A Nameless aand Insane Short Story. - Writers Forum

Jason_Bender · 09-15-2006, 07:03 AM

I wrote this a couple months ago. It was the first piece of writing I had done in a long time. It's about...well...you just have to read it.

“Have you ever been here before?” She asks.

“No, Never.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

She had a look of disbelief on her face. He knew that it was a hard thing to believe, everybody attended these “parties.”

“I find that really hard to believe.”

“Why?”

“Because…these parties are so popular. Even the government encourages them.”

He laughed. “That’s because they use them to control us.” She seemed to find that very funny, because she broke into hysterics. “No, seriously, they use these places to test the effects of new drugs.”

“Do you know that for a fact?”

“No.”

He managed to find his drink and downed it in one gulp. He felt her soft skin rub against his.

“Here take this.” She was behind him, and had her arm wrapped around him to show him the tiny pill she had in her hand. He looked down and strained his eyes to see it. It was purple, and a perfect sphere.

“What is it?” he said.

She shoved it into his mouth, and he swallowed it.

“How very…..dry.” he said.

“Those things kick in fast, ad you probably shouldn’t drink anymore alcohol.”

“How many of those have you taken?”

“This is my first time taking that particular pill.”

He twisted around so he could look at her. The foil of her skirt and her top reflected the strobes and colored lights of the club. People everywhere were standing with the same gaze that he just realized he had on his face. With every flash of the strobes the crowed changed to demons, then monsters, then demons again. He felt as though they were wondering whether they should just kill him or eat him.

The music bounced through his head, and amplified itself. Its rhythm, affected the heartbeat of the entire room, and the people were the blood cells, constantly moving and vibrating and being pumped away and then pulled back again.

The walls began breathing. Expanding and deflating and expanding and deflating again, and the music blared and the room breathed and somebody was controlling the whole damn thing.

“I….I can’t breathe!” He said. He was choking. The walls stopped moving, and everything began to fade.

“I need air!” he shouted. Then that girl came back. Where the hell had she been? Why had she left him?

“How about the roof?”

“Roof?” he sounded like a dog.

“Yeah, the roof.”

“Okay, sure. The roof.”

There was no door separating the roof from the building, it was just a ramp, and climbing it sucked the life out of him and pushed it all to his head where it exploded out of his mouth and nostrils with the force of a high-powered hose.

He looked out at the city. The green-gray smog that always hung over it seemed even more green now, the city lights looked so much brighter that it gave him a headache.

“Is that incredible or what?”

He spun around so fast that it made his head spin. Once again he had forgotten about the girl he had met when he first entered this hell hole. Only an hour ago, but it seemed like thousands of years. Now she was ascending the ramp, and the lights from the city reflected off of her outfit and it made her glow. He understood now. She was an angel.

No, it’s the lights.

He didn’t pay any attention to that part of his brain that was still thinking sensibly. She floated across the roof towards the edge.

“Are you an angel?”

“Maybe. I sure feel like one.” She replied.

“So…can you fly then?”

“I feel like I can. Does that count?”

“I think so.” He said. She turned and looked at him and held out her hand. He felt the urge to kiss her. He suddenly realized he didn’t know her name.

“Do you want to find out?”

“Yes.” He took her hand and they stepped onto the raised edge of the roof.

Don’t be stupid.

He looked down at the street far below. Traffic was packed, and people were honking and making all kinds of terrible un-human noises.

Don’t jump!

He continued to ignore that voice. He realized that there was someone else on the roof with them.

“Hey, wow, are you gonna jump?”

They both turned to look at him, then they looked back down at the street.

“Do you trust me?” she said.

“You’re an angel….how could I not?”

Don’t be a fucking moron. Call the police and tell them to put you in a cell for the rest of the night.

He was going to jump.

Don’t jump.

She was going to jump with him.

Don’t jump!

And together they were going to fly.

Don’t jump!

He jumped…

But the lights were so beautiful…

WisdomSeeker · 09-15-2006, 08:20 AM

An interesting little story.
Not so bad...easy read.

I certainly would pull it out of file 13 and iron it up a bit though.
Don't put out the spark before it has a chance to fire up a bit.

Only thing I got stuck with was this:

"He spun around so fast that it made his head spin. Once again he had forgotten about the girl he had met when he first entered this hell hole. Only an hour ago, but it seemed like thousands of years."

Of course, if he spun around so fast his head would spin...perhaps he pivoted, or his head whirled...or something like that. Also..."...hole. Only an hour ago, but..." had trouble flowing from one sentence to the other here. Maybe it's just a punctuation thing...

All in all...not a bad write.
Stay away from those purple pills, my friend...and angels shouldn't be talking to people right now...they don't have permission!

Thanks for sharing!
Peace, hippie friend!
~ws~

Jason_Bender · 09-15-2006, 04:32 PM

Yeah, I definately see what you're saying. When I wrote it, I was just writing something to pass the time, not writing anything in particular, then more things came to mind, and I got really tied up in it and I fell in love with it. It only took me an afternoon and a few hours of my morning.

Oh also, I really need a title. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Sigur Rós · 09-15-2006, 06:00 PM

I liked it very much as well. I thought it would however, have been much better if you made it longer and put more description. And I'd really like to know why he went to the party and so forth. I'd love to read again if you edit it or make it longer at all, so please PM me if you do. Lastly you should come up with the name.Whats the point of writing a story and not having the fun in making a name.

Jason_Bender · 09-16-2006, 12:09 AM

I didn't add a whole lot of detail to give the sense of confusion and chaos. I plan on working on it some more and putting it in the short story section soon. Also, I need a title.

Quillpen · 10-26-2006, 04:55 PM

Fairly good.You could def make it better as the others said though.I would suggest the title "angels flight", "demon pill",Shining angel", "The last party,or "The first,and the last" Those are the only I can think of.Use at your own risk.