Upon Your Death, I Remember - Writers Forum

Angel5000 · 05-10-2006, 10:21 PM

The title sucks, I have no idea why I gave it that title - I'm still working on it. I wrote this awhile back and I personally think it stinks but I can't bring myself to delete it. Thoughts?

* * * *

664 Words - Short Story

I enter the church and sit silently in the back row. The service has already started, and I am late. The preacher is talking about Heaven, and how you are in a better place now. For a moment I think about laughing. I choose to cry instead.

You’re gone.

They’re started to talk about you now, a few of your closest friends have begun to speak. They tell of your kindness, your love for others, and of your wonderful life. My stomach tightens and I slip from the room unnoticed. I can’t listen any longer.

I wander through the empty hallways of the church and find an unlocked Sunday School room. In the too small seats I sit, and let my memories of you, and of us, bombard me. Here I can sit in stoic silence, eyes dry, without strange looks or sympathetic glances. If I have to hear another old lady say “poor dear is in shock and can’t even cry”, I think I’ll shoot myself. I’m sure you would find that a fitting end to my pitiful life.

I close my eyes and remember.

Our first kiss, that day on the beach. It had started to pour and as the rain streamed down our faces and drenched our clothes you took my face in your hands. It was the sweetest kiss I’ve ever had. Your lips, so soft. It took away my breath, just like in the movies.

The night that you proposed to me you took me back to that same beach. It didn’t rain this time, but as we lay in the sand, gazing up at the stars, you slipped a ring onto my hand. “Will you wear this, always and forever?” You whispered in my ear.

That might have been the best day of my life.

Our wedding day was beautiful. A bluebird sat on the sill of the church window and sang during the reception, I remember thinking it must have been God blessing us. We gave our vows that day, to love and cherish forever and for always.

Until death do us part.

My last memory of you was yesterday. My God, was it only yesterday? It seems so long ago.

I came home from work early, and the front door was unlocked. I remember looking for you, and then walking up the stairs. The fifth stair creaked under my weight; you were supposed to fix that. Now you never will.

The bedroom is where I found you. The image I saw there will never leave my mind, burned into my thoughts. I saw your body, glistening in sweat. You were tangled in the bed sheets.

Your naked body was entwined with hers. The woman whose pictures I had found in your cell phone, whom you had claimed was a friend from work.

I tasted salt and realized that I was crying, and my legs had begun to tremble. I grasped the wall for support as she let out a cry of ecstasy. You made love to her wildly, with a passion you had never had with me. I could hear you gasping, saying her name, with a voice I have never heard from you before.

You did not see me until I was in the room. Nor did you hear me until I stood beside the bed. I do not think I have ever seen you move so quickly as you did when I spoke. You spun around, and faced me, eyes wide.

I can clearly recall your last words to me, you said so softly, “baby, don’t cry.”

Yesterday you died. The police found your body, a bullet through the brain. They say you shot your lover, and then you killed yourself. It was a horrible thing for me, they say, having to find you like that.

Yesterday you died. A bullet wound to the head.

I cannot cry today. But yesterday, as I washed the gun, and put it in your hands, I cried.

voicesinmyhead · 05-12-2006, 12:04 AM

Wow. Really impressive story. The ending came as a surprise, and this is despite the fact that it is often "the twist" to stories of this kind. I think that you should go with trying to improve it. I like it.

zoya_brar · 05-18-2006, 09:31 AM

sometimes grief can be so beautiful... its sad how the narrator killed him for revenge but instead ended hurting herself... and now she cant even grieve his death.. coz she knows she killed him.. thats the irony of life... beautiful..

Angel5000 · 05-21-2006, 10:41 AM

Thanks for the comments.

This was definately an interesting piece for me to write.

ross · 05-21-2006, 12:30 PM

Now this is a nice piece. I liked it very much. Can I make a suggestion though.
You've the oportunity here to give your twist a more powerful punch.
If you describe the intwined lovers in more general terms as though you could be describing the two of you, you could deal a double blow in the last lines only then explaining that there was infidelity and murder. Just an idea.
I like it anyway though. Very enjoyable!

nhlfan · 05-22-2006, 03:14 AM

interesting

Angel5000 · 05-22-2006, 08:53 PM

Ross - thanks for the tip, thats a great idea! I'm not sure how to write it without really changing what I've got here, but the piece needs lots of work anyway so it sounds very do-able.

Thanks!

Scarecrow's Arrow · 07-10-2006, 12:23 PM

I really enjoyed reading that!

FollowingShadow · 07-14-2006, 12:19 AM

That was refreshing. The opening narration was a bit jerky, but towards the end that style paid off well.

It lost a bit of punch once I knew the motive. I admit, I skimmed, but the ending slapped me right in the face and I backtracked to find out what happened. I think this story would be flat out excellent if you said near the very beginning, "But yesterday, as I washed the gun (...)" I'd read that like anything.

I'd also make it a bit more juicy than the man cheating with someone. I dunno-- make him gay. Or something. I was just looking for a double twist, a one-two to make the sting of the "washed the gun" hurt so much more, you know?

Have fun.
-FS

kookicat · 08-12-2006, 08:53 AM

Wow, really nice piece.

Quillpen · 10-27-2006, 04:51 PM

Great!I definatetly ,agree with the others.I really like the bit about her not liking the old ladies.You might also want to add a reason for coming home early,like wanting to spend time with him, or seeinga movie with him asa surprise.Not the movie thing exactly, but the suggestion that she was in a good modd,and came home for him.