EsotericSoul

This was a really dumb attempt to write about a girl who fell in love with another girl. I was really bored and wanted to write something with a bunch of angst in it, to keep myself entertained over the summer break. I stopped short. It's completely unfinished because I thought it would end up too long. But what do you guys think? Should I keep going with it or give up? Here it is:
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I never once said that I believed in love at first sight. I never once said aloud that I believed it. And I didn’t used to. If you had asked me if I did two years ago, I would’ve said that it’s impossible to love somebody after one glance. And I still don’t quite believe it, but in a sense, I do.
You see, I fell in love. Not at first sight, but it might as well have been the first time I saw her.
It was a cold winter day in the school I attend. And the lunchroom didn’t have a good heater, so, even with all the bodies walking around, it was freezing inside. I was huddled between a pillar and two of my friends trying to keep warm with a sweater and a big jacket on. I wasn’t used to the cold weather, but I enjoyed it, even if it felt like I was freezing. But that day I wasn’t enjoying myself, so sat huddled with my knees to my chest in the small, metal lunch chair, so quiet it wouldn’t have been very hard to forget I was there.
My eyes drifted among all the people in the lunchroom. People were laughing, eating with their mouths open, and talking non-stop, hugging, and all sorts of things. When my eyes fell upon her, it seemed like everybody else evaporated, or at least got very quiet. I had seen her before- she was in my history class, and I had known her from when we were younger. I was lucky to have spotted her at the time I did, because our eyes somehow met, and we looked at each other for a few seconds before turning away, then turning back to each other, and turning away again. I didn’t know what happened- it went by so fast. But at that moment, my breathing quickened and my heart pounded so loud I could hear it in my head.
From that moment on, my day seemed to brighten a little, even though I had been in such a horrible mood before. I smiled unconsciously, until a friend elbowed me. “What’s up with you?”
I didn’t want to answer them honestly, so I just said I remembered something funny that happened the period before lunch. When they bought it, I went back to wondering about what had just happened. The feeling I obtained from that simple glance was incredible. But what was it?
Love? No…not quite. Maybe…I didn’t know. I still don’t know for sure what it was, but I am sure it wasn’t just mere admiration of her looks. She was beautiful, that was easy to see, but there was more to it than just that. We had connected, even if it was for just a brief moment. Or maybe it was all in my head; just like the last time this happened. But this isn’t much like the last time, really, because the last time I was drunk and I had known the girl much better. THAT girl was a mistake. THIS girl? She was different…at least I told myself she was.
This girl, Ashley…well, she was much different than the other one. The other, she was loose, and she threw herself at anybody who would take her. Ashley was the complete opposite. She held respect for herself and didn’t take just anything. I knew, though, that I had no chance. For one, I was still figuring out my own identity; I was not about to travel into this any further, if it could be helped. Second of all, she was very religious, and I highly doubted that a girl that believed so deeply in the teachings of the bible would give up her beliefs to go out with a girl like me. And did I really want this anyway? I could just admire her, like girls admire one another. But honestly, “I want to be her” wasn’t what came to mind. More like “I want to be with her.”
This scared me. How could I do this? Be like this?

I had always thought of myself as being the most independent person in my small group of friends. But then again, I didn’t really have a sturdy group of friends. I was a loner, and I was content with being so. So why did I want this girl’s company so badly now? When for so long I turned down multiple offers from several different admirers, why did I all of a sudden want her to like me?
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See, it's dumb. But I always think that about what I write .
Anyway...tell me what you think

EsotericSoul

I suppose the subject was too touchy for even a single comment? I guess I should throw this idea out into the garbage.

cellardoor

it's not complex enough
shouldn't she be feeling really weird about wanting to be with another girl?
some kind of struggle with her sexuality?
unless she's a blatant lesbian, which would be much harder to write.

there are some word choices that are just weird, but they're easily fixed. go over it a few times, and yeah, keep writing

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If I make it as a writer, I'll write for the hobo, not the professor.

baka-

it sounds a lot like a diary entry. maybe an account of your own experience? if you want a story perhaps give more back bone? background for the narrator?

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"wake the fuck up now and love me"

sangfroid

It's certainly an interesting idea and worth pursuing. I can see two main issues - the idea of like vs. love, and the obvious issue of the girl's sexuality and how she deals with it. Tackling both these issues in combination would make for an interesting read.

You're trying to say too much in too few words here.

This sounds too clinical. "I attend" is unnecessary, and the fact it's a cold winter day at school is kind of weird because I would assume it would be a cold winter day everywhere. Separate the two ideas.

That's my two cents.

EsotericSoul

Thank you very much for all your feedback I guess I'll start taking your advice and working on it again. Sadly I haven't had much time to write lately...