Red Eye - Writers Forum

Daniel Malone · 06-25-2006, 06:44 PM

A very short story.

RED EYE

A voice boomed out of the radio, the same demonic child-like voice they had heard many times. Everyone in the cabin jumped at the sudden blast of the evil voice speaking, "You can't hide", blaring across the radio waves.

"God! I thought we would be safe out here... of all places, we can't be found way out here!" Jack yelled than swiped the radio off the counter top in a fit of anger, sending it crashing against the wall. The radio became silent.

His wife Jen and son Tommy still frightened by the loud radio blast, cringed at his out burst of anger and the sound of the radio smacking the wall.

"Jack, now we can't hear what's going on." Jen said concerned. Jack saw her cringe after she said this and he knew she expected him to lash out at her. Jack had been grouchy lately and he knew it, but with everything that has happened, who could blame him.

"I am sorry Jen, Tommy... come here." He said as he opened his arms toward his family. Jack’s wife fell into his arms and she squeezed his neck tightly. Tommy just stood staring at them. It became evident to Jack that something had happened to Tommy.

Jack noticed Tommy's eyes slanted in an evil manner. He watched over Jen's shoulder as Tommy’s eyes turned bright red. "Now Tommy has the red eye?” his mind screamed.

Now he had to do something because his son had the red eye and now was evil. Jack had learned not to trust anyone lately. But this was Tommy, little Tommy his son that he pushed on the swing, and taught to ride a bike, and read bedtime stories to, and kissed every morning and night. Now, It had him to.

The Evil One got everyone they knew, through the children. Somehow the entity would use the children as a "window" in which to kill the adults. "Evil One", "Entity" was just some of the words used to describe this horror that is presently destroying the entire adult population on Earth. But Jack thought of it as Satan because it came from deep within the Earth.

Unfortunately, Jack had seen several children with the "Red Eye" and he knew what was happening to his precious son. It’s the reason they ran to hide in their secluded cabin. He had to act fast before it was too late.

"Did you think you could get away?" said the red-eyed Tommy in the same evil voice that came from the radio. Jack watched Tommy's mouth form a snarl and his eyes glow brighter.

"No!" His wife yelled as she buried her face in his shoulder and began to sob. Jack knew she couldn't look at their son because Tommy’s tone of voice told what happened to him.

Jack quickly swung his wife around to face Tommy head on. He knew he had one chance and he had to take it. As he shielded his wife from Tommy he reached into his pocket and produced a packet of salt.

Just than Tommy lunged at him with curled fingers that had sprouted long claws. Jack tried to tear open the salt packet but he found himself on his back in an instant, and could feel the sharp pain as Tommy's claws dug into his neck. Jack choked from the pain and pressure on his larynx, but finally opened the salt packet.

Luckily Tommy didn't weight much at the age of eight years old and Jack was able to turn, and dump Tommy's body partially off his. But his sharp claws held their grip and began tearing the flesh of his neck, causing blood to flow.

Jack poured the salt into his hand as he struggled, but spilled some of onto the floor. Than he managed to blow what was left into Tommy's eyes. He knew, once one got the red eye, they couldn’t take salt because it shriveled their eyes like prunes and made them blind.

"Ouch... oohh." Tommy screamed in pain as he stopped choking his father and put his hands to his face to rub his eyes. "You can't get away!" Tommy yelled.

"Come on." Jack said as he grabbed his wife’s hand and pulled Jen onto her feet. Jack saw the look of mortification as she stared at their precious son writhing on the floor in pain, rubbing his eyes. "We have to get out of here, the Devil has him to. It’s too late Jen." Jack urged Jen with a pull on her hand.

He kept pulling on his wife's arm until they stumbled out of the cabin, and into the hot, stale air. Jack didn't know the extent of Satan's power but the fissure he opened in getting to the surface let out tremendous heat that warmed the entire planet.

Jack looked into the sky and realized the red sky had finally reached their location. The redness of the sky was something that billowed out of Satan’s Fissure, as everyone was calling it, and began to fan out in all directions of the globe. He had hoped it would stop and not get this far, but he was wrong.

“Oh God Jen… We can’t keep running. Tommy will be after us soon and he will have the “night sight”.” Jack said as he put his arm around Jen and they looked into the sky.

The night sight came after their red eyes shriveled and with this sight they could see anything, even the deep thoughts of your mind. When they were like this it was over for the victim because they knew your every move. Jack looked back at the cabin door and saw Tommy appear. “Damn” he thought and almost started to run, but something begin happening in the sky.

They watched as the deep red sky parted into a large dark opening filled with many brilliant stars. Jack could see a small speck of light that got bigger and bigger, and he realized it was coming at them.

“Jen, I love you. We can’t run and we can’t hide…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he felt his wife jerked from his grip. It was Tommy and he had his claws dug into her neck.

Jack watched her struggle and as soon as the thought came to his mind to help, Tommy spoke, “Don’t do anything! It won’t help her. Besides the Master wants to speak to you.”

Just then Jack looked up and saw what the approaching light was; a ghastly and huge creature with wings, talons, horns and covered in black scales that somehow glowed. Jack beheld the most despicable creature ever known to mankind, and fell to his knees trembling in fear. He watched as the grotesque creature lifted his son into his arms than spoke.

“Welcome to your hell Jack! You, and you alone is the last man alive on Earth, and in this way, you will live out your days until you die!” The creature cackled than disappeared like a flash of lightening back into the split sky leaving Jack alone, on his knees, sobbing.

ConorMB · 06-30-2006, 05:05 PM

Alright, not trying to sound like a dick or anything, but two things.
Very well done, nicely written etc. etc.
Two complaints
1. The second I saw this title I thought about Shamylan's movie. Red Eye.
2. It seems every horror like story has the main charecter named Jack with a son and wife...Shining comes to mind...as well as Cell (even though his names Clay not Jack, he still has a wife and son)

Thats my input
Cheers
Conor

Daniel Malone · 06-30-2006, 06:12 PM

Thanks for the comments. I didn't think anyone would read it.

FollowingShadow · 07-14-2006, 12:13 AM

Nah, I did. =)

I really liked the concept, but it's a bit deformed (as you know, if you posted it here).

I liked the idea, though. It needs a lot of things (most importantly some background), but if you want to pursue it, I'd say it might be worth your time.

Le Fantome de L`Opera · 08-15-2006, 08:56 PM

In response to ConorB's reply, and I'm sorry I just have to say this. The movie Red Eye wasn't a Shyamalan film. It was done by Wes Craven. In response to the story, I thought it was pretty good. Sort of like Cabin Fever combined with a Dean Koontz book I read called Winter Moon. Ironically enough, the father in Winter Moon was named Jack and his son was named Tommy. Go figure!

Daniel Malone · 08-16-2006, 07:27 AM

I have never read or watched the movie, and I swear it is pure coincidence. Thanks for the info.

I'm going to fix the ending and flesh it out a bit, and may take it out of file 13.

starpanda · 08-16-2006, 08:09 AM

Hi

Just a few thoughts on your story - Good beginning - it goes right into the action and suspense. I like the juxtaposition of the demonic but child like voice - It has a good fast moving pace, with short and snappy paragraphs. I like the concept very much and I too think that is worth some continued work.

The dialogue for Tommy "Ouch... oohh.", doesn't feel right, I know Tommy is a child, but he has been taken over by the most evil force in the universe - Would an almost inhuman gutteral scream from the child Jack brought into the world be more appropriate? (just a suggestion - what do I know?)

If you are going to work on an ending and some background, may I suggest that you put something in earlier as to why being the last man alive on earth would be Jacks idea of a living hell.

...and one last throw away line - Jen is a bit of a damp squid. I know her world and her family is falling apart, it might be nice to see her either fighting back, or totally devastated before she croaks.

I would loveto read any future drafts

Hugs and stuff
SP

Fantasy of You · 08-17-2006, 07:39 AM

Quote:

A voice boomed out of the radio, the same demonic child-like voice they had heard many times. Everyone in the cabin jumped at the sudden blast of the evil voice speaking, "You can't hide", blaring across the radio waves.

The concept of the intro is good, the delivery could porbably use some work. If you want to hook reader, IMO, start with 'Everyone in the cabin jumped as the sudden static blasted from the radio. 'You can't hide.' The child-like voice seemed demonic.' Or something. I just think it seems.. unstructured as it is. Anyhoo, it's just my opinion, it's a really nice concept!

Quote:

in a fit of anger

Strike this. It's better for a reader to sense the anger, than be told it's there. Him throwing the radiot on the floor, coupled with what he says, tells me all I need to know.

Quote:

Now he had to do something because his son had the red eye and now was evil. Jack had learned not to trust anyone lately. But this was Tommy, little Tommy his son that he pushed on the swing, and taught to ride a bike, and read bedtime stories to, and kissed every morning and night. Now, It had him to.

I think this should be a lot more emotive for what is happened. A lot more moving, more powerful. The boy, his son, who he loves. is possessed. He has the red eye ect. This should be a lot more powerful. The whole 'but this was Tommy, little Tommy his son...' doesn't do it for me. You are trying to force me to see his father's thoughts, but it doesn't work. It's a really nice beginning for the emotion, but it doesn't work alone. I want more, much more.

This is just a draft, and a really good one. I think you should go over it all, see if you can think what they would be thinking in panic ect. Say their words aloud and see if it's realistic. As it is, it's pretty good, but everything can be improved. Go through your grammer too, especially in the dialogue, there are a few errors.

Anyway, yea, good work! I enjoyed it. PM me when you have the second draft/ finished piece, okay?

-Fantasy

Daniel Malone · 08-17-2006, 07:23 PM

Thanks for all the comments! The story was written in less than 24 hrs for a short story contest and had to be less than 900 words. I didn't win, but since the story has potential then I decided on a re-write.

Quillpen · 10-27-2006, 04:38 PM

Fairly good.You might also want to mention why the salt is important,and how children,got red eye.