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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: not actually IN mumsville... uk really!
Posts: 1,633
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warped snow white
Chapter one
It was late Friday afternoon and Snow White was in the middle of mopping the kitchen floor when she heard the doorbell ring. She moved toward the door and stopped when she realized that neither she nor the dwarfs had installed a doorbell, as they don’t ever have any visitors, so thinking it was one of their neighbours, she went back to mopping the floor.
A few hours later the phone rang, now this was really odd because they didn’t have a phone either. But she followed the instructions on how to make a phone using cardboard, yogurt pots and sticky backed plastic, which she had copied off Blue Peter teletext and set to work.
Just as she was about to pick up the receiver, the phone stopped ringing.
“Bloody hell” she muttered, very annoyed because she realized that she should have made the answer machine first now she didn’t know who had called and she was behind on the housework.
Anyhow she started the dusting and had forgotten about it within five minutes.
She soon got to the stage where she could just clean the windows and she was done, but she was tired from all the rest of the work. She sat on Sleepys bed to watch a bit of QVC, but it was really boring and she fell into a deep sleep.
When she woke up she had six angry little faces glaring down at her.
“Why haven't you cleaned the windows yet?” barked Doc.
“We have run out of tissues!” hollered Sneezy.
“I need a hair cut for a job interview tomorrow!” bellowed Dopey.
“My back hurts and I want a massage!” yelled Grumpy.
“I can’t believe that you are in my bed!” screamed Sleepy.
“Since when did we have a telephone?” shouted Happy.
They all stopped to looked at each other and howled in unison,
“WHERE IS OUR TEA???”
Quick as a flash she jumped up and started to get the tea ready, and everything was calm for a while…until she noticed that her ex husband Bashful was missing.
“Hey guys, where’s Bashful?”
Silence.
“Did you hear me? I asked you a question, where is he?”
More silence.
“Okay, if you want it that way”
Snow white said nothing as she picked up the phone and said, “Hello could you give me the number for the RSPCA? Great thank you, bye”
The dwarfs stared at her in disbelief,
“She isn’t really going to do anything is she Doc?” whispered Happy, a little more scared then he would have liked to show.
“ I don’t know” he sighed, “She looks pretty mad this time. Do you think we should tell her or what?”
They all looked at Snow white and gulped.
“Do you have something to tell me then?” she inquired.
They looked at each other, and then back at her. Sleepy started to shake; he had never been the strong one.
Snow white dialed one digit…and then another…and another.
Sleepy started to cry.
“We have to tell her!” he wailed, “She is gonna find out sooner or later, it might as well be now because she hates us now anyway.
Snow white spoke into the phone, “Hi my name is Snow white, and I have some wild animals you may be interested in.” She looked at their terror-stricken faces and tried to disguise a grin, but it got too hard and she turned and coughed over a chuckle.
“Someone will come then?” she asked against a dead tone, “Oh that would be wonderful, they really are a nuisance. Yes I will wait, okay then bye” Snow white put the phone down and turned to the six dwarfs who stood in a line before her.
“Does anyone have any last requests before the nasty people get here to drag your ugly butts away?”
Sneezy, Grumpy, Doc, Happy and Dopey took a step back, leaving poor Sleepy in front of them. Sleepy knew this would happen and started blubbering again.
“Why do you always leave it to me?” he whimpered, “You are all… all… so mean to me! I hate you!”
With that he stormed out of the room and went to bed.
Everyone jumped when they heard the doorbell.
“Oh by the way, someone keeps making doorbell noises.” Said Snow white rather amused at the reaction of the dwarfs.
“Well you aren’t going to answer it are you? It might be the RSPCA!” said a scared Happy, “I’ve heard they sometimes make doorbell sounds”.
She hesitated for a while, also wondering who it was… at least until a voice boomed;
“IS SOMEONE GOING TO OPEN THIS BLOODY DOOR OR DO I HAVE TO HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW THE PLACE DOWN?”
“Oh for crying out loud mother can you not just knock on the door like everybody else, I should have known it was you, I hope you don’t let the Big Bad Wolf hear you say that, he will have you for copyright.”
“Oh dear it’s the wicked stepmother, you gave us a little scare for a minute, but for once I’m glad to see you.” Exclaimed Doc, offering his hand in a polite gesture.
“Get away from me you disgusting smelly troll,” she snapped, “I’m not here to see you, the devil will be skating to work by the time that happens.”
“Well I’m glad you came round in a good mood mum, it’s about time that you did… What have you come round for exactly?”
I’m not talking on the doorstep, go and put the kettle on Dopey, and don’t be stingy with the sugar!”
The women went into the sitting room and Snow fueled the fire until it was roaring nicely.
“Did you bring the Avon round mum? I was looking forward to trying that nail polish”
“I have something you might like but it’s not polish,” she rummaged in her bag for a minute and pulled out a little white paper bag, she opened it up and showed Snow what was inside. There were approximately ten red sweets the size of marbles, and five green ones a little bigger.
Snow white laughed and said, “I don’t need these mum, I’m not suicidal now, I have gotten over that stage.”
“They are not what you think, anyway they aren’t for you this time.”
Mrs. White turned to the remaining dwarfs who were stood in the other room listening to every word that was spoken and fumed, “Why doesn’t she know yet? Why have you not told her yet? Are you all incompetent?”
While she waited for an explanation, Bashful stumbled in through the door as drunk as a skunk. When he saw everyone staring at him he muttered some insults under his breath and fell into a chair at the end of the table.
“Oopsh…have I mished shumfin’, whythehellareyouhere…youuglybag?” he slurred in the direction of Mrs. White.
Snow white went to the kitchen and came back with a frying pan; “I’m happy you made it home okay honey” she said through gritted teeth and promptly brought the pan down onto his head with a loud “bop”.
“So much for anger-management classes” she sighed.
Chapter two
The next morning Bashful woke with an Earth-shattering headache and proceeded to let the rest of the household know about it.
“What the hell did I do last night?” he moaned holding his head gingerly feeling the large bump on his head, which was the size of a golf ball. “It feels like I’ve been hit by a truck…or maybe ten of ‘em”
“Well you did get banged on the bonce, but it wasn’t a truck” giggled Dopey, “I suggest you think of something exceptional to tell your loving ex wife, she…um, she hit you with a frying pan. So whatever you have done this time…” he leaned closer and whispered, “…make it good! Though if you ask my opinion, you are both as bad as each other!”
Bashful sheepishly walked into the kitchen, sat opposite Snow at the table and winced at the look on her face as well as the pain in his head.
Everyone that was sitting in the kitchen quickly dispersed leaving the couple alone.
“Hey I know, why don’t we go and find Humpty, and see what he’s up to?” said Happy cheerfully.
“But he’s boring, all he ever does is sit on that bloody wall!” moaned Grumpy.
“So why don’t we push him off then, we haven't done that for ages…” started Happy,
“…Yeah not since the king put him back together ha ha.” Finished Dopey.
“Okay then it’s settled, oh Dopey bring your fake spider, we might bump into Miss. Muffet” Happy giggled insanely at the thought of that.
Just as they were going into the thick of the forest however, who should come charging from a bush but The Big Bad Wolf in all his glory! Sleepy screamed and was caught in mid-faint by the nearby Dopey, who then laid him on the soft verge at the side of the path.
The wolf didn’t even stop to say sorry before dashing down the path toward the village, a few seconds had barely passed while the dwarfs tried to revive Sleepy then Little Red Riding Hood ran out of the same bush which the Wolf had ran out of earlier and stopped.
“Come back here you wuss!” she screeched, “what’s the matter… is this little girl too much for you? Can’t get your teeth round me?” then she went running after the wolf again.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, snow had finished screaming at her ex husband enough to realize that she still didn’t hate him as much as she thought she did.
“Do you think that we could start again?” she asked, looking into his eyes for some sort of sign that he felt the same.
“No way hozay, you can just forget about that idea, after the way you way you treated me? Everyone is still talking about you and that Jack Horner! I made that mistake once already and once is one time too many! There is only so much humiliation a dwarf can take Snow!”
“Well ok then,” Snow said bitterly, she turned to leave, then looked back and said, “Mum wanted you to have these.” She threw the white paper bag at him and ran crying out the door.
He looked at the bag for a while, a little confused, and then it came to him. He went to one of the drawers in Snow’s bedroom, pulled out another little white paper bag similar to the one in his hands and compared the contents,
“Aha,” he exclaimed to himself, obviously, because there was nobody else in the room. “There are “Whites Happy Pills”, but I don’t need them,” he screw up his face as though he were thinking really hard… and then he farted and left the room, leaving both bags in the drawer together…
Snow White ran through the woods partially blinded due to the tears in her eyes, and slowed to a walk when she came to a little wooden cottage surrounded by a white picket fence.
She walked up to the door pushed it open.
The scene before her was one she had seen a thousand times or more. Mama and Papa bear were sharing a romantic kiss at the kitchen sink, Mama bear was still wearing an apron, which indicated she must have been in the middle of washing up.
Snow sniffed loudly, not disturbing the couple in the slightest, so she went to the couch and sat down watching them with a look of envy in her eyes.
When they finally did part, Mama murmured a greeting to Snow without looking towards her and giving Papa a final kiss she walked to the couch and sat with Snow.
“I sense there is something troubling you my dear”, she said gazing into her eyes.
“Wow, did you even need psychic powers for that analysis?” Snow laughed nervously, “That obvious eh?”
Papa bear was putting the kettle on in the background, somehow making it look like this was a regular occurrence…
While the women talked through Snows latest problem, no doubt something to do with her ex-husband, he kept himself busy until…
“Babe?”
…Right on schedule!
“Mmm?” he said through a mouthful of honey, and walked over to the women with the tray of drinks. He set the tray on the table then sat himself down. This was going to take a while.
Discussing the problem through with Snow and his wife, he made some good points… maybe take a holiday… or get a new hairstyle. But the better of all the suggestions was that she should start looking for a new place to live, and a new job!
Snow White took all that was said into consideration whilst she walked home from the Bears cottage, when she got home she went into her room and pulled the biggest suitcase she could find from the top of her wardrobe, dusted it off and started packing.
Unbeknown to Snow, Bashful was doing the same thing in his room. Fed up with being out of work for so long, getting drunk with his dole money, and being the butt of everyone’s joke down at the village, he had decided to make a new start. He sat looking through his photographs and went back in time…
…When he had first met Snow White, she had been running away from her wicked stepmother at the time because she wanted her new husband’s first-born child killed. That wasn’t the case now, they had both gone on to an American chat show to work out their differences, for a while it was touch and go but now they get on like a mother and daughter should.
It was like a dream. They had all come home from a long day at the mines to find beautiful young Snow White in a deep sleep across their beds. Sleepy was annoyed because he wanted to get into his bed and couldn’t, they had watched her for a while then went into the kitchen to make their tea…
It was the burning of the food that woke her up! They were stunned when she made their tea this time without it being burnt. They thought it was meant to taste like charcoal!
As Bashful flipped through the photos, he noticed that Snow’s smile had stayed the same throughout all the years that they had been together… it hadn’t changed in the slightest!
“What does this mean?” said Bashful to himself, “Had she been faking it all these years?”
With tears in her eyes, Snow come to him from the door where she had been watching him, put her arms around him, making him jump out of his skin, and told him that she hadn’t faked anything, she was just really happy to have been part of his and his brothers lives. Then she went back to her room and finished packing.
As they were both leaving town they went to the train station together, with their tickets in hand they walked onto the platform.
“So, what do you think the others will say when they get home from work?” asked Bashful, trying to make the conversation as light as possible.
“For once I don’t care, I have been mother, teacher, cook, and slave for that lot for long enough. Papa was right, I do need to get out of here”. She sighed with relief when she saw that the train coming, “Will you ride with me Bash?” she said quietly, “It’s a big step for me, I haven’t run away from home in twenty years.”
He agreed and they sat opposite each other in the third carriage, it was almost romantic, though Bashful didn’t say this in fear of ruining the moment. They relaxed as the train made its way past small towns and villages, until it came to a stop some hours later in the city of Maligana.
“We have an hour until the next train, why don’t we do some shopping?” said Snow, who lets face it, is a woman and will never lose the desire for needless spending.
Bashful groaned and, unheard by Snow, followed her into the multistorey shopping complex and spent the next fifty minutes being dragged from one store to another.
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