ghent96

Faultine
In my mind
Making me say such things unkind
Making me hurt the ones I Love
Ignoring the words I heard from above
I can feel it coming again
Is it another earthquake
Or just an aftershock of the one before
The split can't shrink
The rift can't heal
Between what I know
And what I feel
Try to force them,
Mountains rise
Let them drift,
Oceans divide
When the waves hit
It's a little late
To choose between
Love or Hate
The force of everything below pushes up
Spewing fire and destruction from the line and the mouth it's connected to...
...
Faultine
In my mind
So peaceful and quiet
In between times.


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You know when you're showering first thing in the morning, or trying to go to bed late at night, and you don't write it down because you're thinking 'Oh I'll just remember and write it down later'? ...Yeah, and you always forget, don't you? Same here. Forgot the original, this is the sloppy leftovers that came out.

Rate, rant, slice & dice, toss & turn churn.

ghent96

wow... ok, 0 replies, 43 views.
43 people with nausea
43 people with 43 fewer brain cells
43 looks said with 86 eyes,
yes, it really is that bad
43 bodies with 86 hands,
with fingers of 430,
almost typed a single word
but took 34 different ways out.

Raging_Hopeful

"Faultine
In my mind
Making me say such things unkind
Making me hurt the ones I Love
Ignoring the words I heard from above
I can feel it coming again
Is it another earthquake
Or just an aftershock of the one before"

"The force of everything below pushes up
Spewing fire and destruction from the line and the mouth it's connected to..."

Okay I thought these parts had very weak rhyming schemes. If you're going to rhyme then keep it consistent or at least make it a polar contrast. Don't half ass rhyme or it'll kill the momentum.

The last stanza has promise:
"Faultine
In my mind
So peaceful, [and] quiet
[In] between (the?) times."

but I think you could omit "and" and "in." Poetry should be succint and powerful with the minimum amount of words possible.

Okay now that criticism is out of the way, I REALLY liked the middle part. The rhyme flows and builds momentum and engages the reader and kicks ass. (Sweet, look at my run on sentence!!)

The split can't shrink
The rift can't heal
Between what I know
And what I feel
Try to force them,
Mountains rise
Let them drift,
Oceans divide
When the waves hit
It's a little late
To choose between
Love or Hate

This is powerful and with a good solid beginning and conclusion, this poem could pack a punch.

And HA! I didn't take the 35th way out! Keep writing!

__________________

ghent96

whoot! Thanks for the reply and critique.

Looking back, I think the entire poem could be shortened down and consist ONLY of that middle section that you cite as liking.

The rest, I'd have to explain: Years ago back in college, for some unknown reason, I started thinking in "Belton Sonnets" (made up name), 20 short lines, not iambic pentameter, followed by 2 lines of prose. When my brain comes up with a random snippet of poetry it just seems to fit this pattern, and be about that long.

Those last 2 lines, indeed kill the momentum, on purpose. I thought it would be a good thing, stop the reader, then they calmly read on the last 4 lines as the closure/resolution. I love music, and the rhythm of just everyday language always intrigues me, especially rhythm in poetry.

"Fault' line - - 2
in' my mind' . . . 3
peace' ful qui' et . - . - 4
in' be tween' times" triplet - 4

...hopefully that's understandable, as it's kinda hard to put music into text

My trouble is, and why I posted it in File13, I just can NOT remember what I was thinking of after line 4-5 of the original version. Yes, lines 1 - 6 or so are pretty bad.



Version 2

Faultine
In my mind
Opens quaking
Spewing unkind
Destroying ones I Love
Defying God above
Feel it coming, is it new
or an old, not yet through
The split can't shrink
The rift can't heal
Between what I know
And what I feel
Try to force them,
Mountains rise
Let them drift,
Oceans divide
When the waves hit
It's a little late
To choose between
Love or Hate
The force of everything below pushes up
Spewing fire and destruction from the line and the mouth it's connected to...
...
Faultine
In my mind
peaceful quiet
In between times.