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AprilRose · 11-25-2008, 04:01 PM

I wrote this but it doesnt make sense to me:

The soft skin on the lavender scented dress arose more than a gasp of envy throughout myself.

Jealous of a woman hardly know over the last few decades

I think rains washes away my emotions every time a drop hits my hand something inside me is forgotten.

I remember I only look to the sky and smile

The clouded suns rays seem to still touch every ounce of my skin.

She watches me as she walks down the aisle

Maybe my envy is seen

I turn to look away but I feel her watches

The veil hiding the back of her dress taunting every inch of her frame "Why did I even come?'

Her wedding is a day to regret She betrayed me

His love was always mine or I wanted it to be. But her, always taking away precious life not leaving any sense of happiness

In my dreams I walk down my aisle dress golden brown

"As golden as the apple which was perched on the tree' one of the first lines he read to us
We were his childen the apples of his eyes
She had always nothing compared to me or I had. I wasn't the belle of the ball but I was me

Kayleigh7 · 11-25-2008, 04:56 PM

"the soft skin on the lavender scented dress" That was the first thing I noticed.

Kayleigh7 · 11-25-2008, 05:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AprilRose

I wrote this but it doesnt make sense to me:

The soft skin on the lavender scented dress arose more than a gasp of envy throughout myself.

Neither one of these lines makes sense. You need to rephrase them

Jealous of a woman hardly know over the last few decades

I think rains washes away my emotions. Every time a drop hits my hand something inside me is forgotten. Try that instead.

I remember I only look to the sky and smile

The clouded suns rays seem to still touch every ounce of my skin.

She watches me as she walks down the aisle

Maybe my envy is seen.

I turn to look away but I feel her watches... watching.

The veil hiding the back of her dress taunting every inch of her frame "Why did I even come?'

Her wedding is a day to regret She betrayed me. You don't need to capitalize She.

His love was always mine or I wanted it to be. But her, always taking away precious life not leaving any sense of happiness

In my dreams I walk down my aisle dress golden brown

"As golden as the apple which was perched on the tree' one of the first lines he read to us
We were his childen the apples of his eyes
She had always nothing compared to me or I had. I wasn't the belle of the ball but I was me

Kayleigh7 · 11-25-2008, 05:05 PM

There are a lot of grammatical errors and bad punctuation. The idea itself is not bad.

AprilRose · 11-25-2008, 06:14 PM

thanks

I wont edit anything which is not finish

I was asking of the concept

usually if I edit it
I forget whats it about or where it came from so I reword it every time I read it then edit