egg1291

U MIGHT HAVE ALREADY READ THIS, BUT IF U HAVENT, JUST TO LET U THIS ISNT WHAT THE WHOLE STORY IS ABOUT, ITS JUST THE BEGGING, THERE ARE LOTS OF GRAMMER MISTAKES BTW, also i would love replies cause idk if this is a good story or not


Skeleton Games

Three men, two guns, two bullets left in both, a box of matches, and a container of gas was all that was left of what once was a room full of people, cameras, and a single way out. The sound proof door seemed to be only thing stopping them from this horrible experience. As a match was light, one bullet was fired, and a bomb exploded this story would have never ended the way it was planned…


New York City was a cold place, but not only in temperature but in the spirit also. No one would ever feel safe; it was always a matter of making it through the day. A store on the corner of the 34th and 10th street had opened a month before the shooting on the corner of the 11th. Not only was the store always a place considered to be safe, but it was always a place you felt welcomed, except if you where Mark Stain.


The shooting was one of the scariest moments on 11th street that anyone had ever experienced while living there. At 6:27 AM eight shots where fired at a cab driving by the local supermarket. The shooters did not know who was in the car, but knew who was the driver. Mark Stain drove a Crown Victoria taxi cab numbered 334. The shooters where two local thugs that everyone feared, yet no one actually knew. It wasn’t like them to shoot at people they have never met nor spoke to. In past records of The New York City Central Police Department they killed three people. All once members of their old gang “The New York Zigges”. An awkward name for one of the most feared gangs in the country. All members of the gang got killed either by Mike “Rodney” Rays and his fellow gang member “Bacon” (no one knew his real name) or the godfather of the local New York mafia Danny “Boss” Luigengello.


Mark Stain was your average cab driver, only difference was he was he was part of the mafia, Danny’s mafia to be exacted. Mark was Danny’s brother; he had changed his last name so his customers wouldn’t ride in his cab just because he had Danny as a brother. Danny, the Boss, was feared by New Yorkers and the local police department. Danny had the cleanest record any mafia godfather had ever had. His secret, thirteen cops have been murdered ever since he entered the mafia buisness. No one filed any reports on the murders of these cops, no lawsuits were held against him. He was so powerful, the mayor received a visit from him once, it wasn’t as pleasant as you would have expected. Danny told him that if he ever found any files on his mafia he would personally come and kill Mayor Johnson’s family in front of him and would kill him too. He told him to stay at his position as mayor for the next for years and the next four he’ll make sure that he was voted in again.


Mark had called Danny a day before the shooting; he told him he thought something might be going down tomorrow and that he was scared. Danny promised him that he shouldn’t worry and that he is already informed. Five minutes after he hung up he called Mike. They talked for nearly a minute and hung up on each other. Mark was just driving threw his usual routine of going around the city. As he turned to the 10th street his life had changed forever. Eight shots fired right into his windshield by the seventh shot he got hit in the shoulder. Mike and Bacon ran to the 11th street and busted the window to the store on the corner of 34th and the 11th. They hid behind the aisle of the loafs of bread. As three minutes passed the owner of the store came he saw the busted window and immedtily called the police. The police said they will be on their way. Thirty seconds later Mark marched into the store with and a gun in his hand as he turned to the bread aisle and he shot the two thugs three times each. He did not have time to make sure to finish them off because he already heard the police cars coming. On his way out the owner of the store tried to stop him. Mark took a sloppy shot at the owner’s foot and left. He ran to his taxi and drove away. Half an hour later four SWAT teams were out for looking for him. Warnings had been sent informing the people of a killer on the loose. The second Danny heard this his head turned red of anger and made one phone call twenty seconds later Danny was satisfied as ever.


Two months have passed and Mark was to be found nowhere. No one knew where he went or have heard of him till he called Danny off a phone booth and only said five words and hung up “Don’t think I don’t know”. That was it after that Danny had never spoke to him again. He was confused trying to make sure that he interpreted this wrong, but he knew exactly what he said. Both Mike and Bacon died a day after the shooting. The store owner was okay but he had is third and forth toe taken off. The store reopened nearly a week after the shooting. Mark kept driving in his Crown Victoria until he got a better plan. After entering New Jersey Mark burned his car and bought a Toyota Corolla with what was left of his money. Know he was in trouble, all his money either came from his taxi job or Danny neither were there for him anymore they both burned out in his heart. He stole a license plate of a parked car in a Walgreen’s parking lot and drove away. Danny called the same person he called after he found out what Mark had done, but this time he was angry and would not change his mind this time he was sure of what he was doing and what he should have told Mark the day before the shooting. Mark still trying to figure out this confusing puzzle he was in or made but still knew one thing and that was he had no one to help him with what he is about to do and what he would do after that.


At 7:01 AM Mark marched into a local Bank One with his gun. Only two bullets left but that would do, he did not expect to shot at all that day. With a ski mask and his gun he held the bank hostage for thirty minutes. Only thing was no one knew what was going on in the bank. He locked the doors, put up a close sign, brook all the cameras and all the phones and anyway that the people could reach the cops, and locked everyone in the basement where all the safes where held at. Mark didn’t need a lot of money; he only needed a couple hundred bucks and he could leave. After he filled his bag with money he want upstairs because he wanted to get out a window from the back. As he was climbing out the window he heard footsteps coming towards him. He froze in a state of shock. As the door swung open a middle age Mexican man stood there with a mop facing the masked man. The janitor was also shocked of what he saw. “Mark, is that you?” That was the last thing he needed someone to recognize him. He finally recognized the man that had recognized him. He used to be one of the taxi drivers in New York. His name was John and he just moved to New York from New Jersey when Mark was still a taxi driver. He knew Mark from the first day when he signed up for this job. Mark taught him his taxi driving route. Mark knew that he knew what was going on and that he was related to Danny the Boss, Mark’s only hope was to shoot him once at kill him to not waste anymore bullets. Mark shot him exactly two inches away from his heart. John was still breathing and began to run towards the nearest exit of the building. Mark cursed a couple of times and began to run after him he knew he had one bullet, and he wasn’t going to waste it on John. Mark had to kill him with his bare hands. Even though John couldn’t out run Mark because he was wounded but still Mark had to put up a good chase. As he chased him down the stairs he knew what John was going to do he was going to try to run out the front door hoping the security guard is still there. Since Mark locked all the doors and the security guar was in the basement there was no hurry. When Mark reached the end of the stairs he grabbed a vase that stood on the counter and threw it at John. The vase hit John right on his head. John was knocked out but not dead. Mark took a metal chair and stabbed it through John’s back several times. Mark heard John’s ribs crack and he began to bleed, and after Mark took the chair out of John’s back he began to bleed. A puddle of blood surrounded John’s body. Mark took the dead body and carried it down to the basement after he dropped him of with all the other people he walked back upstairs and took John’s mop and tried to mop the blood away. It didn’t work to well so Mark decided switch the carpets from the two rooms. The back room (that had no windows) had the carpet covered with blood and the entrance had a nice sandy colored carped. After that Mark was now a serial killer and if he ever was caught he would be sentenced to death. Now Mark was in the big leagues he had to sneaky and outsmart the cops, but most importantly he had to get back in New York.

egg1291

any1 willing to take a shot at this story?

blankslatejoe

i tried man, but that first sentence is so heavy i gave up... Try breaking all those commas into short, two word sentences. to hell with grammar.

"three men. two guns. four bullets. matches. gasoline.

That's all that was left of what once was a room full of people, cameras, and a single way out."

Even that might be too many details too early on.. every detail/object/subject you add weakens the potential strength of the other ones.

sorry for such a lame crit, but hey, any feedback is good feedback, right?
keep trucking dude.

blankslatejoe

Oh, also you might want to take the time to write out "anyone" and "you" instead of any1 and U. This is a writing forum, people here get a bit turned off by chat slang/abbreviations.

egg1291

opps i didnt even notice i was writing any and u, sry ill fix that

Farror

Just thought I'd mention for future reference, in the guidelines it's stated that subject lines should not be all in caps.

__________________
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fastkilr

That last paragraph was a headache.

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New Writing Site:
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egg1291

Thanx for the review, but could anyone give me a review on the whole story not just parts of it?

ghent96

Sorry dude, you HAVE to do the grammar, punctuation, and spelling effort before posting. I don't know about anyone else, but my time's too short to spend any longer than I have to on the 'net. It takes too long to read through something like that. Please consider others & format/correct before posting; otherwise, they won't likely take the time to read.