Kylie

School is hell. School is hell cause now that I have started year 8, last year was bad enough with Avril and her group of mates following me and watching everything I did. It was really bad for me but I still had to hold my head up high, I couldn’t let them see me cry. No one knows how bad it was, I also thought about self harming or suicide. But why should I let them win, no one knows how bad it is, when this first started I told my parents and they came up the school and sorted it out and it worked for about a week but when they knew the teachers weren’t paying much attention they started again and made things worse. They would threatening me they even said they were gonna beat me up after school but they didn’t. Anyway this is my first day of year 8, hopefully it will be different. Sorry I haven’t told you who I am my names Rachel Richards.
I walk through the gates of Prescott Manor, I saw lots of kids laughing and having fun and I thought to myself this will be different. I knew what class I was in and I knew that it was the same class Avril and her gang was in. so its 8.45 so I decided to go into my class, I walk in my classroom and I realise that we have a new teacher she looks quite young. No one else is in there and because it’s a new teacher I was a bit nervous of going in there but I decided I would go in. I see the teacher and I say “hi”, she then replies and said “hi my names miss Lohan”. I didn’t have chance to say anything when the whole class came in well except for Avril and her gang. So we all sat down I was right at the front like normal, everyone seemed happy. Miss then told the class can I please have some quiet please, the class was silent she began to talk “hi everyone as you know you teacher Mrs Edwards left at the end of last year so I have been asked to replace her, my name is Miss Lohan”. Just at that moment Avril and her gang came in, sorry I will introduce them in her group there’s: Laura, Anna, Miranda, Steph, Michael, Mark, Rachel, Danielle there’s a lot more but too many to say. You could tell that our teacher wasn’t in a very good mood, and you should have heard the next bit. Miss said to Avril and the people that were with her. So miss said “ what time do you call this then folks, school started ages ago and I think its not fair on the other students if you turn up late, I think that you deserve to make up the time so all of you will stay behind and have 2 hours detention”. Avril then said “miss that’s not fair”. I was really pleased that they had got into trouble but it was right they should they were 30 minutes late and they should make an effort on their first day of year 8. But I knew that it meant one thing that they would start because that happened last year I think they only started on me last year because I was shy and didn’t have friends. But I have been wondering about that a lot lately because when this started I was really upset at first I didn’t realise it was all happening to me. It was so bad last year I even took an overdose but that didn’t work. My parents don’t know what it is like I try to hide it from them everyday, I put on a front I don’t know if they believe it I spend most of my time in my room so they don’t know how I feel they don’t even ask if I am ok anymore, its as if they don’t care. They don’t have any interest in me it’s as if I am invisible, they care about my sister, and they ask how her day is they would do anything for her but would they for me. She goes to the pub with them and I don’t know why they don’t for me, I have a heart too they don’t seem to realise that I am hurting inside its as if they wouldn’t care if I died. They seem to doubt me all the time they go oh Rachel she can handle everything life throws at her.
I was right about Avril I was sitting on my own in the library reading a book like usual, Avril comes in she looks at me I look at her I know what she is thinking its obvious. She comes over and I know this is it. She starts and goes “oh look its Rachel the teachers pet, I am surprised you don’t have a teacher beside you or is it because they don’t wanna be seen with a freak like you”. Tears start to come to my eyes but I hold it back. I sit there speechless, Avril smiles and leaves. I cannot hold the tears in any longer I look around to see if there’s anyone in the library I find a little corner and burst out in tears and I think to myself it’s my first day and it’s all begun.

Ruben

This purple blob is not really appealing to the eye.

pagemaster42391

I'm going to voice an agreement...it just doesn't present well.

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Kylie

ok im sorry didnt know, still without the pueple what do you think?

sanctuary

you need to fix your grammar and sentence structure. You are missing some periods and commas, stuff like that...

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pagemaster42391

It's not even just that it's purple, it's that it is a blob. It seems unorganized; it seems more of a journal entry to vent your irritation rather than actual writing. Quoting sanctuary, you definitely need to read up on grammar, sentence structure, syntax, the good old English language in general. Like I said before, it's more journal-entry-ish, not actual, purposeful writing.

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"The '66 came with a shut-up button."
Dr. Greg House = ultimate snark machine

humour-me

stop being asses, forget about the grammer.


anyway, is this real?
because it really does sound like my life when i was young...(white girl, black school in the ghetto...i bet you can guess how that went down...)
anyway back then, i wouldn't of had the courage to speak up.
what you said about self harm, seriously, dont do it. i got into all that when iwas young, i nearly died because of it. stay strong, because you are! (besides, i bet none of them can write like you! )

Kylie

It's not a true story and im sorry no one likes it. I don't like it myself i jsut wante dpeoples views on it thats all.

Anarkos

My views are this:
1) Paragraphing is essential. And indentations don't work on forums, so double-space your paragraphs.
2) Your grammar needs work.
3) Sure, this is first-person, but do you really need to say "I" that much?
4) This is a complete monologue/stream-of-consciousness. It feels like a journal entry, not a short story.
5) There's no real imagery.
6) You're trying to cram too much into too little.
7) Please read Strunk and the stickied threads.

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Kylie

ok i have accepted what you have said, i did try to put oo much information in and i didnt like it myself but i needed someones opinion coz sometimes i over critizise my own work. i need to use paragraphs thats a must, i should have used that before and my grammar does need alot of work.

WordBeast

Kyllie, you might want to consider the above section of your story as your first paragraph. If you are interested in cleaning up the grammar, here is a suggested version with the story basically unchanged:

School is hell. School is hell now that I have started year 8. I thought that last year was bad enough when bullies like Avril and her mates kept stalking me and watching everything I did. It was really bad for me, but I still had to hold my head up high and not let them see me cry. No one really knew how hard it was for me. It was so awful, that I had thoughts of harming myself or committing suicide. "But why should I let them win?" I thought. No one really knew what I was going through. Except me. I even told my parents about it, and they came up to school to try and sort out the problem. Things got better for a week, but then when the teachers stopped paying attention to the problem, the bullies started up again with a vengeance. They threatened to beat me up after school, and even though they never did beat me up, the threat was real enough to terrorize me. Anyway, I'm hoping this year won't be as bad as last. Sorry I haven't told you who I am. My name is Rachel Richards. And as I said, this is my first year of grade 8. And I'm a bit nervous.

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Kylie

yeah that sounds good.

WordBeast

I'm glad you like it. The important thing to remember is to keep thoughts and sentences separate from each other, as I tried to do in the example. Also, using a variety of words--- such as 'hard' 'difficult' 'horrible' instead of repeating the word 'bad' can make it sound more interesting.

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Kylie

Yeah i am not sure though whether it will come out as a good story in the end, i dont know whether its a good idea to start again.

pagemaster42391

In general, everything is salvageable to an extent. The key to good writing is practice, like everything else in this world. The more you write, the better you get.

Humour-Me: I wasn't attempting to be an ass, I was being critical.

__________________
"The '66 came with a shut-up button."
Dr. Greg House = ultimate snark machine