Damien.

Six months, two weeks, and five days. That was the last time that Adam Guilden has last spoken. He sits now in the counselor’s office, his usual writing pad and pen set on the fake-living room coffee table. The counselor is asking questions, but Adam is politely ignoring him.
“Have you been having any trouble at school lately?” the slightly overweight man asked. Dr. Roberts has maintained some charm over the years – his grey eyes twinkle, and his salt and pepper hair remains mostly intact.
Adam gazes past the doctor to the window, where outside a robin is nervously hopping along a wet branch. This is a weekly question, and Adam thinks it rather sad. Such better questions could be asked – what color do you think your soul is, do you even have a soul? Do you find this carpet distasteful? But, no – the same repetition of textbook questions are continually asked.
Adam’s gaze slides away from the none-too inspiring scenery to the clock, which balefully glares down at him. Forty minutes. Traitor, Adam thinks to the time piece.
“Would you like to play a game?” Dr. Roberts asks. Adam shrugs. It is likely to be checkers or chess. Watching the doctor assemble the checkers game, Adam thinks tiredly; Does this man assume I want to take sixty minutes out of his day to play games?

Later, at home, family dinner is held in uncomfortable silence. Adam picks at his pasta, his green eyes constantly flitting to his father to gauge the man’s mood. John Guilden is a hard, stern man, and he has not taken his tie off for this meal.

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T.N. Kettman

I like it...my only "thing", if you will, is the first sentence. Six months, two weeks, and seven days...shouldn't it be three weeks, or am I missing something?

Really like when he calls the clock a traitor...lol.

This has something.

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Damien.

I changed it. Durrrrh, Damien. I just like the number seven.

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tepelus

Fake-living room coffee table? Should it be just coffee table? What's fake about the coffee table?

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Damien.

The living room itself is fake; have you ever been to that type of counselor? The fucking fake fireplace, magazines on the table - trying to lull you into thinking it is a room of normality, when it is far from it. It is true - counselors decorate their rooms with the intention of making you feel safe. It's evil.

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tepelus

I'm just trying to make the point that, at least to me, the way you wrote that sounded like you were describing the coffee table as fake. I get what you're trying to say though.

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Damien.

Good point. I wonder how I can clarify that...

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Brightside

Show it and don't tell it!!! I think that's why the whole 'fake' bit gets confusing. Show it through his feelings, add more depth to the meaning?

This has potential, I feel, but not much writing to make a proper judgement.

Though, i doubt i am in anyway in a position to comment on 'proper judgement'!

*Skulks back into corner*

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PSFoster

It has possibilities. A few touch-ups, as has been stated. Good start.

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Knocking

Cool. I hope you continue, it's interesting. The second sentence has two last's, I don't think you need both.

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--John Keating, Dead Poets Society

Damien.

Yeah, I've been writing a bit more on this piece, and I did notice and lose the last, knocking, as well as fixing the 'week' bit at the begining. I am going to continue, seeing as I"m still interested in the piece, but I just wanted to know if it was worth it.

Thanks for the comments and help, guys. (and gals.)

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ThePinkBookworm

This sounds GREAT! This is just one of those things that makes you want to see what happens next, and I WANT TO KNOW! This story has so much stuff that could happen with this story, so much conflict, so much drama, a great ending, and it is just BEGGING to be written! Please give this story the breath it needs to be a great novel. GOOD LUCK!

P.S. If you want any ideas, just ask me in a PM or something. I am happy to help.

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