Rkay

This one still needs some work on it and I am having the usual difficulty with thinking up a title. Your input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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I have always known
that you were special
that's a cliché, yes
but cut above the rest

I looked into her eyes
and as her gaze met mine
I felt a piercing sadness
that wouldn't let me go

my lips were crackly and dry
as I tried to mouth the words
she reached out to hold me
and spoke my heart for me

I have always known
that you were special
that's a cliché, yes
so cut above the rest

the moistness made it hard
to see into her expression
and I began to gently quiver
Have I disappointed you...?

her fingers were worn from
working from dawn 'til late
they softly touched my lips
No you haven't, my sweet one

I have always known
that you were special
that's a cliché, yes
a cut above the rest

with the flat of my palm
I wiped off the misty film
my eyes focused back to her
pulling into the driveway

looking up at me as she
walked toward the house
I quickstepped to meet her
asking after her long day

I had always known
looking into her eyes
coming out is a cliché
would it matter anyway?


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If you could guess what it is about that would be great too!

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Poets never die_____________________________________

Scratches

The only thing I can think of is maybe you've overused the word "her". You could change the subject of some of the lines to her features themselves, punching it up with some figurative language, instead of just saying "her eyes". I don't know, does that make sense?

Also, quick typo: "to met her"

It's strange, but the refrain takes on a life of its own after glancing at the poem a few times. Its got into my head - I think it's the "yes" that alters the whole feeling.

I can't help with the title, I'm afraid - I can't really title my own stuff!

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Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

lisajane

I like this. And I'm not sure why, I can't put my finger on it. It reminds me of nursery rhymes and I like those.

Two small things that stood out to me:

'my lips were crackly and dry'. I think maybe you should re-write 'crackly and dry' in an original fashion? Seems overused and cliche, but maybe it's supposed to be like that to tie in with the idea of cliche.

I think 'but cut' and 'so cut' needs an 'a' between the words.

As in title, I'm afraid I'm no help there either... I think of a title then write around it.

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'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Rkay

Thanks lisajane,
yeah, I was actually aiming at getting the cliche picture emphasized as in the feeling that the character is going through is something not new and may be seen as a cliche.

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Poets never die_____________________________________

Rkay

Thanks for the feedback Scratches,
I can see what you are pointing at there.
Let me 'scratch' my scalp a while and see if I could do something with this. One of the quirkinesses of this poem is that it isn't a this or a that poem.
And after that, if it flies it flies, otherwise it was a gallant try.

Will get to work on this.....
Thanks again,
Ricky

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Poets never die_____________________________________

LastClick

Wow, it's a small word, we've met at SCN... Anyways, This is great! I really liked this one. Your work never ceases to amaze me. Keep the great work up!

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Here's the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.

Rkay

Thanks heaps. See you around then.

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Poets never die_____________________________________