|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Gender: Male
Posts: 464
|
I wanted to write a parody...
But I just couldn't make it funny.
I thought I'd share it with you guys, in hopes that one of you might chuckle or sympathize with my failure.
The Importance of Voting
The noise was just too much for Kyle to bear. With the dart of his half-numb arm, the noise was gone for another nine minutes. He opened his eyes just wide enough to see what had disturbed his deep sleep. He was 27 minutes late. Kyle practically dove onto the hard and dusty floor to escape the inviting clutches of his sheets and feather pillows. He was already missing half of his physics class. He stood in the middle of his dorm room for a full minute, thinking, and decided to take his time and forget about physics. After taking a quick shower, Kyle headed down to the student union for breakfast and maybe a cup of coffee to enjoy during his hour break after physics.
As he plopped down into his favorite chair in the coffee shop, Kyle sees his friend, Autumn, heading towards him. Without missing a beat, Autumn asks, “Who are you voting for?”
“Oh, right, it’s election day.” Kyle just shrugged and took another sip of his iced mocha. Man, is that good stuff, he thought.
“You ARE voting, right?” Autumn exclaimed. “It’s important that everyone votes in this election!”
Kyle thought for a minute, and decided to ask, “Well, who are you voting for?”
“Pansie, definitely.”
“Libby Pansie?” I guess it’d be cool to elect the first female president, Kyle thought.
“Anyone but Fisher. If Hunter Fisher gets elected, I’m moving to Canada,” Autumn said, trying to sound as serious as possible.
“Well, that’s a bit extreme. He doesn’t seem too bad,” Kyle replied. At that moment, Autumn’s best friend, Skye, approached them to join in the conversation.
“What’s a bit extreme?” Skye wanted to know.
“Kyle thinks that Hunter Fisher would make a good president!” Autumn bursts.
“Ha! Have you seen the economy?” Skye and Autumn both laugh.
“Wait, I… the economy?” Kyle had never thought much about it.
“Presidents like Fisher will ruin it,” Skye said.
“Have you seen gas prices lately, Kyle?” Autumn chimed in.
“I guess gas is kind of high, but…” Kyle started.
“Exactly! That’s why we need a democrat in office,” Autumn concluded. Kyle shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable talking about something he really had no clue about. Autumn and Skye appeared to be very educated in the area of politics and Kyle wasn’t prepared to argue with someone that possessed such vast knowledge. They seemed to know everything about the subject.
“What’re y’all talkin’ about?” Jimbo asked, as him and Christian approached the conversation. Jimbo had recently moved from Alabama. He was a hardcore backwoods redneck, but his newfound friend, Christian, was nearly the opposite. Christian was a hardcore Catholic; he hated the outdoors, and spent most of his time reading and thoroughly studying the bible in preparation for his career. The one thing that brought Jimbo and Christian together was their religious faith. Their candidate choice was fairly obvious to most people, but not to Kyle.
“Kyle doesn’t know who he’s going to vote for,” Autumn stated.
“Well, voting is today, so you better make a decision,” Christian said.
“That ain’t right. You don’t like political stuff?” Jimbo asked.
“I never really thought about it.” Kyle felt victimized. He didn’t see the point in voting, but he was starting to realize how much it meant to vote. So his friends would stop attacking him, he decided to participate. “So what’s the difference between the two candidates?” The conversation was a time bomb, and Kyle had just cut the wrong wire.
“Pansie’s gonna ruin this great country.”
“If by ruin you mean undo everything that our last president screwed up, then yeah!”
“At least Fish’r got some balls. Pansie’s just ano’er hippie.”
“So now it takes a hippie to realize that war isn’t exactly a good way to make peace?”
“Yeah, war never solved anything, you rednecks!”
“Pansie plans t’ completely disband’r military and send ‘em home. What in the hell is that gone do ‘cept destroy this nation?”
“No, she’s going to let people live out their lives instead of dying in battle. What a tragedy. Besides, she’s going to send a letter of apology to like all of our enemy countries.”
“Oh yeah, problem solved. Hippie.”
“Yeah, maybe she’ll send a fruit basket too.”
“Wow, you’re hilarious. At least it’s progress. What is Hunter Fisher going to do? Oh yeah, attack attack attack!”
“Damn right. He don’t support terrorism. ‘N he just wants t’ expand’r territory.”
“I can’t believe you support his ‘Fight For a Bigger America’ agenda!”
“That’s mostly why I’m votin’ fer ‘em.”
“Not to mention, he’s promised to help the school system too.”
“There is nothing wrong with the school system! He wants to take science out of school and incorporate more religion.”
“I know. Our country needs God now more than ever, and it’s better to start a relationship with him at an early age without the crackpot theories and made-up explanations of science getting in the way.”
“And maybe‘ll do some ‘bout them queers.”
“You’re insane. I swear I’m leaving the country if Fisher’s elected.”
Kyle’s head was spinning. He was barely paying attention to the escalating exchange of words. He was stunned at how so many people knew so much about politics, and that the candidates were so distinctly different. He felt that maybe it was best that he not get involved. He knew nothing about the subject, and they obviously knew exactly what they were talking about. Autumn noticed that Kyle had his head buried in his hands.
“Well? Do you see the light now?”
Kyle laughed. “I think I’ll just vote for um, Andy Cisive.”
Autumn, Sky, Jimbo, and Christian all gave him the same look.
“What!” Autumn was shocked.
“Why are you gonna waste a vote like that?” asked Christian.
“If you gon’ vote fer Cisive, then you mizewell not vote.”
“Weren’t you listening? We gave you all the facts!” Skye said.
“Those were all the facts?” Kyle finished his drink and stood up. He bid farewell and continued his day like any other and after class, he voted. As Kyle turned off his TV that night and shut his eyes, the election had still been too close to call.
Kyle awoke on time the next day. Before he did anything else, he checked the internet for the election results. It turned out that Kyle’s vote didn’t really matter. But if Kyle knew one thing about politics, it was that politicians never really kept promises anyway. After taking a quick shower, Kyle walked to class with plans for another cup of coffee to enjoy during his hour break after physics.
|
Keep writing!
