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File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here.

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Old 08-19-2008, 04:38 PM   #1
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Weight
Seven was his number
50 the price -
he held no pride
in his narrow cheekbones.

Spoilt eyes
glint behind sunshine bangs -

his lips are surreal
images of disdain


Needle
relieves the anger
confusion

He drops his bag
wearily
shows the man a good time...
in the shadow of a building

- 100 -
sure, he replies
takes his bubble wrap thoughts out
and hides them
so they do not break
under the weight
of strange bodies.
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Old 08-19-2008, 04:39 PM   #2
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Not good enough for the poetry section.
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Old 08-19-2008, 08:25 PM   #3
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I agree.
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Old 08-19-2008, 10:26 PM   #4
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The irony of this being moved to the poetry section from file thirteen after Dam's comment. Heh. *slaps psfoster*

Now on to that critiquing business...
Get rid of the numbers and needle stanza. I like the simile of bubble wrap there.
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Old 08-21-2008, 01:54 PM   #5
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OUCH!!!
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Old 09-25-2008, 05:17 PM   #6
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Why? now im so confused this is about a prostitute? such a random topic for a poem... I think its written well even though im confused why you used this topic...
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