I wrote this in response to the fact I am not photogenic and hate having my picture taken. Might as well laugh at myself.
The Picture of Dorian Gray’s Ugly Sister
It was truly a frightening spectacle. One that could only be witnessed by those who, after having downed a couple of Irish whiskeys and said a prayer to whatever god they believed in, mustered up enough strength. Even then, there was the feeling of dread as the picture loomed into view. It was the most ghastly sight one could imagine and it was said that one glimpse of it would drive vermin from homes that pest control professionals had deemed hopeless.
By chance, it made its way onto the internet, causing computers to literally begin spontaneous combustion and toilets to flush all across the state of Kansas. Hospital emergency rooms were overrun by people screaming "My eyes! My eyes!"
Officer Patrick O’Malley O’Murphy O’Brien took on the dangerous case, determined to stop the fiendish photograph and make the world safe once more for internet users.
If Saint Patrick could drive the snakes from Ireland then he could drive one away from the internet. After all, he was an O’Malley O’Murphy O’Brien.
"Sorry to bother you ma’am, but I’d like to ask you a few questions." He said to a bandaged woman lying in a hospital bed.
"Who are you?" She asked, waving her arms blindly in front of her.
"Officer O’Malley O’Murphy O’Brien. I’d like to ask you a few questions about the incident that led to your eyes popping out of their sockets."
"Why do you have such a long last name?" The woman asked.
"My mother couldn’t remember the guy’s name, only that it was O’Something and he reminded her of a leprechaun. She was going to add O’Neill, but her name was O’Neill and she didn’t want people to get the wrong impression. You can call me Officer O."
"Oh I see."
"Ma’am, I can’t be wasting my time on someone who is using this for their own gain."
Officer O said sternly.
"What are you talking about?"
"You just admitted you can see. Are you aware it is a crime to impersonate a eyepopping victim?"
"No, I meant I understand about your name."
"Very well. Can you describe what happened in as much detail as you can?"
"I was on the internet doing a search on Google for one of those hairless dogs. I did not know what they were called so I typed in ‘ugly dog’ and hit the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button."
"Was this when your eyes left their sockets?"
"No. There was a warning that only those eighteen and over could view the next page. I thought it must be a really ugly dog."
"Then what happened?"
"Well I verified that I was over eighteen, clicked on the enter button and that’s when my eyes fell out."
"Can you describe what you saw?"
"Something ugly."
"What was ugly?"
"Something."
"How ugly was it?"
"Ugly enough to make my eyes pop out."
Officer O sat at his computer. He knew what he had to do. It was all in the line of duty and he never shirked his duty. He found the website and said a small prayer. For his own protection he put on a pair of tight fitting glasses just incase his eyes did pop out they wouldn’t go too far. Slowly, he pressed the enter button. The picture downloaded onto his screen.
"Mom??"
