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File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here.

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Old 04-06-2007, 08:13 PM   #1
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Lunchtime

Wrote this a while ago and found it while cleaning out my folder. Any comments?



Lunchtime



The cars sped by, blue, black, silver, white
I set my speckled brown, cracked down the middle tray on the wobbling cafeteria table
and leaned so far back in the splintered blue plastic chair
I fell


And then glowing metal sticks reached up
trees into the tiled off white sky
Contorted creaking plastic loomed in alien monstrosity, inches from my face
and patches of eyes and hands and shirt sleeves
glowed through spaces in steel foliage


The blurs of human hues blended behind cool metal cages
fingers grasped shining silver bars in white knuckled desperation
Eyes bored through mazes
of unforgiving intertwining steel


I gasped and fumbled for a handle hold to pick myself up
the table edge bit into my hand
I fell into my cracked plastic seat and stared at faces collaged in awkward juxtaposition against resolute edges and manufactured meals
amongst identical seats and surfaces and smiles


The bars didn’t go away.
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Old 04-07-2007, 09:17 AM   #2
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hmm, i'm afrad you're going to have to explaint it too me. i think i'm a bit to thick to understand the premice. so he fell of a chair and he's in prison? sorry, nie comphrede.

other than my own stupidness i think it's pretty good, well written. but the subject put me off a bit (as i didn't really understand it)
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Old 04-07-2007, 08:22 PM   #3
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I have to say, I was a little confused as well, but this piece definitely has potential. Certain parts I found didn't flow as well as they could have - "set my speckled brown, cracked..." cracked what? it's missing something. and "tiled off white sky" - this has 2 things that kind of confused me about it. 1, the "tiled" not sure what exactly you mean, and 2, "offwhite" - I keep wanting to put this as offwhite, or off-white (for some reason it feels like it should be read as one word.) I can't remember the phrase, although it's on the tip of my toungue..

but anyway. overallL? I'd like to see this expanded, because it has a really fantastic ending.
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Old 04-08-2007, 09:59 AM   #4
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don't get me wring, i think it's good.

i read it thrice but still don't get it. i'd appricate to know what it's about.
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Old 04-18-2007, 01:18 AM   #5
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bizare. But there's a lot of intriguing substance to it. It could be interpreted in a lot of different ways
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:51 PM   #6
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I liked it, the bars didn't go away, very good thanks for sharing.
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Old 05-10-2007, 09:56 PM   #7
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Hmm... didn't quite understand it. But it was intriguing.
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