The worst thing ever written - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

Pardot Kynes · 08-01-2005, 03:26 PM

I dont have a clue where I was going with this. If I could figure THAT out, I might make it into a decent short story or something.

EXERPT-CHAPTER 1

It was the year 2050 A.E, or after earth.
The great stronghold of the human race had been destroyed by their overlord race, the Sians.
It all came about when the lizard people of Carcaroth, the Sians, discovered through one of their spies that the human race was planning a great revolt, a nuclear holocaust that would destroy the Siam’s planet and allow the humans freedom...but the Sians intercepted the attack and sent it back to earth, to destroy all human life..however, the gods allowed otherwise. In the aftermath, some humans escaped to an uninhabited planet, and thrived, making allies from enslaved planets close by....
Now, 1000 years after they were driven from their home planet, the humans were finally ready to take their share of revenge.

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EXERPT-PROLOGUE

A Sian battle cruiser was nearing its home planet, preparing to dock for repairs. This honorable vessel was the sole survivor of an engagement with a mysterious ship, one that could not possibly be of their own reptilian race- a race of crocodilian-looking humanoids- and due to this, was nearly incapable of operating.
One wing had been nearly destroyed, and an engine was constantly malfunctioning. Smoke trailed from the fuselage like a drying brook, and the starboard weapons ports were incapable of action. Luckily, they reached their home planet soon enough to avoid any increase in malfunctions bad enough to destroy the ship, or render it flightless.
But, even as they prepared to dock, the captain realized that all was not well. As they drew nearer to the docking bay of their capitol city, Grinjok, no one asked for the access code to their ship, which was unusual, as doing so was standard protocol.
As the ship's captains were a little uneasy, partly from battle stress, and partly from the code not being asked, they gave a command for the crew to remain alert. Then, at that moment, the course of history was changed, because, as they looked out their window, they saw the most unlikely sight in the universe-humans.

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EXERPT-CHAPTER 20

Fear. Sweat. Danger...All the components of the chase. Rowald could hear trees crashing, and a great sound..like some heavy machinery...a metallic monster. He turned, and directly in front of him the tree exploded towards him with fearsome force. They were coming closer. After 1000 years, his family’s mistake finally decided to reconcile itself. But the only reconciliation in the creature's mind was that of death. He and his family had sanctioned the planet of MUERT 4, hoping to survive long enough to destroy the creature, but now, as he, the last of House Mantrashad, resumed his flight from death itself's grip, he felt cold, blinding cold. It felt as if the universe had turned to ice, the very air frozen solid.
The creatures grip was death. And house Mantrashad felt its grip.
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Excerpt- Chapter 30

Stealth. Finesse. Strength of will. Strength of mind, and strength of soul. These are the attributes a blood-finder must possess...for they were the best of the best, hired at extreme expense to the hirer. If you want a death, you must pay in kind...but few found that out. They found simply the gold price too high...why bay one in blood? But after nearly 29 years, their services were needed again...House Mantrashad feared no one..now, no one feared them..and the same would happen to the reptilian scum.
The Finders cared not who won the war..but they would surely have a hand in it. They intended to survive, and NEVER perish..They would prevail.
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Cold Twilight · 08-09-2005, 01:16 AM

Whoa, cool!! Where's the rest of it, hey? Nice setup in excerpts, a bit confusing with all the different things happening, and missing huge parts, but definitely in the publishable realm...if you figure out what's gonna happen with a galactic shootout...who wins? Do both win? Do neither win? Does some strange interloper wipe 'em both out? Do they become allies? Hmm, well, I would love to find out...

Pardot Kynes · 08-11-2005, 06:59 PM

thanks.

Viqto · 08-11-2005, 07:29 PM

I'll be brutally honest, I liked it. What you thought I was going to degrade it? Haha.

No, seriously, it was good. However, I hope this was a rough draft and you intend to finalize some of the wording and add some background detail because there were parts that could've been combined/reworded/erased/detail added that would make it string together better. Just as an example I've rewritten the first excerpt to show you what I mean.

More than 3000 years after Earth had been destroyed by the militaristic and hostile race known as the Sians, humans were gathering to begin an assualt to win freedom from their enslavement. The vicious crocidilian Sians came from Carcaroth, a large harsh world where survival by strenght was key to lordship. The destruction of Earth was the retaliation of the overlord Sians against the humans for leading an insurrection. Pulling together their few remaining resources, the humans launched all of their nuclear warheads towards the Sians homeplanet. Tips from some of the Sian's many cleverly planted spies within the humans' populace alerted them to the impending attack. Intercepting the missiles in space and using superior computer technology they redirected the warheads back towards Earth. All hope seemed lost for the human race. However, the gods of the universe used their influence to delay the warheads, giving the humans time to evacuate some of the populace. These refugees, now orphans of the galaxy, populated a number of small worlds and formed alliances with other nearby oppressed races serving under the Sians dark hand. Now the allied forces of the humans and other enslaved races poised to launch an all out war against their common enemy....

So that's what I came up with.

Pardot Kynes · 08-13-2005, 12:44 AM

Aw, thanks. The reason I posted in file 13 was because I kinda lost sight of the goal, but I think I can turn it into a decent short story. Thanks. And I thought it was crap...heh.

BlueEyesInk · 09-20-2005, 02:31 AM

Cool story! I think the chapters 20/30 start with VERY similar excerpts, and that's a drag, but I like where you're going. You seem to have read Dune, ever read any David Weber?

Christopher Black · 09-25-2005, 10:48 AM

This was cool. It's hard for me to get a good grasp of it though, because of the excepts being only pieces of the entire story. Sci-Fi isn't really my bag, but this seems like it will be nice when you decide what to do with it.