Shven

Ok, I started to write this story sometime last year but eventually I just sort of gave up on it.



Darnell Orelas had been born into a rich and noble family, though he was anything but. Even at birth he was marked as an outcast. He was born under the constellation of the shadow which in many cultures meant exile from the civilized world. In some ways Darnell already was a pariah. As soon as he was able he had abandoned his life of riches and bureaucracy and dove into the world of darkness and adventure.

As much as he despised the materialistic world he had left, Darnell was, ironically, a treasure hunter. But he was not in it for the payoff; he was in it for the adventure. He lived for the moments that made the adrenaline charge through his veins. He felt the most alive in the moments where he was close to death. The excitement of danger was the treasure that Darnell sought in the dark places of the world.

Darnell was preparing to enter one of those dark places he so loved. He went through a check of equipment just as he had done so many times before. He was dressed in simple leather armor, made of specially darkened buckskin and covered in an intricate network of belts and buckles. Covering his head was a raggedy black hood that covered his face in such a way that only his eyes were visible. It gave him a sinister air, but was perfect for staying undetected.

Attached to one of the multiple belts near his midriff was a short-sword known as Draken. This was a very special blade and ranked among Darnell’s most prized possessions. It was made of a special alloy that was so smooth it seemed that nothing dared come near it, not even light, but rather went around it. It was blacker than the darkest corner of the universe; it appeared as though it was a solid manifestation of the void. Draken had an evil history of corrupting its owner until the will of the sword and the wielder were synonymous. That will usually meant widespread death and destruction, but Darnell was not worried. He rarely wore the sword for extended periods, and had trouble believing a mere object could corrupt his actions.

Below Draken, near his ankle was strapped the last piece of his former life. It was a small dagger that his family had used ceremonially for generations. On it was stamped the Orelas family seal. Darnell had toyed with the idea of destroying it, but could not bring himself to do it. He rationalized this by the fact that it had come in useful in his travels, but deep down he knew this was not the reason he kept it.

On his back was a beautifully carved bow and quiver. He had found it on a trip much like the one he was about to embark on. Deep in the bowels of the earth, it had been well guarded. It had a golden leaf and foliage pattern carved along its limbs that gracefully melded to form an ergonomic handle. The quiver was carved to match and was accented with deep burgundy. The bow was unnaturally light and unbelievably strong, but took relatively little strength to draw. Resting in the quiver was a score of glass tipped arrows. These arrows were rarely ever reusable because the glass shattered on impact. This made them expensive albeit efficient to use.

Darnell’s hands then went to the many pockets on the belt around his waist. In most of the pockets rested a ring. Each ring had a different effect that, when worn, would help Darnell in some way. One would allow him to hold his breath for longer periods of time; another would act as a never faltering light source, and many more. Each of these rings were worth a fortune, but Darnell kept them solely for their practical merit.

Satisfied he had everything, Darnell made toward the entrance of the elven ruin before him.

“Here we go,” he whispered to himself as his gloved hand reached towards the ancient stone door.

When his hand came into contact with the door, it slid back on its own accord. These ruins were filled with primordial magic; this one was one of the more docile ones.

Taking a breath, Darnell slipped into the shadow.


My question is, should I try to finish it? Or just let it die?

(PS, why won't my indentations stay where I put them?)

DabigJimdogg0

You lost me from the very start, you know why? Because this is not a story, it's a summary. You're telling us everything, forcing it down our throats instead of gradually forming the character like a mold of clay. He was rich? Okay, there's better ways to tell us than "He was rich" that keeps the reader's attention. For example: "His suits were pressed, made by the finest designer with a name half the world couldn't even pronounce. But inside, of those clothes, under the fake visage of an upper class business man, was a common man looking for a common life." A little more gripping I think, the key is to read and learn from what you're reading. Read not just good things but awful pieces too so you know what to avoid when you're writing that you would have otherwise put in and what to work in. Best of luck!

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We are the children of the Nightmares.

mechanical_lullaby

"In some ways Darnell already was a pariah"-- tell me why he was a pariah
"As much as he despised the materialistic world he had left, Darnell was, ironically, a treasure hunter." Why did he despise it?
"He lived for the moments that made the adrenaline charge through his veins. He felt the most alive in the moments where he was close to death." When had he felt this? Examples and such, a short little story about how one time he'd been climbing in the mountains and found what he'd needed and then... slipped. You need to go more into it to allow the reader to get closer to Darnell, passions and all.
I agree that it's more of a summary, but what you only have to do is explain. Go into it. I received the best piece of advice that I'd ever gotten, albeit I was angry with the guy who gave it to me at the moment, because it was a comic that had taken me a couple days to do-- but the advice was: Spoonfeed the reader. Just keep that in mind, kay?.

Tundra Belle

Hi there, Shven, can you handle one more opinion?

What you have here are the fabulous makings of the classic fantasy tale wherein rich son of noble lineage seeks his own destiny. What you've written...is backstory. And backstory, or summary, is a very important part of any novel.

Everything you've written here are things that have to be revealed gradually in order to develop the mystique that will keep the reader reading. You don't want to give everything away at the very beginning of the story.

In my humble opinion, your story actually starts with Darnell's leave-taking. Drop the reader into that mystery, and string out the others as you come to them: the specifics of his birth, why he's disgruntled, the bow, the rings, those delicious glass-tipped arrows, etc. Mystery is key. Mystery is what draws readers into the story and keeps them turning the pages.

So get him moving on his journey first. Fill our senses with what he sees, smells, hears, his emotion on leaving, though not necessarily why he's leaving. String us along as you go. Make sense?

You have the beginnings of a fantastic story here. But a story is like a piece of cloth. You've gathered together a lot of loose threads. Now you have to weave them into a fabric, drawing the reader in as you do.

One minor nitpick. Orelas is an excellent name. Darnell...hmmmm...lose it. It doesn't have the fantasy edge that Orelas has.

Cheers,

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T-Belle
Keep it simple, make it move.

Tundra Belle

I'm not sure "ergonomics" is a word you want to use in a fantasy. Seems a little anachronistic to me, definitely specialized outside the suspected timeframe.

Cheers again,

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T-Belle
Keep it simple, make it move.