent.