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cold cuts - a one minute play
a little something I knocked up and forgot about...
THE STAGE IS IN DARKNESS. THE SILENCE IS BROKEN BY A SOFT GROAN, THE SOUND OF FUMBLING AND THEN THE SOUND OF A LIGHTER BEING LIT.
SPOT LIGHT ONLY ON CENTRE STAGE ILLUMINATING TWO YOUNG MEN. ONE IS SITTING UP. THE OTHER APPEARS UNCONSCIOUS NEXT TO HIM. THE LIGHTER IS APPEARING TO LIGHT THE STAGE.
KEV Trev? (Concerned) Trev! (Shaking Trev) You all right?
TREV GROANS THEN SITS UP
TREV Yeah…I think so. You okay?
KEV I’m okay…Listen I don’t mean to worry you. I mean I’m not an expert or anything, but this doesn’t look good to me. (Looking around)
TREV (Looking around) How the hell did we get here?
KEV The question is where is here…exactly?
TREV Dunno. It feels big. Dark init?
KEV Cold an all. We must have got here somehow? What’s the last thing you remember.
TREV I remember that woman going nuts at us…then…then nothin.
KEV That’s it! I’m never drinking with Nicky Arbuckle again
THE LIGHTS GO OUT AS THE LIGHTER FAILS. THERE THE SOUND OF PANIC AND THE SPOT LIGHT RETURNS AS THE LIGHTER IS RELIT. THE TWO LADS ARE OBVIOUSLY RELIEVED.
TREV Hey Kev…What’s that?
KEV Wha? Wha?
THE TWO LADS STAND UP AND MOVE TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE. THE SPOT LIGHT MOVES WITH THEM. THE LIGHTING REVEALS A GIANT TOMATO.
TREV Jesus! That’s the biggest friggin tomato I’ve ever seen.(pause while they inspect the tomato) I have to say that I am getting seriously freaked out about now.
KEV I think…I think we’d better get out of here. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.
TREV (Almost crying) No…No don’t say that… only bad things ever happen when people say that.
KEV I mean it Trev…I think I know what’s going on.
TREV I don’t want to know.
KEV What else did that woman say?
TREV She…she said we were a pair of nobheads.
KEV And?
TREV She said we should watch where we were going.
KEV And?
TREV (sharp intake of breath) she said…she said…
LIGHTS UP TO REVEAL THE INSIDE OF A FRIDGE WITH GIANT JARS OF MAYONAISE, PICCALILLI, LETTUCE ETC
TREV & KEV (in unison) She’d eat us alive! Argh!
LIGHTS DOWN
The end
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StarPanda - "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde 
Just doing the dirty deed!
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