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File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here.

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Old 12-24-2004, 04:39 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New York
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Ilan Bouchard is an unknown quantity at this point
too wordy a poem

I am sympathetic, although I hold no regrets,
Because although destruction is not my purpose,
‘Tis the consequence of my functions.

Would I not hold what others possess in my hands?
In my clutches, gripped tightly, lest my brew be poignant to taste?
A bitter expletive, fearfully brought out against thy will,
To astound turmoil from a froth that had so passionately
Remained on my lip for a slight moment too long,
Should this not be called hell?

As a pair, not all masks misguide,
To look at Twain later compared to Clemens, are they not similar?
Are their contrasts and shadows not a tad too analogous for their own good?
Of course, for that is their nature.
Only an extreme discourse that ends in turgid arguments
Would be acceptable. I would follow that path incorrectly,
And I did not.

So only an icicle remains of the past winter enjoyments,
Dripping away in tears of remainder and reminder,
The duet that danced the night away everlasting.
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Old 01-05-2005, 04:10 PM   #2
 
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Ilan,

This is wordy, yes, but not one of those wordy pieces that is a hard read - or difficult on the eyes. I think it is great!

Lans
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Old 01-05-2005, 04:13 PM   #3
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Scratches
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Re: too wordy a poem

Only suggestion:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilan Bouchard
So only an icicle remains of the past winter enjoyments,
Maybe Winter's past enjoyments? Just in the interest of flow.

Ilan_Bouchard - the "wordiness" is probably the root of many of your poems, and it seems to me like a simple expression of your wisdom... but I do think maybe in poems like this a few phrases could be simplified. Otherwise they're very strong.
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Old 01-13-2005, 06:14 PM   #4
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fillerlady
Beautiful poem, Ilan. You definitely have a way with words. Keep writing!

Warm regards, Susie
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Old 04-02-2005, 07:48 PM   #5
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WOW.
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