Ocularis Dementia - WritingForums.com - Writing Forums, Writing Challenges, Critiques and Help for Writers

mR.m · 07-31-2008, 06:10 PM

Something for File 13. I dunno how to improve, or if it can even be improved.
Bah, that's what File 13 is for lol.

Ocularis Dementia

It was her eyes. I knew it the first time I saw her.
Those beautiful, shining eyes.
I paused from my work when she passed, hers met mine, and I've been obsessed ever since.
It's her eyes. It's got to be. I don't even know her, but she captivated me with a single look.
Those eyes, so magnificent, so glorious.
God, I can't stop thinking about them.
We talked for a bit, and we set out for our first date.
We saw a movie.
Or did we have coffee?
I don't remember, it was so long ago.
We were together, for how many years I can't recall.
There was passion then, a heat that burned us to the core.
An undying fire.
At least, I thought it was.
The years rolled on and soon the flames that tickled us in our youth faded away.
It was then that her facade fell.
She wasn't beautiful at all. Just another run-of-the-mill whore.
But her eyes, it was the same.
So sweet.
So...Deceiving.
She left me, you know. For some chump change bastard in a different office.
I grieved like someone died. How could she do this to me?
How?
She couldn't. She couldn't do this to me.
No.
She doesn't mean it.
I know she doesn't.
I see it in her eyes. They're crying out to me.
Yes. I hear them.
They weep for me.
I can't stop thinking about them. How they glitter in the sun, how they dance in the moonlight.
I must have them.
I need them.
I watched her, from a distance.
I watched her for days.
But I wasn't looking at her.
No.
I was looking at THEM.
I can't stop staring.
I must have them.
I waited for her outside her house.
I waited until she was asleep.
I broke in like a thief, but I wasn't about to steal anything.
Not steal.
Liberate.
Her eyes. Even behind her eyelids, I can see them.
So glorious.
She screamed when she saw me. Oh, how she screamed.
I gagged her quick enough. Her eyes flashing terror now.
No, not terror.
Elation. Joy. Ecstasy.
Yes, they were laughing. Laughing at me, laughing WITH me.
They're going to be free soon.
The knife I pull out makes her shed tears. Oh how those tears seemed precious.
She was crying me diamonds.
I tell her that she doesn't need to be afraid. I'm not going to kill her.
I loved her.
She doesn't need to cry, I won't hurt her.
All I want,
All I need
are her eyes.

SparkyLT · 08-01-2008, 04:45 PM

creepy. very creepy. I like it. guess that means I'm creepy.

Anyway, not sure it can really be improved, but it definitely works as a shortshortshort story.

mR.m · 08-01-2008, 06:30 PM

A microshort story. Lol.

I think it's not..creepy enough.

Hmm...

SparkyLT · 08-01-2008, 06:38 PM

oh yeah, and about the name: is that really a medical phrase? if it isn't it certainly sounds like one. maybe you've invented a new one, heh.

mR.m · 08-01-2008, 06:41 PM

No it's not. It's latin. I'm not entirely sure if I got it right either lol.

SparkyLT · 08-01-2008, 06:46 PM

Ocularis Mania might be closer to right, but I'm really not sure about the 'ocularis' part.

...wait, what are we doing? we have the entire internet at our disposal! look on wikipedia or something. or, just post a question here, someone might know. Anyway, enough about the name.

I think the story is plenty creepy enough. it's the sort of thing that I would finish and be laughing. that sounds bad, I know, but from me that's a good thing. I'm an incredibly morbid person. if you can make it creepier, though, I'll definitely read it again.

mR.m · 08-01-2008, 06:50 PM

Thanks! Hmm, I was ready to give this story up but, even if there's only person who'd read it, I'd still try to make it better.

Actually I got the Ocularis part from Th13teen Ghosts hehe

SparkyLT · 08-01-2008, 07:01 PM

I haven't seen that, but I'd like to...I have no one to watch horrror movies with me. chances are, if it came from a movie, it is right, cuz they usually do their homework with movies. it might not be, but anyway, who cares? if it isn't right, it does a good job of pretending to be.

you know, I might post some of my microshort stories on here...oh, damn, I can't, they're on my other computer. ah...sorry to go off on a tangent, I'm just sort of typing whatever comes into my head right now.