Originally Posted by Daniel Malone

The razor in her hand looked sharp and she inspected the thin sharp edge.


You used 'sharp' twice, try a different word, like 'The razor in her hand looked painfull...' perhaps. Also 'and she inspected...' sounds awkward. Maybe something like, 'The razor in her hand looked sharp, she ran her finger along the thin blade to test it. The cut trickled blood down her hand... blah, blah, blah...

Adena didn’t relish the idea of cutting her perfect flesh for a man’s attention but who cares at his point? She deduced. She had to have Style but he wouldn’t look at her. Adena had become desperate to have him. Besides it was her body, her flesh and she could cut it if she wanted.

This instead of what you had, '...a man's attention but, who cares at this point? she deduced.

Frustrated, Adena looked at her thin, white arms and noticed the long blue veins then her eyes inspected her naked body. She felt fat even though her ribs could be seen under her pale flesh. The small patch of hair between her legs felt like a useless waste of a woman because it never interested Style. No. Style never touched her there and acted as if it were poison.


Comma after 'veins'. And rather than useing 'then' try something else. I would give some ideas but it is your work, so that's your job, not mine. I don't feel as if you need 'because' there either. There should be a coma after 'No', not a fullstop. 'there and acted' could be changed to, 'there, he acted'.

She didn’t understand this at first but now it was obvious. He loved her but like a sister. Adena realized after a few months that Style liked men and thought of her as a great friend. He used her as a front, told her he loved her and even kissed her as passionately as any man. Adena had fallen for Style and his trick.


'kissed her passionatley as any man', I assume you meant the Style would kiss Adena like he would hiss a man, or are you saying that Style kissed Adena as good as any other man had kissed her. It is befuddling.

She remembers back the conversation.


'remembered', what tense are you in? remembers, remembered, will remember. Tense is important make sure it stays consistant.

“Style don’t you want me? We have been dating for months and I have done everything to get you in bed. Why don’t you try something besides just kissing?” She asked him.


I think perhaps you have more a grammar issue more so than spelling. But so do I, so there. 'She' should be ', she'.

“Adena, honey. I love you but I just can’t…” He said.


Same thing here, but also, instead of having 'he said', could you fnd a different, more desciptive word, like 'he whispered'.

[font=Times New Roman]“Why not? You make comments about men’s butts but never tell me if you like mine. If I didn’t know better I would think you was [should be 'were'] gay or something.” Adena wished she didn’t say this. She couldn’t comprehend such a masculine man being gay. A man that kissed her like he did. “I am sorry…” She trailed off as she noticed his eyes look downward. FONT]


“Adena I have been meaning to tell you something. It (is) difficult for me to say this but you understand me better than any woman…”


After she realized Style was gay she lost it. Adena hid in her room for a week reading occult books of magic, learning what she must do. Adena hated what the books told her to do but did it with passion and little remorse. She would have the man she long(ed) for, the man who could kiss as no other.


Adena remembered earlier what she did. (Shouldn't this be 'Adena remembered what she did earlier'). First, she knew he couldn’t refuse the whiskey until he passed out. Second, she tied him up. Third, she cut (h)is arteries until his blood ran out. Fourth, she burned incense sticks then stuffed them in his mouth and in his penis. The book said to do this and Adena complied.


Adena thought the ritual sick and demented but knew he would want her now(,) than she got naked. The book told her what should happen. But to her dismay he didn’t wake up so she decided to spill her blood than maybe he would see how serious she had become.


She sliced her wrist and watched the red blood pour over his naked body. Style didn’t so much as look at her, he ('still' doesn't need to be here) remained asleep. Than a thought came to her mind, at least he would never want another man and they could lay here asleep forever, together ('asleep together, forever').

As the last ounce of life flowed out of her veins and (get rid of 'and' and add a comma) her body turned blue and stiff(,) Style stirred. He saw his ('the' not his) desperate woman he loved like a sister dead laying on his naked body. He rolled her stiffness (stiff body) off his legs. Style realized what she had done. He silently thanked her than looked at her with disgust. Style left her cold body and sought the warmth of another.