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File 13 Got something you were going to throw away, something that just didn't fit or work out the way you planned? Share it here.

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Old 08-18-2008, 01:23 PM   #1
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A Story That I Dislike

Below is a story I wrote a couple years ago. I think it was suppose to take place in the Great Depression times. This was as far as I had gotten.

I stood in line and waited my turn to be served some soup. There were thousands and thousands of people in line and the line was going very slow but we all had to wait. I looked back at Mama. She looked exhausted. Her eyes were droopy as if her skin was oozing off her face. Her once beautiful, silky, long brown hair was now messy and unhealthy. Her hair was all over the place in huge knots. Clinging on to her cloth dress was my four-year-old brother, Eli. Like the rest of us, he was tired and wanted to eat. People who stood in line got very annoyed by the fussing and screaming that Eli created when he opened his tiny little mouth.

A cold breeze came by and hit me hard and I wished I had some better clothes. I looked down at my raggedy, dirty, thin dress. It was old. I had received it about two years ago, when I was ten. I wrapped my arms around myself and imagined being warm. I daydreamed I was sitting in front of a fireplace laughing and singing along with my family. We used to do that a lot, before we lost our home. We lost everything. Including Papa.
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:50 PM   #2
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I like the images you create, but punctuation could be worked on. Pretty good begining.
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Old 08-18-2008, 02:23 PM   #3
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How depressing. I suppose it's good for a begining, it's just that it seems a little shallow, maybe predictable. But, I like the descriptions, like "Her eyes were droopy as if her skin was oozing off her face." That's cool.
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Old 08-18-2008, 03:55 PM   #4
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It is a bit shallow, I agree. And now that I reread it, I feel like the reader already knows what is going to happen. Thanks for your opinions.
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Old 08-19-2008, 07:57 AM   #5
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I knew exactly where these children and mother were and it brought me back to that film pursuit happiness. I liked the begining very much, it was a sad piece but i guess thats what you had planned, I hope you carry on with this piece because i think it could be a great piece of prose however i hope there is a few happy times just to brighten it up. I loved the detail too that you added.
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