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| File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here. |
04-06-2007, 08:13 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2
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Lunchtime
Wrote this a while ago and found it while cleaning out my folder. Any comments?
Lunchtime
The cars sped by, blue, black, silver, white
I set my speckled brown, cracked down the middle tray on the wobbling cafeteria table
and leaned so far back in the splintered blue plastic chair
I fell
And then glowing metal sticks reached up
trees into the tiled off white sky
Contorted creaking plastic loomed in alien monstrosity, inches from my face
and patches of eyes and hands and shirt sleeves
glowed through spaces in steel foliage
The blurs of human hues blended behind cool metal cages
fingers grasped shining silver bars in white knuckled desperation
Eyes bored through mazes
of unforgiving intertwining steel
I gasped and fumbled for a handle hold to pick myself up
the table edge bit into my hand
I fell into my cracked plastic seat and stared at faces collaged in awkward juxtaposition against resolute edges and manufactured meals
amongst identical seats and surfaces and smiles
The bars didn’t go away.
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04-07-2007, 09:17 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: sunny scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 395
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hmm, i'm afrad you're going to have to explaint it too me. i think i'm a bit to thick to understand the premice. so he fell of a chair and he's in prison? sorry, nie comphrede.
other than my own stupidness i think it's pretty good, well written. but the subject put me off a bit (as i didn't really understand it) 
__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)
Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.
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04-07-2007, 08:22 PM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
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I have to say, I was a little confused as well, but this piece definitely has potential. Certain parts I found didn't flow as well as they could have - "set my speckled brown, cracked..." cracked what? it's missing something. and "tiled off white sky" - this has 2 things that kind of confused me about it. 1, the "tiled" not sure what exactly you mean, and 2, "offwhite" - I keep wanting to put this as offwhite, or off-white (for some reason it feels like it should be read as one word.) I can't remember the phrase, although it's on the tip of my toungue..
but anyway. overallL? I'd like to see this expanded, because it has a really fantastic ending.
laurie.
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04-08-2007, 09:59 AM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: sunny scotland.
Gender: Male
Posts: 395
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don't get me wring, i think it's good.
i read it thrice but still don't get it. i'd appricate to know what it's about.
__________________
(Please don't take my advice too seriously)
Oh Vanity, thy number is 19.
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04-18-2007, 01:18 AM
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#5
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Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Australia?
Gender: Female
Posts: 3
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bizare. But there's a lot of intriguing substance to it. It could be interpreted in a lot of different ways
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05-09-2007, 04:51 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: East coast of Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 260
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I liked it, the bars didn't go away, very good thanks for sharing.
__________________
When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you: Friedrich Nietzsche.
I live in a cemetery full of good will and integrity: Silverchair
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05-10-2007, 09:56 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: United States
Gender: Female
Posts: 149
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Hmm... didn't quite understand it. But it was intriguing.
__________________
"They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever."
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