It Came from my Blog... - Writers Forum

Ajax · 03-04-2005, 04:55 PM

During the last presidential race I took to lampooning the various articles that were coming out in the news. At first it was just political, but then I started in on other news.

This is just some of the drivel coming out of my head. I don't know if you'll find it amusing, but I had fun writing it. I've got a bunch of these little lampoons. Every once in a while I'll run across some news clip and get inspired.

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Stupidity Vaccine Shows Promise

Scientists are one step closer to a vaccine against one of the world's most pervasive and destructive diseases. Stupidity strikes more than 300 million people and claims at least one hundred thousand lives each year.

Researchers gave about 1200 citizens in the United States either a stupidity vaccine or a control placebo. During the four weeks of surveillance scientists found that citizens continually exposed to political debates had extremely divergent scores.

"The statistics Cleary show," stated Dr. Hienrich Dweehouser, "that those injected with the stupidity vaccine were much less affected by the ramblings of the president and his opponent. This vaccine could make a huge impact, and really help control some of the stupidity rampantly spreading through developed countries."

Dr. Hienrich continued, "The double-speak and rhetoric being ejected from the candidates became much easier for those injected with the stupidity vaccine to work through. In many cases they actually understood how the Senator's voting record was being manipulated and used against him. And the issues that were avoided by the candidates, their "song and dance" routines were clearly understood by the test group as an obvious reluctance to answer unpopular or politically dangerous questions.

The control group," he added, "who received the placebo, were completely taken in by the usual methods of political double-talk used by the candidates. In some cases they even felt the candidates had given an answer to questions that they had actually avoided altogether."

Vaccines against other diseases such as partisanship and voter-malaise are also in development at the Glizzard corporation and scientists on these projects report that the stupidity vaccine has assisted them in their research as well. "It's a pity," said one researcher, "that the government has refused to fund any of our projects and forbidden us from using drugs available in other countries to assist in the development of our vaccines. But we know our products are important to the American people, and we will continue to work forward with the knowledge that we will be helping millions of Americans from avoiding stupidity."

When asked if any plans existed for the test of the stupidity vaccine on American politicians, Dr. Heinrich stated that he had attempted to gather a test group of them, but that he feared it would skew his statistical results. "This is a vaccine to prevent stupidity," he added. "It does nothing for those who have already been stricken."

Ajax · 03-04-2005, 04:58 PM

This one's my favorite actually.

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Vectored Plasma Weaponry Not a Solution

Dr. Douglas Korn stated yesterday in an interview at his neighborhood home on Mercer island that he has decided not to continue into his experiments with vectored plasma as a means of missile defense.

"The magnetic bottles are simply to unstable to maintain at a suitable distance from the target." he stated to reporters from the Amish Anti-Missile league. "I've tried reconfiguring the d-roil micro coils in an effort to extend the shearing tube but the only result has been a minute gain in accuracy along the forward blast edge. It simply isn't going to work in the long run. Yesterday's experiments only resulted in the destruction of my neighbor's koi pond. And the cats in the area have been dining on the cooked fish all night. They made a horrible racket fighting over the dead koi, and my wife is quite irritated with me. None of us got much sleep."

When asked if he has achieved any effective results from his experiments, Dr. Korn commented that, "An overall statistical analysis of the data recorded during the last fourteen test trials indicates that a long range vectored plasma weapon with sufficient magnetic resonance to hold the superheated ion stream could quite easily devastate any large ballistic weapon targeting my home, however the radiation from such a stream would render my nearest neighbors sterile and might also ignite the substandard roofing material that most of them have foolishly paid market price to have installed. In the end, I can only speculate that future inventors will have more luck in their trials. They will, however, certainly need more money than I have to battle the resulting lawsuits. I must say though, that despite the complaints of my neighbors, most of them will readily admit that the glass trench I created running down to the beach has been wonderful for draining rainwater out of the area."

Ajax · 03-07-2005, 09:12 AM

Wrote this not long after the initial capture.

Soddom Undergos Operation

Soddom Hussain has recovered from an operation to remove a hernia yesterday. Apparently the large bulbous lump on the former dictator's greasy anus was identified by inspectors as being a possible problem for further incursion into the former Iraqi regime. Fortunately it did not turn out to be a hiding place for weapons of mass destruction as was first suspected by the arms inspectors who discovered it. A post-surgery biopsy clearly showed the hernia to be nothing more than a kinked intestine.

"He was full of shit," one surgeon was quoted as saying, "but we've managed to remove most of it. Now it's just a matter of time before he fully recovers." Surgeons also later revealed that very little of the "shit" they recovered was in any way useful to arms inspectors. Despite this, inspectors moved quickly to collect any information that might have been flushed out of the former dictator.

Since his capture Soddom has been a virtual black hole of information. Very little useful data concerning his former role as the seventh worst dicatator of all time has been deficated by Soddom. And few, if any, of his former victims have come forward to reveal his point of intrusion into their lives. We can expect that further analysis will reveal a deeper and more penetrating view into the hidden life of Soddom Hussain.

Ajax · 03-07-2005, 09:14 AM

Dwarves Ranked First in Global Economy

King Beppo of the Kwanicci Empire was highly pleased to hear that his country had been listed first in the Global Economic Index released last friday.

"We Dwarves had struggled long and hard to achieve this status," he was quoted as saying. "Those damned Keebler elves made it rough on us with all their cookie making, but our continual inroads into the US metal industry has finally started to pay off. Arr."

When asked to comment on the effect of the Orcish wars in Kurguria, he added, "It has benefited our economy, and I admit that this is not a good thing. We of the Kwanicci fully support the Elves in their struggle against the ethnic cleansing performed by the forces of Dormor and the Dark One, but the fact that our supply of arms to them has elevated our economic status cannot be denied. So shall it always be when evil empires strike forth, and the proliferation of biological weaponry in the global arena must be halted before it becomes a threat to the entire world."

When asked to speculate as to where the Dwarven economy might go next, King Beppor responded that, "we have long had our eyes upon the technology industry, and we are developing several long-term solutions to the problem of heat sinks in high resolution monitors. Our alliance with several Japanese corporations has been made known, and we expect these will bear fruit for us within the next few years. Verily it will be a test of our mental might that we might compete with the likes of South Korea and Hong Kong, but we find the task a worthy one in the eyes of our great God Krang, and we shall fight the good battle to achieve the glory that must be ours!"

Ajax · 03-07-2005, 09:20 AM

Bushido Answers Roe v Wade Question

El Presidenta Bushido, after the final debate with Senator Jerry, finally answered the question he has dodged for so long: would you work to overturn Roe vs. Wade?

This reporter was lucky enough to be thrown into the same limo with El Presidenta due to an accidental misunderstanding by the secret service. El Presidenta had told them, "Rope that varment and toss him in the muck!" But apparently Agent Bruno missheard El Presidenta and thought he had commanded that I be thrown into the "truck" instead of the "muck." Therefore I was fortunate enough to accompany El Presidenta during his rapid retreat from the Arizona State University grounds.

"Sir," I asked him, "You seem to have avoided this question in the past, but I'm certain that under the circumstances you'll be more than willing to tell me, would you ever get rid of Roe vs. Wade?"

He tossed back a shot of Scotch. "Well let me tell you, there are a lot of questions I've be reluctant to answer, and this is only one of them. In fact I get asked questions all the time that it is simply not in the interest of national security for me to divulge. Sometimes people ask me things and I just don't tell them the answer. Other times I've got to tell them anything that makes them happy. You know how it is, as a politician I have to make sure everything I say is the truth, and sometimes you can't handle the truth. Take that whole "area 53" thing. God! If I had a dollar for every time I get asked if we have alien spacecraft parked out there. And, y'know, I've never even been to area 53. But I've been to areas 57, 32 and 29, and I can tell you for certain that the United States has no alien spacecraft out there... would you like a Scotch?"

I declined the drink and continued to push forward on the issue. "What about abortion sir, is it your intention to make a woman's right to choose illegal?"

"Now that's an interesting question," he answered. "There's a lot of things a woman's got to choose. What to make for dinner for instance, or where their kids are going to go to school, or which bedspread to make the bed with. I got no problems with any of this. I believe that a woman has a God-given right to pick any detergent she wants when she's doing laundry. And I'll support that right until the day I die!"

"What about those who feel abortion should be used as a form of birth control?" I asked. "There are some people who have absolutely no feelings at all for the life of the unborn. You pushed to make partial-birth abortion illegal, so what would you say to those people who feel abortion should be practiced as a legitimate form of birth control?"

El Presidenta snorted and took another shot of Scotch before he responded. "You know, birth control is a really sticky issue for our country. And some people feel that the rhythm method really is a technique that works. I can attest to the fact that it doesn't, and I will make it a point in my presidency to ensure that condoms readily available to everyone. Now that might take a special tax, but I'm sure the lower class can deal with it, after all, they're the ones who need the condoms the most. Did you know that condoms were invented by a Republican? It's true, yessir. We Republicans have a long history of inventing things. I hold true to that creative legacy, and I believe in the limitless boundaries of the human mind. It makes me feel good to know that millions of American's are praying for me every day, I can just feel 'em doing it you know. It feels like... hmmmm... I just can't describe it."

"But Sir," I continued, "would you ever appoint a judge who would overturn a woman's right to choose and make abortion illegal?"

"The appointment of a justice is a serious thing," he answered. "And if I'm placed in that position then you have my pledge that I will use every power at my command to select the judge that best suits the values and morals and ethics of mainstream America. The Supreme Court is an important part of the judicial process, and they are one of the three main components that really form the backbone of our government. Without a Supreme Court we'd be in a lot of trouble, so no, I would never do anything to prevent the Supreme Court from doing its job, and if that means finding a Justice who won't fart or pick his nose or make faces at people, well then I'm willing to do it. You can't have that kind of activity going on in the Supreme court, and I'll walk through the fires of Hell before I appoint a Justice who would make that kind of fowpo... fulpo... fake p... er... you know... be rude like that."

As I was about to ask El Presidenta another rephrased version of the same abortion issue question, the door suddenly opened and his wife entered the vehicle.

"You gotta get out now," he stated to me with a nod. "The wife is always excited after a debate if you know what I mean."

At which point Bruno forcebly extracted me from the vehicle and planted me securely on the cement next to the limo. As they started to depart I heard El Presidenta's wife ask him who I was. "Just some reporter," he responded. "He wanted to know about some boxing match, Joe vs. Wade or something, but I've never heard of it. Hey... how YOU doin?"

Ajax · 03-08-2005, 03:26 PM

New Cell Phone Released

The new Face-Place cell phone produced by Yakoombi and Fetch takes style to a new level. The company announced its release yesterday during a public relations frenzy in which several reporters demanded to be fitted with prototypes.

The new phone is bolted to the user's forehead by four surgical screws in an operation that lasts about five minutes and requires only minor anesthetic. The lucky few who were selected to model the prototype proudly wore the chrome device for all to see. Dialing is done through a voice recognition system that works a full forty percent of the time (when the user speaks in a quiet room and in a clear voice). And the bright green Yakoombi and Fetch plastic five-finger logo emblazoned on the front of the device only lends to its stylish appearance.

"You've seen how cell phones have become more than just a fashion statement these days," Martin Fetch told reporters. "In the beginning, owning a cell phone was a mark of wealth and prestige, but now that everyone owns one, and those days are gone. Well we're bringing all that back by taking communications to a completely new level. The Face-Place is going to be the new style accessory for the twenty first century, and we fully expect that once our young men and women are seen sporting these devices in malls across the country, that everyone will want to own one. But, of course, it's an very expensive piece of equipment, and the surgery only adds to the cost. For that reason you won't see just anyone walking around with one of these phones. Only the wealthiest will be able to afford a Face-Place, returning the entire mystique to ownership of such a device. Imagine what your neighbors will think when they see you wearing one of these!"

When asked why he didn't have one himself, Mr. Fetch replied, "There were some small issues. I found I had a problem with my eyes crossing when I wore it, and unfortunately I was suffering from a series of migraine headaches that I'm sure are completely unrelated to the surgical screws that were bolted into my forehead. But, just to be sure, my doctor recommended that I have them removed. Since then the seizures have stopped... well... mostly. But as you can see, my plastic surgeon completely removed the scaring from the screws, totally invalidating the complaints by our critics that the scaring might be an issue for those who want the device removed."

As for the recent studies showing that cell phones damage the brain and destroy the DNA of neural cells, Mr. Fetch responded, "you don't really believe any of that crap now do you? Ha! Next they'll be saying ephedra is bad for you and making sports drinks illegal."

Ajax · 03-09-2005, 04:53 PM

Portly Glove found Guilty of Abstraction

Portly Glove, the lead singer of the rock band known as Coal was found guilty of abstraction today by the US 14th District Court of Understanding. The singer was fined $1200 dollars and sentenced to thirteen days of community service during which he will be working with a highway crew collecting road-kill.

Einwight Dewiddle, Mr. Glove's lawyer, was quoted as saying, "it is a sad day in America when a singer as clear and concise as Portly Glove can be charged with abstraction. Most of his lyrics contain very few metaphors and almost no pronouns. I think the judge made a very poor call in this case, and we will be contesting this decision."

Judge Voo, when questioned about his ruling, answered by quoting Mr. Gloves lyrics. "A hole in my head, I'm better off dead, I should have been red, did you hear what I said?" Judge Voo shook his head in dismay. "What is THAT supposed to mean?" he asked. "I certainly do not want my children hearing such things, they could interpret these lyrics any number of ways, some of which I don't EVEN want to think about."

Portly himself, as he was led out of the courtroom in chains, screamed at those present. "These chains will not hold me!" he declared. "Though the forces of oppression have restrained the rhythm surrounding my words, I will not bow to their authority. My cattle will come to your door, and they will give milk to your petunias! Hear me you unwanted oppressed sperm of the Hanford wastes, I shall walk through the waters of the rivers and lakes where beachballs float unclaimed and I shall find the mighty blade excalibur and sheer the cheesy bonds of lactose intolerance from your areolas."

Judge Voo immediatly told the balifs to "Get him out of here," at which point they removed Portly Glove from the courtroom and the Judge apologized for his outburst, stating that he hoped the comments from the singer had not done anyone lasting harm.